Scared to take antidepressants but know I need them to get better

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Hi everyone :hugs:

My mental health is really low, it has been for the last 4 yrs.
After trying 9 different antidepressants and the only one that helped made me gain weight so quick (5 stone in a few months)

I have a new one the Dr has prescribed for me.
I have not taken any for over a year and a half and Iā€™m so anxious and worried about the silliest things.
Iā€™m not getting better by myself.
Iā€™m terrified to take antidepressants thinking I will pull myself out of this.
I have cptsd thatā€™s at the moment by my choice (probably not a good choice) not being treated and I can feel is getting so bad.
I donā€™t really know why Iā€™m posting this, I have spoken to my Dr about this.
Maybe if anyone wants to share their own experience?
I really want to get better but Iā€™m blocking myself the help, part of me believes it will do me more harm than good but I know my thinking is not clear or rational so I donā€™t think I know anything Iā€™m stuck.

:sunflower:

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From my own experienceā€¦

I suffered with PTSD. I refused to get help with it. The refusal came from 2 places. First, I had to be strong. Strong equaled not getting help. Second, it was my sentence. I had convicted myself of a wrong doing (percieved) and the only sentence that fit my crime was living with PTSD.

Not saying that is what you are doing. Just offering up why I suffered so long. Sometimes we ā€œmakeā€ ourself suffer. In the moment it seems like the right thing to do. Looking backā€¦it was a crazy outlook that I had.

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Hugs :people_hugging: I hope you are in a better place now :pray:

This :arrow_up: the outlook I have makes sense to me, although my gut feels Iā€™m not seeing how bad it really is.
My sister tries to explain to me that Iā€™m constantly going around in circles with the struggles and essentially refusing help.

Reading your post I have compassion and empathy for you that you saw this view for yourself, why canā€™t I see that for myself.

Iā€™m thinking to give it a try, the medication, because everyday is such a struggle if it helps just a little.
Just scared of side effects and that it will feel worse for a week or two before it starts to work - The thought of feeling worse is scary. - the thought of spiralling down hill not helping myself is scary too.

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Soā€¦the good newsā€¦you are normal! What you are feeling and thinking is absolutely normal. Most professionals in the mental health buisness will talk about how people just wont take their meds.

For me, I was luckyā€¦so yo speakā€¦dealing with my PTSD went hand in hand with getting sober. I used drinking as an excuse to deal with my PTSD. So, I set out getting sober via dealing with my PTSD. That was luck on my part. We all know PTSD didnt cause me to drink. I can see tha now.

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Ah Twiz, I felt exactly the same as you.

I was prescribed fluoxetine at 15 and it made me violently ill, so I had to cease treatment.
Then I started sertraline at 16, which caused me to become severely agitated and angry. I eventually learned that this was signs of mania, but wouldnā€™t know that for anyone 5 years.
I tried citalopram, mirtazapine. No luck.
Then moved on to quetiapine and olanzapine at 18, and gained a ton of weight.
I swore off medication completely and said that I was better off without it.

Then, December of last year, my drinking was spiralling out of control and I was severely depressed, having psychotic episodes, etc. I knew something had to change, but I was terrified.
I spoke to my GP and they prescribed me fluoxetine again. Obviously, I was concerned about this as I had been so sick previously, but they took me seriously and also prescribed some anti-sickness (Prochlorperazine).

I had a huge boost in mood, and felt as light as a feather within a week, but it still didnā€™t feel like me.
I went back, had the fluoxetine upped to 40mg and went into a manic episode.
I had a chat with my psychiatrist (after begrudgingly admitting for the first time in 3 years that I needed to go back to mental health services) and she lowered my fluoxetine to 30mg, but added 50mg of quetiapine in as well.

