“HEALTHY BOUNDARIES allow you to: Have high self-esteem and self-respect . Share personal information gradually, in a mutually sharing and trusting relationship. Protect physical and emotional space from intrusion.”
I noticed through my active addiction, relapses, etc. That setting boundaries has been a huge issue for me.
I thought it would be nice if we shared some of our boundaries to maybe help others with a little inspiration. Sometimes someone will be speaking about a boundary and in my head I will think to myself, “Huh, never knew I could set that sort of boundary, my life would be much more comfortable if I enforced that.”
Some of my boundaries are…
• No alcohol/drug use or intoxication in my house.
• No calling me out of my name/talking down to me/disrespect.
• I don’t (at this point) want to hear drug related stories, even if someone thinks it’s “funny”.
Those are amazing boundaries that uv set I too had very little sense of boundaries in addiction. I really didn’t even know what a boundary was to be honest until I learned it is basically lines we draw for ourselves in terms of our level of comfort around others. Sort of the things I will allow. In the problem I had no voice unless it came to certain things in my life. But I allowed alot to happen that I was not okay with. Today my boundaries that I’ve developed are alot around relationship stuff and boundaries I’ve created for myself (things I will and will not allow myself to do):
Boundaries in Relationships
No cheating or abuse (I won’t tolerate that where as before I did)
No violence or drugs in my home
I won’t allow stealing
I don’t allow disrespect of my family memebers
Boundaries for my personal self
I dont participate in gossip
I don’t answer my phone after 9pm
I don’t do drugs or alcohol
I don’t need to explain myself when I say “no”.
No impulse buying
No sex if I don’t feel up to it (this is me communicating that I am not feeling up to it. It’s tricky bcuz of my past in the sex trade I have issues around me not being truthful about what I do and don’t accept anymore… this is something that’s very hard for me and my hubby is very supportive)
Physical boundaries
No intentional touching from strangers or “cat-calling”
Personal space is a must
I want to be asked before being hugged or touched by someone outside my regular circle of friends/family
Emotional Boundaries
I won’t allow someone to tell me how to feel
I can’t think of anything else. I have alot of boundaries set for myself from what I see here. It’s a learning thing in progress. But I do know that what we accept (or put up with) in our lives, pretty much sends a signal to others of how we view ourselves and what we will accept.
With my abusive ex, I accepted alot that I really shouldnt have. And then when I tried to set boundaries and told him that I won’t put up with this anymore, I unfortunately would keep giving in and go back on these boundaries I set. All this did, was show him that I will continue to accept his behavior. The only time it was truly effective, was when I found my voice and my courage, told him i wasn’t going to accept it any further, and charged him after a very scary night. Since then I set boundaries and I stick to them and I’m firm with them. These are my rules for me and anyone who is worth being around, will respect them
This is something I struggled with I had to set boundaries in therapy last year, and as good as it went some of it went really bad
I’m a people pleaser, so I try to make everyone else happy, and it leaves me overextended unhappy, and often burned out, I get talked into situations I don’t want to be in, and then I can’t do what I want to do cause I ran out of time dealing with everyone else’s shit.
Relationships this is a big struggle factor to me, Especially when it comes to the balance, i need me time, I spent years raising my kids, put my passions on hold, for someone else so many times. And it leaves me unhappy miserable, and lonely in my own head. I tried it both ways I did a long distance thing for a bit and that was chained to the phone, and video chat 24 hours a day, and then in person she practically moved into my house. It wasn’t very comfortable it made me realize I need to stay single if I want to achieve my goals. But I also have that people pleaser aspect, where I feel so guilty ending something cause I know how shitty it feels, and then I end up miserable in the end anyway no win situation there
@KevinesKay gave me a great book to read, that really does discuss it from a man’s standpoint but provides excellent points, i still need to finish it, cause Yano setting boundaries with me time
We lost touch because I went astray from TS for awhile. Anyways, I’m glad you’re becoming aware of your stuff. I would like to connect with you sometime.
For me, toxic shame is a real killer. And I wasn’t aware of how it was manifesting in my everyday life.
Some things that come to my mind about boundaries are:
Practice honesty. My shame led me to hide my true self; putting on a false lying self to look perfect.
Keep custody of my eyes and mind. Lust and fantasy are expressions of fishing for validation from women rooted in my toxic shame.
Avoid attachments. Attachments are things that I use to impress others. Again, It’s fishing for validation because I fail to find value within myself. Examples of some of my attachments are my wearing clothes that show off my physique and my sobriety.
Avoid perfectionism. I still struggle with this one. Wanting to be such a know-it-all. Creating the perfect response on a post. The behavior is rooted in my toxic shame. Maybe I should just set a five minute timer on myself while I’m making a post? Hmmm.
For me, boundaries are a learning experience. I keep tweaking them & refining them. They evolve as I need them to I also think they evolve in response to other people’s boundaries: I think our own boundaries matter, and as we get clear on those, we have more attention available to focus on the world around us (and the boundaries of various people and groups around us).
For me personally, at the moment:
None of my problem behaviours at all (porn, etc). Nothing good ever comes from it.
Daily checkins with my significant other, sharing our emotions for the day. It can be about each other but more often it’s about life in general. This checkin experience helps me exercise self-awareness, it helps me really understand what I experienced that day and what it might mean. (It’s also been important in saving our marriage, so I want to keep it going.)
Counselling, focused on helping me develop self-awareness so I can make progress on my goals. I have a weekly checkin with a recovery coach and biweekly sessions with a relationship counsellor. I am considering adding a biweekly session w a personal counsellor.
basically, the only way i will hang out with somebody is if alcohol is not involved.
also, i dont put up with arguing conversations anymore. I hang up or walk away.
I so relate to this one. It was one of my “boundaries” when I first wrote down what I want my boundaries to be. However, as I started enforcing my boundaries, I realized that disrespect is not a boundary. It’s a result of lack of boundaries.
Allowing other people to take over ourselves in various situations gives them the approval to treat us badly.
I still struggle with this, but some of my boundaries are:
No overtime in my day job - no exceptions (still working on this!!)
Value my time - this ties into another boundary:
Saying no if it doesn’t suit my schedule (justifyable emergencies excluded)
I don’t need to explain my decisions and actions
Limiting the scope of jokes at my expense I’m willing to accept
Not joking about myself/something I’ve done
Not making decisions/taking actions intended to please others
Value my expertise and not be ashamed to show it (impostor syndrome!!)
I too had very little sense of boundaries in addiction. I really didn’t even know what a boundary was to be honest until I learned it is basically lines we draw for ourselves in terms of our level of comfort around others. Sort of the things I will allow. In the problem I had no voice unless it came to certain things in my life. But I allowed alot to happen that I was not okay with. Today my boundaries that I’ve developed are alot around relationship stuff and boundaries I’ve created for myself (things I will and will not allow myself to do):
I also think they evolve in response to other people’s boundaries: I think our own boundaries matter, and as we get clear on those, we have more attention available to focus on the world around us (and the boundaries of various people and groups around us).