I slipped up, and ended up getting high after almost 2 months without heroin… Now I feel like I’m dying again, to once again get clean and sober… I really hate myself most of the time, now more than ever tbh. I apologize 
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What you hate here, is how you’re being non-human: you hate the neglect and starvation of your whole human self. All of us have been through that, in our addictions; all of us have lived years, sometimes decades, isolating and escaping through our drugs and behaviours.
You still have a choice. You always have a choice. Every 24 hours you have a choice.
There’s a simple rule I use that I find helpful: you have permission to do anything that’s safe and legal, to stay sober.
Can’t make it to your appointment on time because you had to pull over and call your sponsor? No problem.
Eating cake for dinner? A-OK.
Cancel or change plans? Fine.
Borrow money (with permission) to go to rehab? Fine.
Ask for any reasonable help? Of course!
Ride rollercoasters all day? Yep.
Etc etc.
Hit up a meeting www.NA.org and consider some rehab: www.FindTreatment.gov. Don’t give up. Take it one day at a time.
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You came back don’t apologize stay connected if you need some straight forward no bullshit advice message me brother. You are not alone. It’s a new day get out of self and get to work taking you’re life back you are worth it.
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Thanks you. Your perspective gives me quite a bit to think on. Thanks you bud
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My pleasure. We’re all human. We need support and we need to reach out and connect and be present with ourselves and our uncertainty.
Addiction is isolating and being alone. Health - which includes sobriety and recovery - is about healthy connections with people, and healthy habits (which we never learned when we were in addiction; we learn these habits in recovery programs and rehab).
Take care and don’t give up.
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My entire life has been isolating tbh. Other than my daughters of course. Thank you man
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I get it. That was me too. I’ve spent 3-4 years now consciously cultivating friendships. It takes time but now I’ve got friendships - from my recovery groups and other places - that are getting deeper and deeper.
Even the first meeting is good though. Just connecting over some shared thing, even over the coffee or helping put out napkins - something about that is a meaningful human connection, and it’s the start of something.
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My issue is I have SEVERE social Anxiety…
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That’s partly created and certainly made worse by the addiction. There may also be a psychiatric element. Either way it means two things:
- Find a way to attend a group that works for you. (For example, online: https://virtual-na.org/)
- Speak with your doctor about a referral to get a psychiatric assessment.
Oh I had the anxiety years a decade before I ever used a drug or alcohol unfortunately. That and the depression I’ve had since I was a child.
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Sounds like a medical/psychiatric visit is in order. I spoke with my GP about my moods and thoughts and she started me on bupropion (Wellbutrin). It has been very helpful for me.
Antidepressant medications are not addictive, so you’re good there. Medication is just technology. We use technologies all the time. You use your car to drive around, because that’s how you get around; you use your phone to call and text, because that’s how you keep in touch. (You use spoons to eat, because it’s cleaner than your hands. A spoon is technology.)
You use the technology of medication to get around with your body operating properly. (No one questions diabetics taking insulin - which they need to live and function - so why should anyone question taking a medication that makes your brain live and function?)
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To add to this: there are several highly effective psychological treatments for anxiety, including exposure therapy and mindfulness practice, which are also things you should look into & speak with a counsellor about.
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Like HELL, which day 2 is starting as well
I believe if you stay sober after awhile you won’t hate yourself, you’ll value yourself
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I did a lot of bad things when I was drinking and there’s one thing I did I still regret, but I don’t have to drink over it anymore
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You won’t hate yourself eventually