This morning I had a appointment with HR and a employment expert. HR left for a while, so I could freely speak with the employment expert. So could mention my thyroid issues, PTSD and addiction. For her it was right clear that working is not a possibility at the moment. HR had send me a mail they wanted me at the office for some hours while they even don’t have suitable work. Was furious about that, since it wouldn’t help me at all. So that is discarded now. My body was nearing conversion dissociation during te meeting and afterwards, how I got home is a miracle. My father drove me to my therapist, with my body nearing conversion. At the therapist I cracked.
We discussed the meeting of that morning and also my step work, I’m on step 4 now, according to my therapist I need to find a way to not go to deep into it. That’s indeed what I do I geus. Maybe slow down on it putting the things down, I’m taking it on with to much obsession. It was the first session ever were she asked me if I had a drink. I replied no, that didn’t make anything better in the past only worst.
We came also to the point to discuss if I could go somewhere for a while. I sure would like to do that. She mentioned that crisis ward wouldn’t do me no good and I would get back even more traumatized. She mentioned also a center were I did my first two rehabs, second time to indeed just to get away from everything for a while. But I now that trick there and it’s way to expensive (my parents paid it then) since it’s quit luxurious. Another option mentioned is a long term treatment were I could go for a year with weekends at home or something. She will be sending me the details, but don’t have them yet.
She things my healthy adult is strong enough, but it doesn’t show it’s face right now. The positive things we discussed is that I don’t need to go back to my current job. That’s the relief. My reintegration will focus on something else. Also discussed what I would like to do, and that’s working with people. Thinking about that gives me some energy. I know I can do that, but have to recover my healthy adult. That’s of course a good sign and she sees me doing it as well. Confirmation is nice at the moment.
Hope you ate well Rob. Gotta take care of ourselves friend. You got a lot to work through. Glad you seem to have a good therapist to help you with stuff. Try to take it as easy as possible.
Take care Rob. You deserve to feel good and enjoy your life
Perhaps, for now, focus on some ‘simple’ things. Eat well. Rest when you need to. Go for a walk outside. Drink plenty of water. Find some, peaceful moments for reflection and gratitude. Watch some comedy.
Hope you feel better soon. Xo
Still in a tough spot, feeling like a burden. Diner for father’s birthday was okeish. Saw my son that was nice. For the rest those damn old patterns, especially in the shape I’m in. I’m not drinking that’s the positive side of things. Don’t enjoy much, probably due to the medication which was given to me. I have a low dose of risperidon for my ptsd, but don’t like that I’m on meds. Got them about 9 months ago, asking my therapist for second opinion. But forgot couple of times since sessions were only once in 2 weeks and session was over before I knew. Any experiences on that are welcome.
I’m already weeks if not months in this state therapy just not cut it. Discussing there what I need. A 9-12 month treatment is way to long, one I have been to in the past is about 6 weeks, but to expensive.
I have a lot of thoughts on the past, I’m in the circle of self-obsession, resentment, anger and fear. Scared that people get fed-up with me at the fellowship, here and in real life. My world is way to small at the moment, with to much on my plate. The feelings are not new to me, they are exactly the same as the one I self-medicated on. Which I don’t want to do again, but I’m tempted. And if nothing changes I don’t know what I’ll do. I just don’t wanna continue like this it’s no fun at all. I need the replace resentment with acceptance , anger with love and fear with hope. But I’m not any near that, feels like the addiction demon tries to get an hold on me……
I have a tendency to say sorry now, but this is what there is at the moment.
That’s one thing you have to work on I feel. I know I have and I still need to get better at being totally, unapologetically, ME. This is me and this is you, with all the dangly ugly bits included. Take it or leave it and that goes for others as much as for ourselves. Keep going Rob. Going back is simply not an option. That ship sailed long ago. Never going back.
