Its been 37 days…i can feel the anxiety building at the fact that things are starting to level out and become calm and normal…the horrible incident 38 days ago that brought me to sobriety is now fading, im feeling less awful about it and although i dont want to pick up a drink im scared that the guilt, fear, the fact that everyone around me was on high alert and watching me was the thing mostly keeping me sober…people are starting to believe i can actually do this and i dont want to let them down…i guess im having a day of feeling, just scared…
It’s okay to feel scared.
If I may offer you a thought it is this:
It is normal not to want to let others down. So, use that as that as motivation! Show them, the world and most importantly YOURSELF what you are capable of!
That being said, I will leave you with this. Feelings fade but regret is forever and while breaking your promises and word to others may hurt for awhile, breaking the promises and words you made to yourself will never go away!
Stay strong. Stay the course!
Thank you for this thats great advice, i guess im just venting which helps get the feelings out which in turn helps with the fear…
Im in the same boat and everytime a negative thought pops up. I just keep telling myself it’s no longer an option there is no going back. The anxiety is horrible just try to keep your mind busy on something. I know easier said than done. I hope it gets easier. Keep your head up!!
Thank you Brandy i guess what i also need to do is find a way to adapt to this new situation…to 100% know that because the heat is coming off of me thats no good reason to go back to drinking…remind myself why im doing this in the first place for me and my daughter, it feels scary because i guess its a bit unknown as for so long i was either drinking or in trouble of some sort with the people around me…feels almost childlike in a way. I am a grown woman with responsibilities who needs to stay sober for myself and my daughter…im going to try and see this feeling as a good positive thing because i guess it is, im sober and people i care about are starting to relax and begin attempting to trust me…
I can totally relate. I get this feeling after some time sober, and it has led to relapse in the past for me. What’s been helpful for me personally is to challenge myself in those situations by setting goals or finding a new activity- I’ve done things like train for a 10k race, learn to knit and make a blanket, sign up for volunteer work, etc. That way I can keep my mind busy, do something that feels less “normal,” and remind myself I couldn’t do this without sobriety. Idk if your life structure allows for anything like that but wanted to chime in just in case you can do this!
Its entirely normal for our minds to want to block out and minimize how ugly past experiences were. Scientifically its a survival instinct evolved over many years that allows us to cope with past traumas and navigate life as conscious beings. Unfortunately it extends to all the previous damage done to ourselves and others while drinking.
You can do this! It’s not easy, especially at first, but I promise you, it will get better. I am 618 days sober, and yesterday I drove past the spot where I rolled my truck and got a DUI 619 days ago. It immediately triggered thoughts of drinking and actually wanting a drink, but I have used the tools given to me in recovery to handle that thought. Here is the funny thing, that spot where I rolled my truck is literally about 1000 feet from my house, and I drive by it every single day… But for some reason yesterday I just drove by and BAM the urge to drink hit me. You can do this!!
Thanks for some great advice and understanding folks, i will stand firm i wont drink, it helps when i get these anxieties and fears to just vent them out on here so as to deal with them than push them to the back of my mind, to some 37 days is just the tip of the iceberg but to me this is a massive accomplishment to go from the fragile, broken and terrified person i was to who i am now…stronger, more like myself and being able to start liking and having respect for myself again, its only been 37 days but for all the changes and hard work it feels so much longer
This group is so amazing.
The support is fantastic.
I needed to read this today as well.
How many more of these bad events do you need?
Non really, i was venting about how i feel??
I keep telling myself where my kids are teenagers that if i go back then im giving up on raising them im failing them because in my addiction i wasnt the mom they needed i was a stranger to them. This is all sooo hard and learnin to handle emotions is extremely difficult sometimes. Every ride has an end you just gotta decide where youre getting off at. We do recover we deserve it.
This helps me. One of the 3,842 (okay you’ve got me, that is an estimate) reasons why I drank was to kill some weirdness in me. Now I try to sit with that weirdness. Invite it in, offer it a party hat and some coffee. Let it be. Sending you a hug.
Thanks Brandy and Emilie, i will for sure let the wierdness in Hug greatfully recieved…right back at ya
I realize im a day late for this post and i have read so much good advice. I also feared normality. It sometimes still scares me. When we have used or drank for sooo many years its very natural to be fearful of the unknown (a clean and sober life). We as humans tend to gravitate towards what is normal and “comfortable” for us, no matter how chaotic or toxic it is. I was told by one of my old sponsors many years ago that i am a child of chaos. Meaning thats what i know and as an addict my life truly was a chaotic one and it was super uncomfortable for me to live a normal persons life (like what is that?! Lol). But… change is good! And i just needed to learn to embrace normality and to be okay with not having chaos and drama constantly happening each n every day. At almost 8 months clean i actually love quiet, normal days and yet in fact my life is never boring. I have experienced so much in recovery, new passions n hobbies, new events, and things like going to the zoo with my family, and have built memories that i can remember… all bcuz im clean and sober. Please continue on with ur recovery. Those thots and anxieties about normality is normal and will pass
It was shared with that feeling scared is normal and very good. The reason is that we are alive and learning to know what feelings are. Feelings were buried, stuff or drank through. Feeling them in sobriety is a big milestone!!! Also being scared makes us vulnerable and as an alcoholic we don’t like that. Today we have amazing tools, networks, sponsors and a higher power of our understanding to help us through. Hope this makes sense. Sharing what was told to me. Blessed Day.
Thank you Dana and Jerzee, i will absolutely soldier on, i just need to adapt and keep remembering why im doing this, my life really is much better without it i just struggle with the fear and also the guilt of the things i did while drunk, i go from happy, bubbly Kelly that literally wont hurt a fly to a completely horrible person, some of the things ive said and done while drunk are so far removed from the person i actually am is unreal, the fact that ive hurt people i find very difficult to forgive myself for