I sit outside watching my toddler play independently (just a diaper on ) running with the dogs, eatting dirt and swinging But I catch myself romancing drinking and drugging… I mean I didn’t always drink when I wanted to forget or I was stressed out. I drank cause well its a nice day. I’ve been running errands allday and I’m in a good mood! (We as alcoholics can make up any excuse to drink) so I had to tell on myself really quick instead of picking up.. I’m using this forum to get myself out of my head and longing for things I’ll never be able to do again. I am an alcoholic. I will not have just one. I’ll never be cured of this disease. And I am okay with that NOW. But I have to catch myself and risky thoughts.
I do this also. It doesn’t have to be a “bad” day to want to use. It could be sunny and everything is going well in life, and I will want to use. The lie in my mind, is telling me that using will either improve my mood or enhance my already good mood. What I do when this happens, is play the tape to the end… all the way to the very end where I’m waking up the next morning regretting what I did, the awful negative feelings of shame and remorse and disgust, hating resetting my timer, disappointing myself and my loved ones and friends on here. When things are good in life… its BCUZ I’m clean and sober. And when things are craopy in life, it’s bcuz it’s life and sometimes things aren’t that great… but I do realize today that those stressful moments and challenging times DO NOT last. Addiction is sneaky and will try many diff ways to bring us down.
Yep I’ve been there. Idealizing and romanticizing my addiction. It’s an escape, it’s fun, it’s something that helps me relax… blah blah blah. The mind can be sneaky!
Good for you for recognizing it and connecting here to stay safe
For sure pretty much everyday I think of using atleast once. Is what it is, just have to catch it and say it’s a thought doesn’t mean I have to act on it
I can fully relate to this, now tho, and I find this a lot more scary, the alcoholic brain that I have is not even trying to romanticise the idea any more… Instead it is basically toying with the idea of getting hammered and it’ll feel like crap and you’ll feel really bad the next day but it’ll be ok because it’ll just be a one off weekend
I hate it, it’s so scary, it takes away the “play the tape forward” part.
Same! I have bad anxiety do alot of times my brain doesn’t let me thing of any other ways to get rid of my feelings so I literally have to DO something.
It took me a good year or more to stop romanticizing the wine or the martini. I thought it would never end. I thought about starting a thread about it but I didn’t. Mind you it wasn’t urges. I can’t even remember when I stopped romanticizing my wine. But it did take about a year or more and I’m glad that finally came to an end.
Its better for me to come here or go to a meeting spend my time with like minded folks to hear and share about the experience. Ive tried reframe my thinking or maybe just accepted the truth of what alcohol and drugs have really done for me which is nothing. My use never made me feel better about myself or help me relax or make me more social I can do all those things better without any substance being sober. What it has caused me is alot of emotional turmoil legal problems some health issues and alot of wasted years oblivious to the world and people that really matter to me. Its great to be able to come here and be reminded how conniving addiction can be if i get stuck in my head, thanks for sharing great to see you here.
) running with the dogs, eatting dirt and swinging But I catch myself romancing drinking and drugging… I mean I didn’t always drink when I wanted to forget or I was stressed out. I drank cause well its a nice day. I’ve been running errands allday and I’m in a good mood! (We as alcoholics can make up any excuse to drink) so I had to tell on myself really quick instead of picking up.. I’m using this forum to get myself out of my head and longing for things I’ll never be able to do again. I am an alcoholic. I will not have just one. I’ll never be cured of this disease. And I am okay with that NOW. But I have to catch myself and risky thoughts.