Do I feel ā€˜perfectā€™? Absolutely not, and my meds will probably need to be tweaked again soon, but my anxiety is so much better! So is my confidence and compulsions to engage in reckless behaviour. I still have ā€˜bed-rotā€™ days (and am currently psyching myself up to clean my depression pit, lol) but I can generally function on a day-to-day basis, rather than being a drunken, crying, anxious mess.
Oh, and alcohol will mess you up if you drink on medication, so thatā€™s another reason to stay sober.

Sorry this is so long, but I really hope it helps you make a decision. Please remember that this is my story so these specific meds may not work for you. Either way, Iā€™d encourage you to have a chat with your doctor about how you feel. It doesnā€™t have to be this way.

Much love Twiz x :people_hugging:

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Hi Twizz

I started Escitalopram in 2019 after developing a sudden and debilitating health condition in the November of 2018. I believe that I also had a subsequent mental breakdown to be honest, but I didnā€™t really see at the time. Escitalopram helped at the time, but I was still white knuckling trauma and drinking heavily. So, ergo, the drugs didnā€™t work as well as they might have. I was also given a lot of valium to use during a couple of these years as I had to stop any antidepressants due to cross combination with my medication for my eye condition.

I had been on them since then, albeit I halved my own doseā€¦ but they seemed to completely stop working around January 2024, and I was starting to feel out of control. Anger, trauma focus, obsessive thinking, lack of self compassion, isolation, narrow mindedness towards accepting any grace. You name it, I had everything crashing down again at the end of 2023 mentally. I had started drinking again after about 15 months sober and my work place was toxic and soul destroying.

I estranged completely from my mother and step father in 2021 after decades of toxic narcissist abuse.
I quit my job in February/March this year.
I contacted my GP and had numbers of tests for peri menopause. Iā€™m on a referral to gynae in London currently.
I started counselling thru GP referral.
I switched to sertraline 100mg and stopped Escitalopram completely.

I started to open up to people and name and ā€˜shameā€™ my own shame and guilt. It is not me, although it feels that way. Trusting and talking and connection is absolutely key. Often inaction is your bodies safety mechanism; if you are used to sitting in something uncomfortable you get used to that discomfort, no matter how uncomfortable it might be. It makes sense inside and underneath no matter how insane it sounds in reality.

This combination above has saved my life short term since then. Talking with you guys, my therapist, being honest with friends, devouring a million podcasts and books on different styles and types of recovery and trauma therapy have helped. Opening my eyes to grace and compassion has ONLY been something I can access since feeling better in myself. I do not believe you can just fake it till you make it.

Sometimes our chemistry needs adjusting. Give it a go, everything else can follow afterwards.

Always here for ya Twizz. You are not crazy, and you will find a way. Your way.

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Oh Twiz, i just want to send you my love and supportā€¦i really feel for youā€¦ive tried several different types of anti depressant mainly for anxietyā€¦im on duloxitine now and find it really helps me and hasnt made me gain weight. Sending love and hugs, we are here for you lovely :heart: :people_hugging:

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While I still drank and/or smoked I have been on amitriptyline, a rather old fashioned one but I was given it because I had stopped sleeping altogether and it has sedative properties. It helped but I was on if for longer than I wanted. Although it wasnā€™t much more than a year.

Second one was sertraline I think I started a little bit before I quit drinking 5 years ago. I think it helped, itā€™s always hard to see whatā€™s the difference between getting better because of medication or because of life style interventions -quitting drinking was a big one of course! I quit that when I was in group therapy for a bit.

I do believe in the end itā€™s therapy and life style changes that have to do the job. But medication can be a very useful and needed help tool. Especially in forcing a break through. Finding the right one can be a long process. I feel you should try again. Together with working on yourself. And staying sober of course. Big hugs friend :heart: :people_hugging: :heart:

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Hi @Twizzlers I spoke with my doctor about it and I was prescribed bupropion (Wellbutrin), which has made a huge difference. My doctor scheduled a follow up appointment with me for a month after I started, and said if at any time I was feeling like things were way off, to come in earlier. Turns out it worked perfectly for me.

