Yesterday I had a day where I started in prioritizing myself, and then it got derailed. I work full time, am trying to start a business with my partner on the side, and have children. My partner lacks motivation in a lot of areas and most times I end up picking up the slack (a topic for another time). In working with my therapist and making the choice to be sober, I realize that that is the ultimate form of self care and self prioritization. When I don’t do that for myself, it’s easy for me to make poor choices, and self sabotage. Yesterday I neglected myself and picked up the slack. So rather than being outside of the home for an hour (where I had set myself some non negotiable tasks), I was out for five hours. Mainly driving kids to and from birthday parties, and grocery shopping, in our city that is insanely congested with traffic… even on a Sunday. I got a craving for wine. It was intense. I rode the wave. I was frustrated, and I was so disappointed in myself. I knew that my partner asked me to drive around with the kids because HE had drinks throughout the day. But ultimately I was the one who had to pick up the slack again. Things that helped me when I was agitated: the restriction of having to drive (hello can’t drink and drive even though I was close to convincing myself that 1-2 drinks are still legal) with my kids. I thought about how good it would feel to just feel the woozy head rush… but then thought about how bad that would feel too. My already frustrated thoughts getting amplified by alcohol… not thanks. Then I thought about how anxious I would feel today. Up until the minute I got home I was going to drink. I am 42 days AF, and thought it was ok (I’m not sure that I will never have a drink again, I just know right now it’s not for me). I didn’t drink. I took a bath. I read my book. I read to the kids before they went to bed. I realized if it had this amount of space in my thoughts, for that long… I’m not ready nor is alcohol my friend. Although I neglected myself yesterday and really beat myself up about it, I turned it around and prioritized myself. That feels good.
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So what exactly were you disappointed for Natalia? You craved but you rode the wave, thought it true and made a conscious decision not to drink today. Huge win! Big congrats!
As to never again: just for today is enough. We’ll see about tomorrow when it arrives. But today we’re not drinking. Congrats on 42 sober days, you’re doing so much better than you think. Keep going. Hugs.
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Just remember how lucky you are to be able to drive around SOBER. Its a privilage. So much to enjoy. A fresh cup of coffee, people watching, car spotting, podcasts, music, meditation time.
You are so lucky to be driving around sober! It beats the alternative.
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