Thanks @Mno, for me it’s also an important step to just be me. I have been so many things, I could draw a mask for any kind of situation. And of course the pleasing thingy. Just like a kameleon. Still have those tendencies and maybe it’s why I now encounter some social anxiety. With booze I didn’t experience that as I do now. Insecure about how people perceive me, while I only need to be me , that one version of me
Had a appointment with my therapist. Was one of the last sessions, since I’ll be going to a diagnostic centre. Mixed feelings about it. Don’t feel to great at the moment. Did already a lot, but my life is still a big mess. Don’t see the end of it soon. Hopefully the diagnostic centre will help at getting the appropriate help. Feels like some treatments in the last year opened some scars but didn’t close it again. I really don’t wanna continue like this, so something has to change. I had some better days last week, but it seems the depression, PTST, dysfunctional Thyroid etc. still mess me up. Find it hard to keep the faith that everything will work out fine in the end. I’m way to hard on myself….drinking thoughts are there, despair as well. Wanna shout out for help……
I hope the doctors can help regulate your health so you can feel better. I know feeling physically bad for so long has an effect on mental health, and you deserve to be happy and feel good. Sending strength to you
It’s has been quite some year. Let’s take my ADHD diagnoses as a start. It seemed to be an explanation of all the things that happened in my life. Or at least I embraced it as such, since than nobody else was to blame. Medication at first did what it needed to do. I felt energy and focus and was implementing structure into my life. Never really have had any. Although it was all so overwhelming I dropped out of work.
Something that really became worst where my behavioral addictions like PMO and smoking. My medication Ritalin was linked to the PMO. Therefor I reached out to the treatment centre I did my last rehab. When I was there they asked me if I left something out during my treatment. Within minutes I was at my trauma’s which were never acknowledged as such in the past however I discussed some things in the course of the past 11 years in which I had four treatments. Mostly linked to not feeling heard and seen during my upbringing. But as I see it, something always happened before my severe use of my DOC that took the frontstage instead of my trauma’s from my past. Mostly related to relationships going sour, which let me to drink to oblivion and entering rehabs once more.
It was decided to enroll for a PTSD treatment based on EMDR. According to my psychiatrist the ADHD medication pushed me into the trauma’s. So he stopped it and did put me on PTSD medication (risperidon) to stabilize me until the treatment would start. The treatment was an brief and intense one. When I started more and more things popped up and I even got an extension of two days. Resulting in 12-13 treated trauma’s. During the course of it I still went to my therapist (schema therapy ) . It had be going quit well in the past, we where once at a point of stopping. But it went downhill after the trauma therapy and after I started my stepwork. Those showed me all the things that happened in my life in all clarity. It’s not a fun sight, all the things broken and all the impulsive decisions I made in my life all visible. Fifty years old and nothing to show for.
My therapist started to mention that she wasn’t sure that she good handle me. Especially at the moment my thyroid was again not functioning properly. It’s known that it can cause depression, that was the only thing she could remember from her education. So treatment became hard, while my depression kicked in and was there to stay. Thoughts on not wanting to continue life like this were arising more frequently. Just not knowing who I’m anymore.
My therapist proposed to go to a diagnostic neuropsychiatric treatment centre to get a proper diagnosis. Maybe this should have happened already a long time ago, since the feelings I have now are not totally strange to me. I’m not in favor of medication, I dislike it very much that I’m on risperidon. But if some is needed and helps I have no other option I geus. The treatment is in-house which I do not particularly like, but it is was it is, selfcare and activation is very limited. Now on holidays it’s not to bad, but it’s all going out for diner etc. So I might have gained some weight during this week.
At home I lean a lot on my parents, which feels not healthy at all. I should take care of them by now, and of course some trauma finds it’s origin within the family and they still are unable the listen and give the support I need. Which is still linked to feeling heard and seen by them.
I leave it for now, just needed to vent a bit feeling a bit lost
I know you are anxious about going in for your treatment tomorrow (diagnostic neuropsychriatric treatment) but I think this will be very helpful for you. I do understand your point of view of wanting to take care of your parents and not having it the other way around. I often feel this as my mom takes care of me right now and I’m 45. Take care of yourself and get the help you need so that you can get healthier so that you can repay them by being well and healthy.
I can’t imagine feeling emotionally and physically ill for so long. I am grateful that you are continuing to fight for yourself and hopeful that you will get the help you need
We are here for you – sending you strength and healing vibes!
I hope the doctors can help regulate your health so you can feel better. I know feeling physically bad for so long has an effect on mental health, and you deserve to be happy and feel good. Sending strength to you 