Hi everyone, I know I’m not the first to ask for advice of this caliber, but I would appreciate your wisdom.
A good friend of mine is throwing a party tomorrow night, which I know for a fact will have drinking and smoking. I’m now 3 weeks sober from my DOC weed, and I know myself well enough that if I go, I will drink and then I’ll end up smoking too. She is a good friend and we have indeed been able to hang out sober. However, she’s not an addict and I haven’t told her that I’m struggling with sobriety (nor do I really want to divulge that info at this time…)
I’m trying to come up with a good reason to not go tomorrow without seeming like a flake or disrespectful. I already tried to pull the whole “I work that evening,” but she replied that the party would be going on late into the night so I can come over as late as I’d like. I also tried to say I don’t really have anything to wear (it’s a themed party), and she said that she has plenty of stuff that I could borrow and she’d happily “dress me up.”
I can tell that she really wants me to come, and I don’t want to disappoint her. But I don’t want to break my sobriety, and I don’t want to be the only sober person in a room full of drunk/high people.
I know that I can’t go to this party. I can’t jeopardize my sobriety, I just can’t. I guess I’m looking for advice/good excuses/etc. for how to get out of it without seeming like a flake or hurting her feelings. Any wisdom would be appreciated. Thank you so much in advance.
And I might be coming off as a coward for posting this in the first place… I’m still personally coming to terms with the fact that I’m an addict, and I’m just not ready to share that fact with my friends and family yet.
You’re not coming off as a coward you are where you are and acknowledging your feelings and that’s 100% gold in recovery.
However, it would be good if you could face up to being an addict in recovery asap cos that’s also part of recovery, getting past the label and what others may think who have no idea about you just getting on with what is healthy and good for you.
But still, since you don’t wanna be transparent, a no thanks, I don’t feel like it should be just as valid, especially w good friends.
Good choice btw. And the right choice, sitting this out.
You’re not a coward. Your sobriety comes first. I have dealt with similar situation by telling my friends that I’m an alcoholic and addict and I’m not yet ready to come to parties. And to be honest, I’m not interested in being with people who are drunk and high, so whenever someone asks me to come to such a party, I just say no thanks, not interested. And if they are good friends and they are, they’ll stick in my life. If they’re not wanna hang out with me because I’m sober, well, they can go, I don’t need them in my life. My wellbeing comes first.
Your sobriety is the most important thing in the world and always will be.
The sooner people know that you have a big problem with alcohol the better. Good non alcoholic friends will try to understand and not push you, anyone who does push you towards situations you’re not comfortable with must be pushed away, as they will have a negative impact on your sobriety.
Always remember that No is a fully formed sentence, it is totally valid and does not require an explanation of any kind for anyone.
Also, you may want to try AA as the members will definitely understand (been there, see it, done it and they probably all have the T-shirt to prove it). They will support you in every way they can.
Good luck and don’t take the first drink, that’s the one that gets you drunk not the nineth or tenth. &
I can only speak for myself but I wouldn’t go. I’ve had to make decisions about socializing in recovery and I’ve realized that my friends are people who understand my emotional and social needs (including not spending time in my addiction - I need to keep myself safe from that). I’ve made friends (I’ve also lost a couple friends, but I don’t regret it; it was the right choice).
Lots of good advice so far on this thread. How are you feeling about this?
If she’s a good friend, not just a party friend, then you should be able to say, “Hey friend, I love you and would love to be there, but I am not going to be able to. I just got sober and sobriety means a lot to me. It is early for me and my sober muscles aren’t as strong as they will be. So for now, I am skipping parties.”
Or just say, “I’m sorry, I need to sit this one out” if you don’t want to share your sobriety.
One thing you’ll find, and it can be a challenge, I won’t lie…is that some friends are party friends and some friends are more long term friends. That is kind of true in life no matter sobriety or not. Not all friends stay in our lives forever. A true friend will support your sobriety and be happy that you are doing something you need to be healthy. Party friends will try to get you to ‘just loosen up’ ‘just have one’.
One of the most important things in early sobriety is babying your sobriety and your self…taking care to stay away from situations that might tempt you when you haven’t learned new coping techniques. Just because we go sober, doesn’t mean we automatically have the tools, wisdom, strength, knowledge to make new choices.
And it is % okay to say no, I can’t make it (period, end of sentence). We don’t owe anyone an explanation.
Remember what matters most here…you…and your sobriety. Take care of yourself always.
If you don’t feel able to tell her about your sobriety then you could just say you are ill, come down with a cold/flu/migraine or something or that your just tried/exhausted after work. Good luck, but sounds like not going is a good decision!
Thank you, everyone. This is exactly what I needed to hear. Lots of really great advice.
I will not be going to that party. Right now I’m going to tell my friend that I just can’t make it tonight, but that I hope everyone has fun and stays safe. And that’s all that I can do for right now.
Going to have to sit with and process through my discomfort with being an addict, and learning to trust others with that information too. It’s going to take me some time to do that, but I’m starting to realize it’s necessary to share with those who are close to me.
Regardless, I won’t be tempting fate by going to that party. Plan is so that by this time tomorrow, I’m still sober.
In my early sobriety, I used all sorts of excuses to avoid drinking parties - my ulcer is acting up, I have another commitment, I’m laying low for a bit, etc.
My drinking buddies stopped calling me after I begged off a few times.
Bit the bullet and messaged my friend today that the real reason I didn’t go last night is because I’m in recovery. I feel really ashamed having to admit to someone else that I have a problem, but I’m trying to remind myself that it’s the addict brain lying to me. Hopefully she will understand, and if not…well, let’s just take it all ODAAT. Thank you again everyone for your words of wisdom. I appreciate it.
You should feel proud of yourself, not shame. It’s not your fault that drink and drug affects you differently than most people, so be proud that you are doing what so many people are not willing to do. Be proud that you are putting yourself and your own wellbeing above everything else. Be proud you are willing to do what it takes to lay your sober head on your pillow tonight.
Don’t go! Don’t sacrifice your sobriety for someone else’s party. They’ll drink, and the next day they’ll be able to get back on track—work, sleep, etc. But we’re addicts, and it’s not that easy for us to just return to the track, which is exactly why we’re here.
Just tell your friend you’re not feeling well, like you have a fever or something, and you’re taking medicine. The most important thing is that we can’t handle our drunken friends with a sober mind. Don’t go—it might make you think that just one drink today won’t hurt, but it’ll lead to a lot of problems down the line.
She told me that she had no idea that I was struggling, and supports me 100%. Also said that she’d be happy to just have a popcorn and movie night with no substances involved. I feel like I’m going to cry. Idk what reply I expected, but this is better than whatever I had imagined. Feeling pretty good and overwhelmed in the best way.
I am happy for you. I have mentioned here before that I don’t broadcast my sobriety to everyone. Close to me know but meeting new folks I tend not to say anything. But my husband pretty much shares my sober journey with everyone he talks to. At first it bothered me but now realize he is proud of me and has something to boast about. I know he is on Facebook (I never have been) and pretty sure the whole world knows.
Honestly, she sounds like a wonderful friend. That was a lovely message from her, and I bet it’s a weight off your mind. Sobriety is certainly one way of finding out who are your true friends, and who have just been drinking buddies all along. Support, understanding and kindness is just what you need right now. Keep her!
&
% okay to say no, I can’t make it (period, end of sentence). We don’t owe anyone an explanation.
