Hi Kelly - Yes, it hurts. I was so completely disappointed in myself each time I returned to drinking. But there are some things you can use to build a stronger sobriety out of this.
1 - You do not have to entertain heavy drinkers at your home. You can just go to bed if needed. Yes, it’s awkward, but your health is at risk, so pleading a tension headache and a need to get some shuteye may be embarrassing, but it won’t get you drunk.
2 - It sounds like you’ve been hanging onto sobriety by your own willpower and energy. What can you do differently? Here is a big list of things that have worked for people here on TS: Resources for our recovery. Maybe check out some suggestions, I’m sure something will resonate with you.
It’s good to recognize when we fall short of our goals, not to beat ourselves up, but to help us build a stronger bridge to them.