Scared to tell my friend I'm quitting TW: trauma, self harm

[grandr]

I decided on sobriety after a week of binging that culminated on me blacking out hanging out with a friend and having a really tough shame spiral the next morning.

I have known this friend for about 4 years, and I think I've mostly kept my alcoholism under wraps. There have been maybe 3-4 times where I've come even near the state I found myself this Saturday, and even those, while being messy, I can remember my emotional drunken breakdowns and mostly could pull away before losing control.

We haven't talked about Saturday other than them telling me to stop projecting, we're okay, to calm down before heading out to spend the day with their mom, and bringing it up again on Sunday night to inform me that if this happened again, they'd dip out because I get really bad way in the aftermath, and they think it'll spare me the feeling of shame and humiliation in exchange for me feeling maybe a little bummed that they dipped.

The Sunday conversation was.. tough. It was short, I did my most to validate their feelings because admittedly my spirals are BAD and I can see that this boundary was drawn out of love and care. I refuse to let my rejection and abandonment traumas take it and twist it into something ugly.

That sentiment got stuck with me, though. I loathe to think that they feel like they've got to somehow be on the lookout for my slippery slope, that it's somehow their responsibility to predict my loss of control and mitigate the aftermath. My loss of control was a jarring lapse of judgment that I had been, in hindsight, been careening towards through daily binge drinking, and finally crashing made me so incredibly aware how little I want to do this to myself or my loved ones.

The decision of sobriety came with a soul-shattering clarity due to how they talked to me around my drinking issue. I’m done making excuses for my own poor behavior, thinking that my mental illness gives me the pass to dress up self harm as “coping”. I’m tired of exposing people to my self sabotage while feeling sorry for myself and only feeding the trauma that made me act out in the first place.

And I know I need to talk to them about how our last conversation made me feel. I want to let them know that I'm never drinking in their presence again since I can't trust myself with it. It was once and done.
My fears are only a couple, but they've had me in a chokehold the past couple of days.
The first is that I'm afraid that they simply won't believe me. I don't know what I would even say if they told me they don't think it's reasonable for me to say that I'll do my best not to drink anymore, that I can't be trusted to control it, or that my resolve now implies that Saturday was an even bigger failure on my part.

Second is that I'm already scared of relapse. I'm scared to tell them that I'm even trying because I don't want to disappoint them if things get bad again and I slip, or if they out of hand believe that relapse is unavoidable in my case.

I find my emotions highly irrational, my friend has never been cruel or contemptuous towards me or my recovery journey even when I've gone backwards on progress or negatively impacted our friendship with my behavior, but I can't shake these fears. It makes me sick to my stomach to think that they would expect me to fail due to some kind of weakness they perceive in me.

[Flipper88]

Between your 2 posts that I have read it sounds like you are 3/4ths of the way to admitting to your self you are an alcoholic.Most people seem to go through this stage. You know there is a problem but either are too proud or fear the embarrassment to fully accept it.

Sounds to me like this friend cares a lot about you, the proof is they are still there. If they are someone you want to still around then you are going to have to be honest with them. Use them as motivation to stay sober. Almost none of us are able to do this alone. Having someone to hold you accountable is a huge part of sobriety. Some of turn to AA/sponsors, some to church and some to family. Open up to someone whether it be this friend or not.

I can almost guarantee that the people who care for know you are an alcoholic, they are just waiting for you to accept it All your fears of what people will think about you if you admit it are almost certainly unwarranted because chances are they already know. Its just a matter of you accepting and letting you insecurities go.

I do not say this to scare people but it is a fact. If we continue to do the same thing we have been doing with our addictions it will win, and its way of winning is putting us in the ground. You are in a war and you are fighting for your future, your potential and everything good currently in your life as well and all the good that can be in your life going forward. But no one man has ever one a war by himself. Lean on others when you can.

[RosaCanDo]

This was a heartfelt sharing showing a lot of introspection, which in my opinion is always a helpful process. My only comment would be to suggest that words mean less than evidence through action. Your fear of making promises you don’t end up keeping is actually a worthwhile fear. Why not just focus on your sobriety and recovery, put your heart and soul into it, and make them believe by showing them you’re really doing it? You’ve had the hard conversation about what happened. You can move on from here without saying much more other than “I’m not drinking.” If they question that, or your plans or for how long, etc., it has always helped me to say, “I’m not drinking today.” Today is, in fact, the most important day because it’s the day you have control over. I wish you the best on your journey and encourage you to spend time reading others’ stories here. There is so much to learn, and lots to learn from in this community.