I guess this needs to be said somewhere somehow. My life has been a mess and not entirely of my own making. The past year has been riddled with death depression and divorce. And last but not least alcohol.
I keep quitting and relapsing like I’m on some kind of insane loop. Everytime an obstacle comes round , substantial though they might be I reach for the wine. And I don’t drink normal amounts unfortunately I binge for days sometimes. I can’t seem to get a handle on my life. I read the big book in 2days from Sunday to Monday fresh off a binge and I found hope there. I so want to make sober life work but I’m at my wits end emotionally and physically (I just had surgery myself a benign tumor).
I can’t help replaying all my mistakes in my head. The time I drove drunk (nothing happened but it could have). The times I turned up to work drunk (I work from home and maybe someone could tell maybe they couldn’t). All the horrible ways I put the life I have worked so hard for in jeopardy. How I can see people around me losing respect for me of they already haven’t. How many times am I going to nearly miss blowing up my entire life. I am so frustrated I’m in tears and I feel so hopeless. I have so many secrets so many things I have spent years hiding. Suicidal thoughts, destructive behavior, pain , trauma and now only recently (the past 3 years) the drink.
I know that I am supposed to take things one day at a time I know I am supposed to be kind to myself and not wallow in self pity, but my mind is spinning with all the mess I’ve made. And how on God’s green earth I am going to clean this up. How do I let go of the guilt and shame. How do I fess up to the mistakes how can I possibly forgive myself for some of the things I did. If I told you the worst things I did you’d probably laugh but the way they compromised my integrity and demeaned my own self worth are painful to me.
I have been sober for 5 days and it’s been a hell of a ride. But at least now I’m telling my truth.
The basic definition of insane is repeating the same behaviour expecting a different outcome to occur. This is the cycle of addiction.
For me, I was my own worst critic. My villian. My own abuser. Etc. The only person I feel comfortable sharing the horrid details with is my counsellor, and working up to going through that with my wife. I had to let go of my thinking that I was the only person alive to have ever done anything like I did, but that was my mind really working hard to isolate me and keep me in the cycle. Being honest, vulnerable, and accepting of the outcome regardless of whether I like it, or am prepared for it is the only thing that has taken that weight off my shoulders.
I survived for many years on my own without others or my DOC. I am rest assured that I can do it again.
I thought I’d never forgive myself, and I’d never be able to live a normal life again.
It took more than a couple decades to figure out how, but I’m doing it.
Thank you for sharing. I know this is addction. The rational part of my mind is telling me this is insanity. I do not believe however I am the only person alive to make stupid mistakes, I know I’m not I just don’t know how to let go of the self hate. The disgust I feel towards myself. At being less than perfect I guess. I feel at war with myself and I’m just so tired of being this person. Any advice you could give me would be greatly appreciated.
It took me seeing a counsellor, talking to my doctor and going to school and learning about the human body and mind for me to forgive myself. I also had to begin a diary and gratitude list.
In the end sticking to recovery and using every support and resource I had available allowed me to find it release it’s hold eventually.
It is hard to face the things we did drunk. They are so far from the person we believe we are really. But we did do them, and we must accept it. For me, working the steps really helped. It helped me see where my character defects were, and why they were there, which helped me have compassion for myself. It also allowed me to see my part, and begin to make amends. Btw, amends are as much for yourself as the other person. And the best amends are changed behaviour. From now be a careful and considerate driver. Work hard at your job. Support your colleagues.
Ok…ive been where you are…the self loathing and hating myself for the things i did when drunk would eat me whole…when i finally got sober i had to push that aside…you have to because if you dont it will stop you getting sober and keep you in your addiction…its all part of this crafty disease…i think i thought back then that the more i could berate and hate myself that it would somehow absolve me of all the bad things id done but actually it just dragged me down further…what i really needed was some compassion for myself…why would you hate yourself? Yes youve done bad things but life is hard…youve had some really hard things to deal with… you wont be the first or the last to try to escape down the bottle, lose control and do things you would never do sober…that person is poorly and needs compassion and support not persecution…
…so if you want to get sober dont make it harder for yourself…accept that your human, have made mistakes but deserve a better life…from now you draw a line in the sand and make sobriety your top priority…your biggest focus…everything and anyone that threatens that is out for now and you start being kind to yourself to give yourself the best chance at doing this, be here daily and ask for support because you will get it, we all understand here, you dont have to do this alone infact i advise that you dont…we as addicts need each other. You dont have to be another statistic you can be a success story.
First of all: congratulations on your 5 days! That is huge!!!
And welcome back to the community.
Yes, you should be kind to yourself and take it one day at a time. But no one said you should do it alone. Ask for help, accept support. Here on the forum, at AA or any of the other support groups or from your family and friends. And most of all, accept their kindness towards you and it will get easier to show kindness to yourself.
I wish you all the best and hope to see you around
Updates. Thank you for all the solid advice please keep it coming. I’m loving it. I’m feeling much better and my day 5 was actually day day 7. According to the clock which may explain the dire mood. Isn’t that where you have no more alcohol in your system… So day 10 now and I attended my first AA meeting ever on Friday. Though scared shitless I spoke it was good. I’m happy I did it. Thank you again ,. It’s a long road ahead and I’m still not sure but I’m gonna get there.
. It’s a long road ahead and I’m still not sure but I’m gonna get there.