Reset and reality

Relapses
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Shit guys, I totally abandoned this place. I forgot the sense of peace that came from checking in. The community and the love. There was something like 50 days for me to reset and I know I spent most if not all of them drinking. The last 4 days were painful… I stopped coming home and really put a strain on someone who is in my corner. At the same time, he’s been a drinking buddy so I’m hoping honesty can eliminate some of the risk to getting this done. We’ve only been together a short time. But here I go again, putting someone else over myself and my worth. While I’m going to try to stay sober and in the relationship, I know what I need to prioritize. I can’t trace back to the trigger that sent me into overdrive over the last few years. It’s just progressive and there’s no way around that. I’ve had my issues with the law, relationships, etc etc. I’ve held down my job and it is just about the only structure left for me. I have solid friends and fam but a very hard time being honest and open with people… that’s why this app helps and comforts me so much I think. I also talked to a friend today who has long been dealing with addiction and just had a chaotic relapse himself and we empowered each other to recommit to ourselves. I know I’ll never find self love in a bottle. I so deeply want to give a fuck about myself. My health is suffering. I feel like a pretty damn old and damaged 31. I want more out of life than spending all my extra time and money on drinking. I’ll avoid the first one kicking and screaming if I have to. I’m trying to journal and trying to shake my absolute distaste for meetings. Going to pick up fitness and my active hobbies again, like martial arts and being with horses and pole dancing and hiking/walking my very loved doggos who deserve a more present mama. I can’t even explain how deep my self hatred is buried but I’m done with this unsustainable lifestyle. There’s really no life in it so that’s a misnomer. Thanks if for some bizarre reason you actually read this :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye: it seriously helped my hangover anxiety to blast this out. Nothing but love for you STimers! Let’s get it.

Update- my bf just told me he’d gladly commit to a sobriety challenge with me, and to rebuilding our new relationship around all the better and healthier options we’re lucky to have available to us. I’m pretty juiced (:

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Thanks so much!

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Decide to get better at getting better each and every day.

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I read it. Good for you for coming back and for talking with your boyfriend about your needs. I know that feeling of self-hatred. That’s what brought me here. I just couldn’t exist another day feeling like such a waste of life. I’m still a baby in recovery land, but I feel like a different person than I was 88 days ago. If you want it and work for it, you soon will too.

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Thank you (: And amazing work, you’re about to hit 90 days! What a powerful accomplishment. I’m happy we’re both choosing ourselves.

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Welcome back pal! You were around a lot when I first got here. It’s good to see you back

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I read it as well.
Glad to see your back.
We all know the road we take in recovery is a hard one. Just remember to take it one breath, moment,hour at a time.

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Martial Arts. I am a Krav Maga practitioner. 3-4 classes a week, plus daily training in the garage dojo. It is the mental & physical discipline that benefits me so. I would suggest reading Musashi’s “Book of Five Rings”. It is a treatise on self-mastery through discipline, and in the case of the author, “The Way of the Sword”. The big take-away is that by learning to master one thing, one aspect of your life, you have learned the secret of mastering all things. That secret is self-discipline.

Motivation ebbs and flows, and this is especially true with sobriety. It is discipline that keeps you “on the path”, when motivation weakens.

Keep getting better at getting better, each and every day.

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I will absolutely check that out. I appreciate your advice and support!

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Same path, just at a different mile-marker, and sharing what the road traveled was like.

You can do this. Decide to be better, and then be better. Decide to be stronger, smarter, faster, and then be those things. Forward, always forward, if even just an inch at a time.

226 days of getting better at getting better, each and every day.

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Welcome back!

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