Hey pal, I think a lot of us have felt this way, I know I have.
After being sober for a week or two, I convinced myself that I didn’t have a problem, because quitting was fairly easy. I mean, if it’s easy to quit, surely there’s no problem, right?
As a drinker, a problem drinker or an alcoholic, we all have our list of Yet’s that are keep tally of.
Basically, it is:
I have yet to experience XXX consequence from my drinking, so I will continue until I do.
The problem with the Yet’s is, it keeps us sick and it makes us eligible to fulfill them. Another problem is, we’ve actually checked a lot of Yet’s off but probably didn’t acknowledge it. We’re playing the game but no one is keeping score.
Another reason I had a hard time wanting long term sobriety was because I had a hard time letting it go. It was a part of me, almost like it was my brand. Without it, who am I? I somehow convinced myself that despite all the Yet’s that I already crossed off, despite all the negative things that alcohol directly caused, I still felt it had value; and that value was worth more than the price I was actually paying.
After some time sober, and in the beginning, I wasn’t sure if I was going to be sober longer than a day (and that’s OK), but after some time I came to this conclusion:
I want to moderate my drinking because that would give me permission to get drunk occasionally, and that is what I really want, because I am an alcoholic, and that is what alcoholics do.
I get it, it’s hard to see passed ourselves on to what’s possible; One day at a time and you will get there.