My story started 3.5 years ago. I was out of control but couldnt see it. I was drinking every day. Some days 2-4 beers other days 6-8. Most days were 6-8 or more. When I drink I cannot seem to tell the difference between a buzz and know that it is time to stop, and being so shit faced I cannot walk. So I would usually binge drink till I was so shit faced I finally passed out. I was a closet drinker, I always drank by myself and hid it from everyone. I knew I drank too much and I didnt want anyone to know just how much I was drinking. If I woke up with a hangover, (which I didnt very often, I was so used to drinking a lot) I would just drink a beer right from the get go and would be feeling better in no time.
So 3.5 years ago my husband gave me an ultimatum, go to rehab or he was leaving me. I was on a plane 2 days later for a rehab facility. I was sober for 13 months. I relapsed, my husband gave me an ultimatum again. I got sober again. I didnt go to rehab but I got sober on my own. So here we are again, and I relapsed again, and he is telling me again “get sober or I am leaving”
Why the fuck do I keep self sabatoging my life?
My life is good, we have worked really hard to get where we are, we get through the shit and when things start to get really good I go and do something so incredibly stupid, like relapse. I mean WTF, why?
I really dont want him to leave, but if I dont want him to leave why do I keep testing it? I dont believe he is enabling me, because I know if I dont get sober he will leave. He did leave with my first relapse and it took a shit ton of work and proving myself to get him back.
Any insight would be greatly appreciated. I feel like there has to be others out there that have done this same thing, and how did you break this cycle?
tia
Welcome to the TS forum Tia, we’re glad to have you here with us.
I faced the same ultimatum, get clean or we’re gone (wife and my two girls). Initially I played the game but realized that if I didn’t do it for myself I’d never stay clean. I realized that I was going to remain sober once I left rehab whether my family stayed or not. It was at that moment my recovery started. Ultimately you have to want to quit for yourself and not your husband. Since you’ve already been to treatment once, you have the basic tools to get started again. One thing you should never do is crave alone. If you have cravings, come here and post. Have you gone to AA? If not, fund a meeting and go. Talk to the women there. Introduce yourself as a newcomer and get a phone list. Once you do, use it. There’s plenty of sober women here that you can correspond with via private message, that way you can air your frustrations and cravings without airing your dirty laundry to everyone. Always remember, NEVER CRAVE ALONE.