It also seems to work well with my ADHD. Iā€™m not sure why. My doctor said she had seen it work well with her other patients who had ADHD.

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Antidepressants changed my life for the better in significant ways. Been on them for almost 10 years, sober for the last 6. My drinking was negating the effects of the medicine for a couple years.

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Same medication here. But also on duloxetine. Stable with no change in medication in the last 6 years.

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I have been on Effexor for about 20 years and had to add a small amount of Abilify once when I had a bad depressive episode. Good luck, it isnā€™t easy to figure these things out!

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Thank you for taking time to respond, I appreciate that very much :blush:

Iā€™m glad you have found some balance that helps now, thatā€™s alot to go through at a young age too!
Iā€™m proud of you for seeking the help again and that it is helping in most ways.
This gives me hope that maybe just because I have tried so many that things change and it might just be fine this time around.
Itā€™s nice to see you :people_hugging:

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I felt like I writ that ! So many similarities.

Itā€™s escitalopram (lexpraxo) that the drs prescribed this time. I do get prescription of diazapam for anxiety and sleeping tablets prescribed - these are supposed to be short term but with my situation that caused the cptsd itā€™s been like over 2 yrs I think. And tbh ā€¦ unless the doses is upped I donā€™t think they are helping at all anymore. If anything probably contributing to confusion etcā€¦

Putting :arrow_up: into words like this helps to see this differently. Thank you :people_hugging:
I also had all the test for peri menopausal as I thought it could be that triggered early. It isnā€™t.

This :arrow_up: I feel this alot.

Iā€™m glad to know your doing better too and thank you for taking time to reply and read it means alot :people_hugging:

:sunflower:

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Thank you :pray: all for taking time to share this personal part of yourselves with me. It means alot :people_hugging:

@Starlight14 Thank you and hugs and love back to you too :people_hugging::sunflower: Itā€™s really helpful to read how it has helped everyone. As when researching I tend to notice all the negatives.

@Mno Thank you too and hugs :people_hugging::hugs:

This :arrow_up: is what my Dr said too. That the medication wonā€™t be like magic and take everything away but it will help me begin to take the steps to change and manage life.

Thank you for your reply :purple_heart::sunflower:

@Matt Thatā€™s very good that it also helps with the ADHD, itā€™s nice to hear how medicine has helped so many. It gives me hope. Thank you also for taking time to respond I appreciate that :hugs::pray:

@KeepMovingForward

I hadnā€™t taken this in to consideration. For a year this was most likely not helping me at one point too.
Itā€™s nice to read how much it has helped you.
Thank you for taking time to reply :hugs:

@Bluekoolaid Well I am so pleased to see you here :muscle: I have missed you friend :people_hugging:
Iā€™m glad you didnā€™t give up! And glad you have found a medicine that helps.
Thank you for your kind words and encouragement it means alot to me. Iā€™m so glad to see you :star:

@Kareness Thank you also for taking time to share this :people_hugging: I think I need to just take the plunge. To be honest if I donā€™t do something, something is going to do me in the end because itā€™s at that point.

To you all thank you for sharing all of this here with me. Itā€™s just what I needed to hear how it has helped so many of you. It isnā€™t the stigma around medication for me. Itā€™s more I have tried and gave up and shutting down the help due to previous experience when things are different now.

Much love to you all :purple_heart::pray::sunflower:

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decision made to give myself a chance and go for it. :hugs: Thank you all for sharing your experiences I appreciate it with my heart :purple_heart:

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We will be here for u Twiz :heart:

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:people_hugging:Thank you.
I never know in a few weeks things might be a bit lighter for me. If not il deal with it at the time.

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I can certainly relate. Ive tried so many. Abilify for mood stability. Prozac, this that idk you name it. Finally ive been put on Cymbalta and its literally been a life saver, i had the same feelings as you. And at first i did hate some of the side effects but they did go away and yeah now its definitely helped my depression and everything.

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Rooting for u xx

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