Hi Aura, I’m Matt - nice to meet you! I’ve been reading your posts these last few weeks and I appreciate your determination and your constructive outlook. Life is not easy and it is often complex, but keeping a constructive outlook is what helps you move forward.
The constructive, determined, persistent outlook is what tells me you will succeed in this.
Addiction to porn / PMO is increasingly common, as porn permeates more and more of people’s online lives. It is easy to find and it is designed to keep you thinking about it, it’s designed to “entice” you to come back.
Addiction to porn is roughly equal for a range of genders, including women and men, though many women feel restricted in disclosing it and asking for help, because of (sexist and false) expectations and double-standards for women.
There are a range of supports for working through this. For me, the time my recovery really started to move forward is when I joined a recovery group at a sex addiction recovery clinic in my city (porn addiction and sex addiction are very similar: both are about fantasies and escape / life-avoidance through physical pleasure, totally separated from any healthy human emotional intimacy [which is the foundation of fulfilling physical intimacy]; and both are exploitative and non-fulfilling). We studied “Facing the Shadow” by Patrick Carnes. The cases in that book include both women and men; I’m sure you’d find it helpful. (I recommend working through that book with a therapist who is trained in sex addiction recovery. Not all of them are.)
Neal posted some links to a wide range of recovery support groups for these addictions:
The EverAccountable service is helpful. I use it to give me an extra step, an extra hurdle, to give me time to think. It helps if you get someone else to set the password, so you don’t know it:
Porn, like all addictions, is about avoidance. I encourage you, if you can, to find a therapist who’s familiar with sex addictions, to help you process this. If you can’t get a therapist then a recovery group works too.