One of the biggest challenges in sobriety is coping with adversity. From the stress of rush hour traffic to the death of a loved one, life is full of struggles, big and small.
Learning how to cope with these challenges is paramount to maintaining sobriety. I am sure we are all familiar with our past coping strategy and I am sure we are all equally aware of the outcome when we used that strategy. By using healthy strategies, it can often expedite resolution, and in a lot of cases, provide a favorable outcome.
Tip One: Know what you can and what you cannot control
When you think about it, most of the external world and what goes on in it is out of our control. Weather, traffic, politics, neighbors, the decisions your employer makes; none of these are in our (direct) control. It doesnât make sense to put emotional stock into things that we cannot control.
Tip Two: Only focus on what you can control
One time I was traveling home on Christmas day, our flight was delayed and as a result we missed our connecting flight. The only other flight available that night had about 7 available seats and most of the people on the our flight were all going to the same destination as us, so not everyone on that flight was going to make home on Christmas. As you can imagine, emotions were high as many passengers yelled at the customer service reps. It was a truly disappointing experience, and one totally out of our control. When it was our turn to talk to the customer service rep, instead of yelling and demanding, we calmly talked to the agent, asked them how they were doing and really made light of the situation. We gave that poor person, who had to deal with dozens of angry travelers, a brief reprieve from the madness. We ended up getting 5 of the 7 available seats and 3 were in first class.
When in a situation that is not in your control, focus on what actions you can take to get a favorable outcome.
Pro Tip: As someone who works with customers, we are 100x more likely to go out of our way for you if you are nice and even more so if you take responsibility. Just Saying.
Tip Three: Take a step back and look at the big picture
When faced with a problem, take a step back and see where and how you fit in. Iâve learned that in life, a lot of shit happens to you, not because of you. If the problem is not because of you, it probably out of your control, and if it is out of control, thereâs a good chance your emotional energy is misdirected.
If the problem is because of you, there is still a good chance your emotional energy is misdirected.
Understanding or seeing the big picture and how you fit in it will help you direct your emotional and physical energy to where it needs to be.
Tip Four: Take a timeout before you act
This is especially true when you are angry. Anger will fire off certain regions in your brain and the effect is often intense, but it also fleeting - it takes, on average, 90 seconds for your brain to literally cool off and stop firing those spicy synapses.
When you are angry, sad, or any other time you want to act on a strong emotion, donât, take a timeout instead. 5 minutes at least. During your timeout, you can meditate, you can use the tips above, just hold off on acting. Once youâve had time to center yourself, work on the action.
Tip Five: Take action (even if you donât want to)
I have had my share of situations where ignoring the problem seemed to be the best way to handle it, but the longer I ignored it, the bigger the problem got. The bigger it got the more anxiety I had, the more anxiety the more I wanted to ignore it. Whether it be filing taxes, or responding to a collection agency or an email from a customer I hadnât replied to in weeks⌠Ignoring problems will only make the hole deeper and harder to get out.
I found that taking action, even when you donât want to or even know how, taking some sort of action, any action, starts the ball rolling in the other direction and it begins to unravel. Taking action brings relief and builds confidence. Even when the outcome is not favorable, taking action gives you a sense of worth, it increases your self-value.
Tip Six: Donât be afraid to ask for help
Whether we need help solving a problem, figuring out next steps, or if we need support and guidance, we cannot do everything alone; nor should we.
Asking for help will help offload the stress youâve been carrying around. Donât be ashamed or too proud to ask for help; this includes help from friends, family, your sober network or professional help.
Tip Seven: Make time for yourself
Life gets busy, quick. Itâs important to carve out time each day/week/month for yourself. If you have a work calendar, make a daily recuring meeting for 15 or 30 minutes where you can take time to focus on your needs. Turn off your cellphone for an hour each evening and spend that time doing you. You are important and you need to allow yourself time to disconnect, decompress and just be. This will help reduce stress over time.
Tip Eight: Acceptance
Life is not fair, things donât always go your way, bad things happen to good people. You donât have to like your situation, in fact, you can hate it, but you should accept it. Itâs not easy and itâs not always pleasant, but acceptance allows you to move on towards resolution.
I knew a guy who had gotten hurt, through no fault of his own, and he had spent the rest of his life lamenting the fact that he couldnât live his life the way he used to. He was miserable and he let everyone around him know.
I also knew a kid who had lost both eyes from an abusive parent. Later in life, he had focused on his other strengths and skills and became an amazing athlete. He wrestled, ran track and played football throughout high school and later received a sports scholarship to college.
One of these people accepted their situation and one did not. One was able to pivot and adapt in order to thrive, the other not so much. It is not easy, no one will say it is, but in order to thrive, you must accept so that you can move on.
Other tidbits of wisdom, knowledge and advice I had picked up over the years
âThe person responsible for my problems is myselfâ. - This goes 2 ways: First, most of the problems in my life are self-inflicted, so instead of being angry at others or the world, I should be looking at myself. Second, no one else is responsible for resolving my issues, I am the only one responsible for that.
âDo what you sayâ - If you say youâre going to do something, do it.
âMake your bed first thing when you wake upâ
âSelf-Discipline is doing what needs to be done, when it needs to be done, whether you want to do it or not.â
âBe punctual, alwaysâ
âRemember, no one owes you anythingâ
âAlso remember, you are under no obligation to give toxic people your timeâ
âNoâ is a complete sentence
âYou are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time withâ - Choose wisely!
âItâs OK to NOT drinkâ
âWanting to do something and deciding to do something are two different thingsâ
I am sure thereâs more - but that is what comes to mind. I think that about does it. If you made it this far, you are a trooper! I hope this helps someone or at least gets the ball rolling for someone.
