Anyone else feel like they specifically falter when life is going perfect? My life has been twists and turns for 6-7mos, finally leveling out the last few weeks. Something within me just can’t accept it though, and has to create problems. I just lost my streak, and I’ve lost any sense of self respect. I’m tired of making promises to God that I fail to keep. I hate myself for bringing risk upon my family with the choices I make. I’m just tired y’all. I want to channel my disappointment into a restart because I hate the low I feel right now, but I hate myself so much I feel I don’t deserve it.
I feel like I only succeed when I’m loving myself, but I feel so freaking unlovable right now.
Yes i can identify with this alot…i feel like i stems from my unhappy childhood which often was chaotic and became my normal…im not a psychologist but i think your brain adjusts to having big ups and downs and so there becomes a comfort in that routine even though its negative if that makes sense? I feel its more about being aware of why you would feel that way rather than trying to get rid of it or feeling like its wrong in some way…
I relate as well, when things are going well it’s a whirlwind of thoughts. “Do I deserve it, am I a fraud, when will something inevitably go wrong” ect. I brace for impact and inturn sorta self sabotage. Even when drugs weren’t/aren’t involved, it seems it was a cycle. It takes a bit to truly trust God’s plan. Have unwavering faith and allow yourself to ride the wave of life
I feel the same way, I haven’t used in almost a year but it’s almost like there is no point in being alive if I’m not happy. I want to relapse just to feel something I just keep telling myself it’s gonna get better. I am certain about one thing tho, God is not mad at you, He created you I read psalm 139 when I get to feeling like what you just experienced. Just try again until you get to where you want to be.
What’s ironic is that the mind has tricked you in two ways:
1.) the numbness is a defense mechanism to avoid feeling deep, complex, and big feelings;
2.) drugs are a defense mechanism to avoid feeling those feelings by distracting ourselves with a new one.
Being able to feel and process your feelings sober, in bite sized chunks, and on your terms, is possible! I promise. With the right therapist, miracles happen!
Sitting with a nice, calm life can be uncomfortable and triggering for a drama used addict brain. It’s not uncommon that people self-sabotage into drama / addiction again.
Appreciating a nice, calm life with routines and a balance must be (re)learned.
My personal experience is: Sit with it, practice gratitude, deliberately slow down when the mimimi brain wants to go into overdrive, HALT, journaling, meditation and again sit with it to get accustomed to “this is my normal now!” (I tend to tell any self-sabotage impulses to fuck off and go to hell, my life, my rules, no self-sabotage, we don’t do this anymore)
yeah, I have been clean and sober for a while. I recently made some huge changes in my life for the better and I have battled with those thoughts a lot as this venture has unfolded.
Feeling like the rug will get pulled out from under me, like im not worthy, and some self sabotage fantasies. Working harder on my recovery has helped me get to the other side.
I am currently getting settled into my new life and it feels wonderful!
Self sabotage is real. For some people it’s a way of controlling when things go wrong. I was a master of this. If things are going well I expected something bad to happen and my toxic mindset led me to create that issue so I had the illusion of control over it. It’s a hard cycle to break but it can be broken. Stay strong my friend.
