Well. I do remember a point in time that i was so fucked up, and didn’t have anything left in me to care about.
During that time. I never said no. I just did whatever. I thought that it would be better if i did. I thought it would somehow make me happy. Or feel less alone in the world. I thought that by saying yes to these things that i was somehow in control.
I know that I wasn’t right in that thinking. And i have done a 180. Which is (imo) equally unhealthy. And i am trying to figure out a balancing act for those two thinking patterns…
I’m not sure that really makes sense the way I’m putting it. But it’s the best explanation I’ve got as of now.
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Yep. This. But then the addict part of my brain still wants to chase it. I’ve had hookups with guys in the past, all but one of them I left feeling disgusted with myself, ashamed, gross .etc. but within a week I’d be thinking about doing it again.
I definitely have some issues with my sexuality I need to work through, the porn has very much confused things for me, by chasing bigger, “better”, and more “taboo” videos/cybersex/real life acting out it feels like I’ve fried my brain and now as I’ve left porn & cybersex behind I feel like I don’t actually know what my true sexual likes and dislikes are. Did I enjoy any of the sex I was having or was it just giving me dopamine?
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I didn’t. I thought I did, and there’s this addictive part of me inside that still thinks that way; that this sex is the best thing in the universe and that by choosing to abstain is living a life of deprivation.
But I’m wrong. I was diluted. My conscious self has finally caught on. In fact, I cannot call it sex anymore. The fact that I called it sex points to a deeper bigger problem than the fact that I was indulging in it. It’s a counterfeit. And I refuse to indulge counterfeits anymore. No sex is better than a counterfeit. Period.
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It corrodes your soul.
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What do you refer to it as now instead of sex?
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A lot of betrayed partners would call this behavior perversion. I try to avoid shame-based terms, but I don’t have a better word to describe it.
Real sex involves relationship, commitment, exclusivity.
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Got ya. Thanks
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This resonates with me. I am beginning to see that too. I am still not sure what non-counterfeit is - that is a discovery I am still making; it is an evolution towards genuine intimacy - but I know what I don’t want.
I don’t need counterfeit. I agree:
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Theres a part in the beginning of the SA Whitebook somewhere that talks about sex free of lust or somehing and that blew my mind bc I had to think back if I had ever experienced that and sadly no, not even with my wife, I dont think. I’ll have to find that exercpt and share it. But I want to get to a place where I can experience that kind of a freeing act.
No more counterfeiting.
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I know exactly the passage you are talking about. I don’t know the exact page but it struck me the same way. I realized I had been living in illusion my whole life.
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Yup, it was both eye opening and stunning at the same time. Made me realize I didn’t know a world of intimacy outside of that and still don’t quite yet
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