I had to hit reset today. I hate myself for it. Last night my neighbors came over who are moving to Florida and tried to hold on for 3 hours watching everyone drink around me, but I couldn’t make it past midnight, I folded. Vodka, wine, beer it was all right in front of me. I grabbed people beers when they were empty and water bottles for myself. Water wasn’t enough the fifth time I grabbed a round. 12 days was the longest I went in almost 3 years- I was so proud of myself. I’m not reaching out for pity, I’m just trying to stay accountable for my actions on here. Listening to everyone babble and repeat themselves triggered me to a numb state and what I was hearing all around me for hours on end. I couldn’t take it anymore. Today I need strength and something to smile about. I slowly feel my light fading all around me. It fucking hurts.
Hi Kelly - Yes, it hurts. I was so completely disappointed in myself each time I returned to drinking. But there are some things you can use to build a stronger sobriety out of this.
1 - You do not have to entertain heavy drinkers at your home. You can just go to bed if needed. Yes, it’s awkward, but your health is at risk, so pleading a tension headache and a need to get some shuteye may be embarrassing, but it won’t get you drunk.
2 - It sounds like you’ve been hanging onto sobriety by your own willpower and energy. What can you do differently? Here is a big list of things that have worked for people here on TS: Resources for our recovery. Maybe check out some suggestions, I’m sure something will resonate with you.
It’s good to recognize when we fall short of our goals, not to beat ourselves up, but to help us build a stronger bridge to them.
Please don’t hate yourself, you are human and you made a poor decision. Now you know …so you can choose differently next time.
If I had a dollar for every time I put myself to bed when people were drinking at my house, I would have a good chunk of change. Heading to bed early, headphones on sleepy peaceful music or watching a movie was my saving grace in those early months. It felt weird at first, but it worked. And waking up hangover and regret free is the best feeling.
It sounds like it was a positive learning experience for you and hopefully you can choose the healthy option next time it happens. I have faith in you. 
Another thing I found helpful was keeping a list on my phone of what I gain by not drinking…It is humbling and sobering (little pun there) to remember the reality of what drinking REALLY offers…not the fantasy we live with in our heads. Maybe something to consider as well…reading it whenever I was thinking of a ‘drink or two’ helped bring me back to the reality of what I was truly longing for in life.
Here is a bit of my list…
- No hangovers ever!!
- Treating my husband with respect and no drunk fighting
- Self respect gets a major boost
- No more internal conflict about drinking and if/how can I cut down or stop
- Restful restorative uninterrupted sleep!!!
- Major pride in myself and all that I have and can accomplish
- A sense of peace and calm
- No more embarrassment and shame because of my behavior
- Forgiving myself for past mistakes and terrible judgement
- No wondering what I did or how I hurt husband or others while drunk
- No treating people I love, including myself, poorly while drunk
- No drunk driving and possibly hurting self or others or jail
- No upset stomach from drinking
- No anxiety and near constant agitation when hungover
- No dark suicidal thoughts
- No shame around neighbors if I was loud and yelling or loud music
- No blackouts ever
- No overwhelming shame at my behavior
- No oversharing with strangers while drunk or making plans I will need to cancel
- Not having to check my phone in the middle of the night to delete social media posts - no drunk texting/emails/posts/calls
- Not be bloated and puffy and look haggard
- Major pride in myself and a boost in self esteem
- No hangovers ever again
- No more excuses or lies
- Peace of mind
Hi Kelly, I know that you’re upset with yourself, and I can certainly relate to that feeling !
That being said, try not to be too hard on yourself. Alcohol is an insidious thing, and the “industry” has been working it into our lives for centuries, and even millennia.
I don’t know what it’s like to have to entertain people, or even to host a gathering, for that matter, but I’m sure that it can’t be easy. A couple of times, just to make life simple, I plead “ulcer” for refusing a drink, saying that the acidity of alcohol bothers my stomach ! Lame, I know, but it works at times.
Still, the important thing to remember (for what little my opinion is worth) it that going without alcohol is not DEPRIVING yourself of anything, but rather FREEING yourself from the talons of an industry that has spread illness and misery and destruction for centuries. Well-meaning friends and family members can be tough to deal with, but…
You can do it, we all can.
I would say dont beat yourself up too much. Falling off the wagon hurts but doeant mean you cant get back on again and start the journey. Reading your story I would say maybe next time dont put yourself in a situation when people are literally drinking in your home while you had to endure it. At least if it was at someone else’s place you could excuse yourself… and having to clean up the empty bottles the next day? Not a good place to be.
Also you didnt necessarily have to drink water all night. I mean 5 bottles of water in 3 hours will be too much for even Flipper! Maybe stock juice, cordial and tonic water. Switch things up to stop feeling like you are not getting any variety?
Good luck dusting yourself up! If you need a hand you know we are all here for support. X
The light may fade, and seem dim, but having even a glimmer means something in our world. I know you’ve been thru a lot, and getting thru and processing everything once you have some clean time can be the hardest part. I know when I originally made it past 3/4 weeks, so so many new feelings ive masked for so long came up. And I cried and cried bc I’d never processed them in reality before. Coming back here means something. It means you truly want this. As do I. Keep coming back 
U can learn from this every challenge or bump in the road is something to lear for next time so it wont have the same impact. Mayb dont stay so long in them situations take yaself out of it self care and love is so much more important than feeling this sadness again xx
Thank you so much 
it means a lot to me to have this supportive community. Yesterday was just a test and I learned from it. I will definitely keep coming back 
Thank you so much for your perspective and support 
In my own house it was so hard, I felt like I couldn’t escape the conversations that kept repeating themselves I just wanted to run away… but nowhere to go. Plus I didn’t want to leave my dogs 