This is a long winded request for wisdom as I attend to forgive myself, something I lack the prior ability to do but must learn if I want my life to be my own life…
So, I finally LISTENED, I’m starting to really understand why we’re here being sober, and why it’s so important to really listen, pay attention and do the work ourselves. I kind of get why it’s so important to make the choice myself. There’s a big thing I did 4 years ago that was fucked up, but my husband stood by me and forgave me for it, but I chose to keep myself imprisoned in guilt and self-loathing. This has stunted my grown and actual change in some ways for a while, me obsessing more over what was done and whether or not he’d still be happy with me, etc., etc.; lots of self loathing and not forgiving. Today was one of a lot of similar discussions, but it led to something different. It led to me somehow being, and forgive me for the metaphor I’m about to use, “pulled out of the self-centered matrix”. Realizing the gravity of damage caused by not putting effort into self-forgiveness FIRST and just worrying, worrying, worrying about others opinions, offending my husband etc. Basically just have been chasing my tail for a long time. Something clicked. I am responsible for and can control my responses to this fear (which is irrational at this point bc he has forgiven many times over) and I am responsible for the healing process. I’m also able to actually MAKE the progress I want, if I really am ready to pull my head out of my ass, stop crying about it, and do the work. I want to move on with my life. I can’t live every day 3.5 years in the past, it’s fucking exhausting, and I have to accept that even though I did what I did, I am not that person anymore and if I want to leave that behind I have to only live in right now. My anxiety will not be my master, my fears will not keep me prisoner.
So, that leads to why I’m writing this. I forgave myself, I’m going to keep doing it and allowing myself to do it every time I start to try regurgitating the guilt, but out here in the open, as I’m living clear headed, actually facing the drawn out consequences of ignoring my emotions for so long, it’s still a little scary. I don’t want to go back. I have to pay attention to my thoughts very carefully… So does anyone else here have advice/insight/coping skills I can use to truly get to that place called “I forgive myself and am going forward” I want it, I want to do the work, I just would like any insight from those who may have had to let huge personal bad decisions finally go…
Thanks in advance