Seeking wisdom: Codependency

Life in Recovery
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Hi everyone,

I learn so much from all of you everyday!

I have read through the other threads for recovering codependents on this forum. So far, I have not seen one that addresses the challenge I’m currently trying to tackle: rumination related to shame.

I recently made a mistake at my job that affected some people negatively. While I took steps to quickly resolve the issue and received positive feedback for doing so, I noticed that I continue to hold on to the mistake…thinking about what I could have done differently, shaming myself for not doing it right the first time—things like that.

My higher self knows that making mistakes is a part of life. Many people would have made the same mistake. I am trying to pay attention to the feelings that arise around this mistake. I am trying to let go and move on.

My pattern, however, is to ruminate. And sometimes that negative thinking runs for a while before I notice and catch it. Awful feelings arise (related to shame and self-blame) and I know that this shame could threaten my sobriety.

I also read something the other day that made me realize that I need to get serious about breaking this pattern:

Research by Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor–When a person has a reaction to something in their environment,” she says, “there’s a 90-second chemical process that happens in the body; after that, any remaining emotional response is just the person choosing to stay in that emotional loop.”

“Something happens in the external world, and chemicals are flushed through your body which puts it on full alert. For those chemicals to totally flush out of the body, it takes less than 90 seconds. This means that for 90 seconds you can watch the process happening, you can feel it happening, and then you can watch it go away.”

“After that, if you continue to feel fear, anger, and so on, you need to look at the thoughts that you’re thinking that are re-stimulating the circuitry that is resulting in you having this physiological reaction, over and over again.”

I have been working on this pattern for a while now and wondered if anyone else here struggles with rumination related to perfectionism/codependency, and if so, how you tend to deal with it. It’s exhausting to experience that unnecessary chemical reaction over and over.

:cherry_blossom: I might need to reread Brene Brown.

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:raising_hand_woman:t2: Hi! Recovering codependent/perfectionist here! I struggle with rumination big time, even over things long in the past. It’s absolutely a trigger for shame spirals. I think Brené Brown is a good start, I have been listening to her podcast lately after reading a few of her books years ago and it’s always enlightening, but I’m there with you and may want to reread a book or two. I’m starting to work on some of this in therapy (I’m very new to therapy) and have started with looking at my journaling for cognitive errors and distortions of reality. CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) offers some good tools for how to address thinking errors and emotional responses, but it’s been a long time since I’ve learned about this, too, so if I find anything that is helping I’ll be sure to share. You might just do a quick Google search on that last bit, though. Thanks for sharing, it’s always helpful to know we aren’t alone in these struggles.

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Thanks for letting me know I’m not alone in this. It helps me to know that I’m not unique. I think a crucial part of overcoming perfectionism is really “getting” that we are just like everyone else :blush:

Thank you for the recommendations! I do have a great therapist who recommended I join an inner critic group. That was really helpful and I think I may need to return to those materials. Dealing with the pandemic has set me back a bit in terms of mental health—small things feel much more overwhelming than they ever did before.

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Nice! That sounds like you have a place to start. Check out this post from this morning from @Fargesia_murielae. It helped me to think about some of that inner critic stuff.

Daily self-compassion

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So funny! That thread is what prompted me to post. :tea:

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And what prompted me to reply because I was thinking about the same thing! Ha!

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@OolongJones I love your screen name btw!

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Thank you! A little leftover trekkie :vulcan_salute:

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Hey @OolongJones! I don’t believe we’ve met, but welcome!

I’m in al-anon. I grew up with the adult child of an alcoholic (mom) and the likely adult child of a sex addict (dad). Needless to say, constant judgment and criticism were so much a part of everyday life that I have it mixed up so closely with love that I used to feel it was necessary to offer hurtful truths to help others.

I’m a perfectionist. It’s right up there as one of my greatest defects. Above all, I am the worst offender against myself. Letting go of the perfect recovery has been the biggest hurdles for me.

I am a sex addict too and I have worked the 12-steps of the big book of AA with a sponsor in SAA. Luckily my sponsor is also in al-anon. So I got to double dip when I worked the steps. So, there may be some relief for you in CODA or Al-Anon if you haven’t considered it.

When I am into those ruminating thoughts I now have the ability to realize that it’s my stinking thinkin’ and I’m being dishonest because my perceptions are clouded. So instead of thinking, the big book tells us to take an inventory of the situation, talk to another human being about it and then immediately turn our thoughts to helping others. That can take many forms. Cooking dinner, volunteering, sharing in a meeting, calling someone who I haven’t heard from in a while, etc.

Here to talk if you need resources!

Much love!

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Great to meet you, Mitch!

Thank you so much for sharing. Like you, I am also the adult child of an alcoholic who was tasked with the responsibility of raising my siblings from age 11 on (my father passed away). Like most ACOA, I adapted in unhealthy ways. Boy, do I hear you about the constant criticism!

I am just starting Recovery Dharma and they do have special meetings for those in recovery from codependency. You are helping me to realize that I need to take my codependency more seriously—just as seriously as I take my addiction to alcohol. When I think about it, my codependency has actually harmed me and others more than my alcohol abuse.

For example, it surprised people (even my partner) when I told them I was an alcoholic. It surprises no one when I tell them I am recovering from codependency.

Thank you again for sharing your experience!

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It’s the same for me. This was a realization I’ve come to in the last month. When I stopped acting out, my focus went to managing my loved ones so that they were perfect. Now that I was sober it was time to focus on their problems. I felt like I was protecting them from the mistakes that I made by calling out every little behavior that was “unhealthy.” Especially towards my son, I didn’t want him to turn out like me.

I just became a nag and a killjoy to a greater degree than I already was. And looking back, I did love shoving other people’s defects in their face.

I had to recognize that I have no power over others. But dammit if I didn’t try. I tried to control how others perceived me, I tried to save people or fix them, I tried to validate myself by being a know it all.

It was a huge burden lifted when I realized how much energy I was wasting chasing around problems that I straight up couldn’t solve. I have started to learn very recently how to actually support others while recognizing what’s out of my hands.

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So well said!

My major vice is “helping” people. So I now treat minding my own business like it’s a full time job :rofl:

My codependent reactions are freezing and fawning. Unfortunately, fawning is often seen as just “being nice” and people will rarely call me out on it. That pattern is a lot of work to overcome.

It looks like you had some major revelations and were able to shift the ways you were interacting with your family members. That’s so great! Insight in action!

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Yeah that fawning is part of how I tried to control other people’s perception. I didn’t want to be disagreeable. At least not to their face :roll_eyes:
Still learning to draw those boundaries. That’s a daily thing and takes so many forms. We do have to advocate for ourselves without being critical. That feels like shooting the moon for me sometimes.

Thanks for the lovely chat!

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For me, freedom from this universal problem only starts to come when i can genuinely beleive that my behaviour is that of a “good person”.

Having come from a lifetime of doing shitty things to people, it takes time. But eventually i have been able to find some separation from the person i once was and the person I am now.

Deep down we all feel fundamentally flawed, but ultimately there is no “I”…just a bunch of positive and negative behaviours passed from once person to the next.

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