I have been sober multiple times but have relapsed multiple times. I still am surprised Everytime I get high again. How did I get to this point? I ask myself. I always am doing the best I ever did when I relapse. My life is grand no reason for me to numb anything. This time I was working as a behavior technician at a drug treatment so I was definitely in my “dream” field . I had signed up to college so I could continue my chemical dependency counseling position. I had all three of my children under my roof. I paid my bills. Drove a decent car. I had a cleaning business with my sister. Always had money in my pocket. I had two beautiful dogs. I looked damn good. Perfect weight. Great complexion. Amber got her groove back instead of Stella got her groove back! I miss all that so bad. But I threw it away so easily. I knew the results of shooting that dope. I knew my life would crumble but I still chose to do it. It’s only just now I realized I always relapse when life is at its best. Embarrassed to say but my triggers are me doing good. So what am I to do always struggle, never let myself start doing good. I am a cancer I love nurturing and helping others that I love succeed. Therefore I plan on seeing myself as not me, someone else that I care for, the little girl I never had. I’m gonna be a cheerleader for that little girl of mine, correct her with love and guide her with love. I want my children to have the best, experience the greatest, and love the most as weird as it may sound I’m gonna do that with me. I am the daughter I never had. I love me and want me to have a happy fulfilled life.no longer willi self- sabotage because no mother would sabotage their daughters success in life their daughters happiness.No more self-sabotager here.
Welcome Amber! 
Glad to hear you see the pattern to your relapses and are working on the changes necessary to succeed in recovery.
I can relate somewhat to your post. My addiction to cocaine started with celebrating my successes. I’d purchase a new home and celebrate with an 8 ball, I’d get a new car and celebrate. I’d get a promotion and celebrate. I’d purchase another house on the beach and celebrate. Then those celebrations turned into daily use and slowly I started losing everything I worked so hard to get, but that didn’t stop me. Addiction had taken over my thoughts and dreams. I’m grateful I found recovery before losing it all. Came very close though.
Now that I know what success does to me, I have to stay vigilant. I’m no where near to having all that stuff I lost but I can easily lose what I have regained in a heartbeat. What helps me is going to 12 step meetings and sharing where I’m at. When I talk about it, it gives me a form of accountability. If I don’t speak up, it’s like bringing a knife to a gun fight, I’ll lose every time. Learning to celebrate in healthy ways is a game changer.
Wishing you the best on your journey.