I’ve done and said some really messed up shit over the years, to my dad primarily. I’ve yelled at him, told him I hate him for raising me, and I stole a fuck load of money from him as a kid (it started when I was 9 and stopped when I was 15-16). That’s 6 to 7 years of my bullshit that this poor man has to suffer through. I’m 20 now, and goddamn do I regret every bit of my antics, the stealing more than anything. We didn’t have a lot of money when I was little, yet my stupid ass was stealing 50s and 20s from my dad’s wallet to buy junk food for my idiot friends every other week.
I’m a bastard, my mother cheated on my dad and got pregnant with me as a result of said cheating. And yet my dad calls me his daughter, has raised me as his own, given me a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and food on my plate. Don’t misunderstand me, I am forever grateful for him and all he has done for me, I just hate myself for being a piece of shit who lied to and stole from the very man who didn’t abandon me unlike my bio dad, who ran for the hills when he found out I was sick as a newborn.
I’m a Daddy’s girl through and through, which is contradictory since I’ve treated him terribly… I know in my heart that I do love my dad, always have and always will. Hell, I fear moving out and going on my own because I’m scared shitless that something bad will happen to him and he’ll pass away, get sick etc. (I know said things can happen whether I’m still living with him or not, it still stresses me out nonetheless). And it feels wrong to be like this with him. For all I know he’s desperately waiting for me to leave so he’ll be free of me. It hurts guys, it really hurts. I wish I could go back in time and stop myself from doing all that shit, but I can’t. And that’s the hardest to accept…
I can’t say that I did exactly the same things as you, but I know for certain I hurt my parents too. When I got to your age, Around 20/21yrs old, I apologised for the things I had done. I told them I’d been stupid, selfish and ungrateful, and that I was so sorry for what I put them through.
Simone, we all make mistakes. Once we hit our teens, we think we know everything and push back on the very ones that loved and nurtured us all our lives. We were trying to strike out in our own way, trying to grow up too fast.
If I can offer you a piece of advice, either speak to your Dad, or write him a letter. I know he lives with you, but some people find it easier to write what they feel.
I bet you anything that your letter would mean the world to him. Whether you are biologically his child or not, he has always seen you as his. No matter how much shit you gave him in the past, he stuck by your side. He still is today. Don’t let stupid DNA stop you from seeing that he’s your father, and has been there all along. He’s the one that stepped up.
I promise you, he’s already forgiven you for the past, but your words will warm his heart. He’ll know it’s been worth it all, and you can both move on to happier memories
Have you ever told him any of this? You’re twenty, you have a long time of relationship with your father left, why not make it a relationship where he at least knows that you regret your actions, and love him. He may forgive you, he may not, but at least he would know, and you would have told him.
I am a “bastard” myself, Mum had an affair and got pregnant, the bio-dad ran off, dad raised me as ‘his’, to make it even more complex, bio-dad came back and married mum and pretended to be my stepdad until mum died. From this, it is the secrets and the faking that hurt the most. You can’t go back in to the past, but by facing the past and talking about past actions and feelings you can at least stop the past haunting the present.
Ah, these teenager times… When I was teenager I as well did some shit, which now I regret.
First all. We’re all people and we all make mistakes. Second all, it’s important to realise we did some mistake and then somehow work with it, which you did and congrats!
And third all. Your father is still with you, no matter what you did. I think he just truly loves you, no matter what is happening. This is possibly some parent love, which I don’t understand now, because I’m not parent, either you. In your case I would talk to him about this all and just say simply sorry. I think he would understand you.
I have never told him any of this. And my bio dad came back into my life when I was 13 but has been on the back burner since because he fucked up and left me, he doesn’t deserve the same love and respect that my dad has earned. He knows it too. I’ve wanted to tell my dad these things but I just can’t for some reason. Even writing it down would be hard for me (I don’t like being open about that kind of stuff).
The “pieces of shit” we all are at times. It’s so natural to be nasty to people and take advantage of them when we can. We are human and to be human is to also be opportunistic and to self-preserve. I have a 7 year old daughter and we adopted her. Please, copy and paste your above statement and send it to your dad. It made me cry. I know it will make him cry too because it shows your true feelings, your honesty and vulnerability at being judged by a loved one. Being a parent…it’s hard sometimes when your own children say and do hurtful things to you like screaming they hate you or destroying their room or stealing money. It’s like you become a thing to be rebellious against when all you ever wanted was to experience the “joy of parenthood” … it’s a real thing for sure. Can you recall any sweet moments with your dad? Probably harder than remembering the ugly times. Talk about what you said in this feed and apologize to him. Let him know how shitty you feel about those bad things you did. People don’t apologize as often as they could because it opens us up to rejection. Rejection will not happen. Likely, he will then want to apologize for all the ways he was shitty to you and you won’t have any idea what he is talking about haha!
