since my earlier days of youth I watched porn and masturbated frequently and it os a behavior that has gotten deeply engrained in me.
from age 20 I started watching camgirls and eventually started visiting massage parlors and escorts. when I got in a relationship 2 years ago I stopped escorts and massage parlors out of respect for my partner but kept camgirls a secret from my girlfriend and justified it as “just porn”. eventually I confessed it to my girlfriend in October and she was devestated.
my desire for my partner and frequency of intimacy has been very lackluster because of my insatiable hunger for variety in women.
I stopped the camgirl habit in October but have struggled to quit porn.
my girlfriend has been very supportive but her self confidence has been shattered as a result of my actions.
I am almost 10 days clean now and feel positive and good about myself.
I am occupying my minf by practicing more guitar and working out more regularly.
my personal goal is not to never enjoy erotica ever again in my life, but I want to feel that I do everything on my own volition and that I am not powerless against urges.
Honestly, there a lot to relate to in your story. Myself, I’m 22, and I’ve struggled with this for 10+ years. I passed 240 recently, and it’s all due to the openness and non-judgemental atmosphere on here. This is a fantastic community, looking forward to seeing more posts from you, and recovering together.
@Mtrav0040@TheJK
Thank you for your encouraging words.
I am very glad that I found this community and hope my story becomes one of motivation and inspiration to others.
Hi @force_of_will, welcome to the community. It’s good to have you here & I’m happy to meet you.
I’m a recovering porn/masturbation addict, and like you my partner was deeply hurt when I confessed. It has been a long road to walk for me but I am starting to see progress after joining a group therapy program at a clinic for sex addicts in my city. I am trying to take it one day at a time, and especially to attend to my emotions, which I’m finding are closely connected to my progress (and in the past, my acting out). I’m at 15 days now - my longest streak in years!
I’m relatively new to Talking Sober but so far I am finding it a wonderfully empathetic and supportive group. I hope you get a similar feel from it too. Looking forward to seeing you around here more in the coming weeks!
We don’t judge each other because that would be the pot calling the kettle black, we are all addicts in some shape or form that’s why we all know the feeling of want. Good post and well done on your days sober.
This is wrote in complete ignorance but drug addicts don’t have the odd hit, alcoholics can’t just have one drink so does a sex addict have to abstain forever because it’s a very natural thing. It must be awful because I could not drink in moderation it would torment me having boundaries.
Welcome to TS! I joined this site about a year and a half ago, and I’ve found lots of wisdom within these walls. I encourage you to read my story as we have alot in common.
I’ll have 7 years sobriety in February, and I’ve added this place to my toolbet to stay sober. Looking forward to getting to know you!
Complete abstinence of any sexual activity would be practiced by some recovering sex addicts. But for those that are in committed relationships, healthy sexuality should be encouraged.
It’s like food addiction. One doesn’t simply stop eating. That’s worse.
Sexual anorexia is discouraged in the fellowships. In fact, there some members of SLAA that are solely there for that purpose.
For me, I’m addicted to various forms of acting out that are isolationistic and devoid of love. Although it feels real good to act out, I recognize that because of the lack of connection, it’s not real sex but a counterfeit.
The real thing is more challenging for me to embrace. It’s more uncomfortable and less intoxicating. I don’t relate much with healthy sex triggering me to act out with the unhealthy.
This is one of the uniquely challenging things about recovering from a sex addiction: if you’re in an ongoing, committed relationship that includes sex, you have to develop a way to engage in sex without slipping into “the bubble” (the pursuit, the chase, the dopamine rush of anticipation that comes from all the hyper-stimulation of porn and escorts and cruising).
Many sex addicts, and sex addiction therapists, find 90 days of celibacy is a useful period. That is doable if you’re in a committed relationship, with a supportive partner, and often many repressed or buried problems come to light, and you can wrangle with them. It’s also a pretty good length of time to “reset” your sexual schema, rediscover what attracts you to your partner (or to normal potential partners), and you can learn healthy intimacy patterns (for example, in the book “Facing the Shadow”, by Patrick Carnes, he describes 12 steps of healthy attraction, intimacy, and commitment).
Many sex addicts have either gotten so tied up in their porn/escort/etc patterns of attraction and intimacy (and have lost touch with healthy patterns), or they never learned, and have to start from scratch.
The good news is it is possible, if you seek support and you’re determined and persistent. Eventually you can rediscover healthy attraction and sexuality, with effort, and you can grow into a healthier way of living.
Hopefully that helps. Let me know if you have any more questions! It actually feels great having a space to talk about it openly.
@Dolse71 that’s a good point. I have not made a hard decision one way or another.
My partner did know that I watched porn (hence why I “justified” the camgirls as porn) but I was not transparent about the frequency.
I do think that such a thing as responsible consumption of erotic material exists. I also think that some pornohraphic material is much more damaging to the user’s life and character than others.
but my problem with it lies in being “controlled” by urges and feeling the compulsion. It is an addiction.
