I get all the
“you’re doing great”
“I’m so proud of you”
“You’ve come so far”
The reality is I’ve just become a better hider. I hide in plain sight. I hold my emotions in because no one around me can even stomach what I went through. I know that sharing my experiences would only inflict pain and inspire nightmares for the ones around me.
And the few that maybe could be there for me don’t have time. And I don’t want to burden them.
How do you even begin to “process” it.
My emotions go from one extreme to the other multiple times a day an no one even knows it. I have no tells. No one knew I was going through it… and no one knows I’m still going through it. I’m hurting. My self esteem. My mentality. My heart. And I then switch to anger. And I refuse to lash out. So I end up taking it out on myself. And the cycle goes on and on. What he did to me… What they let him do to me. Feeling so alone in it all.
I don’t know why I’m even posting this. Just to vent I suppose.
I think you posted this because you need to know that someone out there cares. It’s me. I care. I see your strength and I hear your pain. I’m listening.
Thank you. Maybe you’re right. I feel like I just shut down completely. I didn’t even cry… I haven’t cried in a the entire 15 months since I left him. Until today. I just feel so broken. Out of nowhere.
You might be due for a big 'ol cry. I don’t know what you’ve been through but I worked with DV survivors for a few years when I was in social work and the strength I saw was astounding. Also the absolute horrors of the way people were treated, also astounding, especially when it is acted out under the name of “love”. I WON’T make you cry at work but I am sending you strength for the shift.
I never thought I’d say this but after 20 months of intense group (schema) psychotherapy aimed at some of my specific problems my advice is to search for a fitting therapy Kayla. If you can. And for a DV peer group too. This place helped me tremendously because in my day to day live nobody really gets it. But my mental health problems needed a more specific approach. And then again, I’m not done. I’ve been sexually abused as a kid and I feel I still need to address that, in my therapy group I didn’t feel I could share about that, so the search and the road continues. Hard stuff friend. But not undoable. Keep going plz. Hugs.
Well I’ve posted my whole story here… Feel free to look into it. Thanks for not making me cry at work lol would be about right tho thank you for reaching out.
Thank you much! My small town makes resources scarce. I’ve been fortunate enough to find a trauma therapist that will work with me by phone and my IOP was all on zoom. If not I wouldn’t have been able to get any of the help I did get.
I am not an overnight worker but I am up late because I work evenings. I’m off to bed now but wanted you to know that someone has got your back. Keep going and feel the feels when you are ready. I’m rooting for you.
You know I always got your back, whether it’s dumb things like; hey how do I check my oil, which color cons should I buy to Im having a meltdown please help.
My availability is terrible at times but I try my best.
thank you for reaching out.