The steps of AA prepared me to be rid of my resentments, including my guilt and shame, and to make amends, not just apologies but real ways to make things right, to the people I had harmed. Before that, rumination was my game. Since then, I do not have to play it any more.
In my recovery, as I did my step work I became free of weights I didn’t realize I carried. My dad died of his alcoholism when I was 13. He worked out of state during the week and he came home on the weekends long enough to tell me what to do and go to the bar with his friends. The night before he died unexpectedly, he came home. I was on the phone with someone and he asked me to hang up so he could use the phone. (Back in those days, we had phones attached to the wall by a cord and we all had to share the same line lol) Instead of saying give me a minute, I said, “Nope! If mom tells me to hang up I will. You don’t get to come home and tell me what to do”. Which, he just unplugged the cord and the line disconnected. I am pretty sure I yelled downstairs that he was an asshole after that too. Those were the last words I ever said to my father.
In my recovery, I got to let that weight go. I got to let go of ALL my resentments, my guilt, shame, remorse, my wishing things were different or that I could change the past. I can’t change what happened. But I can let that weight go and live my life completely different today.
I lived beside my mom for almost 20 years in a duplex she bought. I rented my side out from her and stayed under her wing all that time. When I did my step work, I was able to let go and I moved over an hour away to my own house. I realized in this move how much we actually hindered each others growth until I let go and allowed this change to happen. It wasn’t an easy transition for either of us at times, but we actually have a better and more meaningful relationship now than we did. I was scared to leave her because I was afraid something would happen to her. But in us both clinging to each other, we were actually not living our lives to the fullest. That’s one of the many gifts my recovery has brought me.
I was also able to make my amends with my dad. He’s been gone 26 years now but my relationship with him was fully able to transform. In my experience, death isn’t the end. It’s just a new beginning. We are still connected. And by me releasing all of the weight with my step work, I have freed us both. Hugs!
Thanks for your inspiring post, gives me some positivity on my step work and that it indeed will lift my remuneration as @SinceIAwoke put’s it it is my current game and is stretching my nerves
In recovery we have to get to a place where we look back at our past, acknowledge it, yes it was painful, but it brought you to this point in life, all you are now would not have been possible w/o that diversity and struggle, own it as part of who you are, and stop allowing it to be fuel to use. Move on with positivity knowing you are the best version of you you could be at this point in life and do your best to stay that course. Stay strong
May i suggest that your Home Dad has seen you grow and loves you very much. He accepted you at 9, he has continued to 19. With your hurts habits and hangups. STILL.
I might be wrong, but it might be what your Bio wants to hear. If you, acknowledge TO him, that he messed up, he will then know what he can do to improve.
When my wife moved away with my son, it hurt. A whole lot. She told me not to pursue
My son took it as i didn’t fight for him. That as if i left him. It took hard work to repair, and hard work to not blame his mom, but we are better now.
My son said i hurt and abandoned him. I gave no argument. I stayed and listened
Now we can talk. Because he ALLOWED me in to GAIN trust.
He trusts me now, only because he allowed himself to trust him. He did give me boundaries.
I’m his parent, and now he does ALLOW me to call him my son.
MAYBE, just maybe, it hurts him a much as it hurts you.
Stay strong, stay firm.
Only you know what to tell EITHER Dad, you write to one then tell the other.
Sometimes writing it all out (like you did here) and can lift some of the pressure a little. Other times writing feelings out on paper and releasing them into the world that way can help or even delivering the letter to the intended. Or going so far to simply sit with them and let them know you regret your actions of the past.
We all have regrets for sure. And we all strive to be better humans. And we are all simply humans who will mess up sometimes. Admitting to our mess ups and putting them in the past is part of life. Some things are easier to let go of then others for sure. But being a human and a teenage human especially holds a lot of feelings we don’t quite know what to do with and a lot of learning experiences that help us mature. We learn and grow from these experiences, as you have. It is okay to release the ruminating and guilt and move forward stronger in your knowledge of how you want to live and be from now on.