It is of paramount importance to me to have agency and control of my life and the prospect of “having to watch porn” is unacceptable to me.
so my goal right now is to be porn free for a year. I think at that time I will have a better idea of where I will want to take it from there.
It’s really good to see some threads that I can relate to. I’m currently just over a month clean from my SA.
I’ve always used p*** quite infrequently, but struggle to masturbate it.
I’m struggling in particular, cuz I was feeling quite positive about being clean and committing to thoughts but I have found out last week my wife has been s3xting her ex, she clearly has feelings, and we aren’t really intimate and she’s made it clear she doesn’t really find me attractive, My self-esteem, although it doesn’t excuse, it has always been a big motivator for my sa, and I’m worried how I’m going to get through the next few weeks. Any tips?.
I hope you keep up the strength and resilience to maintain your discipline. It won’t be easy, it is as if evolution conspired for us to be gorging on pornography 24/7. It’s like the way we went from being a frequently starving species for millions of years, and then bam we have tons of cheap calories so food disorders emerge in a similar way. I’m also off of pornography and masturbation, at 140 days clean now. I think it is possible, so here’s what seems to work so far: never seek out salacious, erotic material - words, memes, music videos, funny movies with nudity, anything that could give you a rush. If you scroll YouTube and see something sexy, scroll away like it’s a bad job calling in to pick up a shift on a hell day: because that’s what it is, it’s an invitation to dance with the devil. The mantra that works for me is from a song that goes “When the devil asks to dance, you better say never because a dance with the devil might last you forever”. That’s what I see relapses as, a dance that goes on forever. Make sure you have something real, defined, and good to run towards. Running away from hell is a start, but you need something to run towards to be properly set up for real, permanent changes in behavior. Good luck, I think you’re already ahead of the game being honest with your partner. You definitely don’t want to go through that multiple times. Best wishes.
Edit: did not realize the thread is 4 years old. If you’re still around Dan, I hope you made it!
That’s always been something i have to constantly fight: youtube searches or thumbnails. I just have to stay off youtube all together, for it, it’s just not safe. I have to hate porn to stay away. I’m coming up on 100 days, but i struggled with vids on youtube this weekend, not necessarily porn, but enough to really bother my conscience. I want to be clean and free forever, so i just have to revise my plan.
I understand the the idea the you have to hate porn, but I don’t really know if that’s going to work or if it’s possible imo. Like, McDonald’s, as bad as it is for my health, tastes good but I just decide I will never eat it no matter how good it smells when I drive by no matter how hungry I am. I don’t really hate McDonald’s though, I’m not really sure how to summon or utilize that to my advantage you know. I do think pornography is a scourge though, like the tobacco industry or any other predatory corrupt organization.
For me, Looking at Porn is cheating on my wife, being unfaithful. How would i feel if i caught her looking at dudes? My wife deserves better. I hate the thought of losing her, everything we’ve built over 23 years, so with Porn, looking at porn is giving up everything for people i dont know doing things i dont need, destroying my brain one click at a time. It adds nothing, only takes away. It doesn’t even relieve cravings! It just keeps me in the cycle.
I 100% agree, porn is cheating. I have the same reasoning as well. I’ve recently become jaded to caffeine as well, it reminds of the days where I’d think to myself “I have no idea why I’m doing this, I don’t even like it. But I have to”, and now it’s the same with caffeine. The thing left out about the cycle is how it seems like you’re not just craving and caving, you’re basically a remote controlled car for the addiction. I’ve paid close attention to the signals when they’ve come on really strong, I lose my autonomy and I’m dragged along for the ride. I understand why people say it wasn’t them in the moment, but either way it’s our responsibility to keep that from even coming close to happening. Good talking to you.
That’s the Brainwashing! When i read your quote i thought about it, that’s 100% the brainwashing. It’s like your on autopilot. That’s the definition of brainwashed. I’ve been there many times.
So i heard an analogy recently i really like: There are 2 wolves battling in the forest. Who wins? The one you feed. It’s simple for me: When i take in recovery training when i get up in the morning, whether that be a good spiritual talk, or some recovery podcast, i’m feeding the Good side, arming myself for the war. We are at heart, dopamine addicts. Today, it’s the first time i’ve been online. I’m not on any social media. So i haven’t been feeding myself any dopamine. The question for everyone is simple: What are you feeding on all day? I usually feel the pull when wake up, turn on sportscenter, checking my phone, stay connected to dopamine all day long with nothing feeding the good side. Do this for 7 days, it’s like throwing your willpower in the trunk, he’s just along for the ride but powerless to do anything.
My ‘default settings’ are wired to be lazy and just click around the internet. I have to go into everyday with a plan and goals or my default settings just take over. It’s an annoying thing to have to deal with, but it’s my life.
