Three months ago I admitted to being a sex and love addict for the first time ever. I was going to take a year out of dating but I met a man on a confidence course and we both like each other. Can I date whilst giving up my addiction. He goes to SLAAR and CODA groups and says others in his group have partners.
I think the best thing is to not put so much limitations on yourself while fighting an addiction. So yeah it should be ok, but make sure to stay vigilant and fall into a spiral of your addiction again…
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Yes. Practice active and rigorous honesty. You can do it but you need to make sure to be responsible for your side of the street. I have been a sex addict all my life but was only diagnosed six months ago. I attend SAA meetings several times a week and am following the twelve steps.
Norton
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Thank you for the kind and useful advice, I want to attend SLAAR but I’m in therapy for trauma and my therapist thinks it will be too triggering at this point.
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Follow the advise of your therapist. One day at a time. Have gratitude in your heart and be thankful for the day.
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You can also use the search bar and look for topics like sex,porn,etc addiction. There are a few of us on here who have been going through the same or similar struggles. Glad you’re making progress
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Hi there, just adding to my story. I haven’t been very well which means my bf has been rejecting my attempts at intimacy. I’m better now, last night he took his friend for dinner so I came home and made myself pretty, I did my hair, wore a dress. He came round and said nothing, just started talking about the traffic. I’m finding it hard to feel forfilled with him, it’s making me feel numb and wanting to hook up with other people. Triggering my addiction, what should I do? I’ve talked to him about it, but I didn’t want him around me last night. And it’s making me think about what I had with my ex.
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Reaching out to others in our addiction is a good first step. I have people I text and call everyday to help. Imeditate. Go to the gym or for a walk. Anything to distract my mind. I use a journal as well.
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Hmm. I’d be careful. Although not a sex addict myself, this sounds like you want to go back to your old ways out of resentment. Only you can control you. Don’t give your significant other, or anyone else that power.
It seems like this has been a very short term relationship so far. Could be you’re just not compatible. If so, that’s a-okay. You don’t have to go back to your addiction if things don’t work out.
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Just some observations I hope you’ll consider. In your topmost post, you admit to being addicted to sex and love, and identified a period of celibacy and singlehood as potential paths to eventual recovery.
In the same post you mentioned meeting a guy, three months ago, with whom you are now in a relationship, so singlehood and celibacy isn’t the path you’ve chosen.
In your latest posts you describe feelings of rejection as your boyfriend hasn’t been receptive to your advances, and now you are considering (fantasizing?) about your ex.
Do you think you’ve recovered and/or gained the emotional tools to function in a healthy relationship?
Have you given yourself the time to examine the underlying roots of your admitted addiction/trauma with your therapist?
Have you had a frank and honest discussion, not argument, with the man with whom you are intimate, regarding how you are feeling?
Are you willing to consider the posibility that he is actually trying to help you by not feeding your addiction?
Are you willing to consider this guy actually sees a future with you, but wants to see real progress in your recovery, so that you two have a chance at a healthy physical and emotional relationship?
These last two, I ask this because only a genuine guy would say “no”. A selfish guy would take every opportunity to have sex with you, because it wouldn’t be about your needs, it’d be about his. It might bw taking tremendous self-control for him. You’ll only know for sure, if you talk to him. Calmly. No tears or high emotion. Just an honest discussion over coffee, in a quiet place.
Or, you could choose to be single. 3 months isn’t a long time, as relationships go, IMHO. But I am a serial monogamist. I’m 52, been married twice. 9 years the first time, 19 years this time. Before and in between average relationship length of 6 months to a year. Just saying this to explain my perspective and add context.
I have a drinking problem. Drinking is the only issue adversely affecting my otherwise strong, healthy, fulfilling marriage. I can choose sobriety, or I can choose to try to “control” my drinking. Those are my two choices. After too many cycles of sobriety/“normal drinking”/“problem drinking” I have determined that I am not capable of a healthy relationship with alcohol. It just doesn’t work for me. So now, I have accepted that sobriety is the only path forward for me.
Regardless, I am praying for you.
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Great advice! And thanks for the honesty
Hi Sophie,
I think many of the people at meeting who have partners may have had them before going into recovery which is not the same as trying to start a new relationship while in recovery.
I’m currently in a relationship with a sex/ love addict who is in recovery. He discovered his addiction while in a relationship with me. Oh we were to break up and he were to get into a relationship for the next couple years it would be considered unhealthy.
It’s always an individual thing. But from where this tread is going and the preoccupation you have with your very new relationship already, It may be best to take a big step back and see if you are repeating a new version of the same pattern and weather or not that’s really a good Idea right now.
If you are in therapy, it means you are trying pretty hard to beat this and are investing time and money into it. Why do something now that could hold you back from really getting the results you are after?
Also consider that you are dating someone who by definition is addicted to relationships, so of course he’s going to find a way to justify you guys starting one now as opposed to waiting.
It’s kinda like an active alcoholic asking another active alcoholic, if one drink is a good idea. When you are coming out of an addiction, your ability to reason is hindered, it takes time to redevelop that again…This is exactly why they tell people who are trying to recover from sex addiction to refrain from dating.
What does your therapist think of this new relationship? You mentioned heir thoughts on ou doing slaa meetings but not on your dating right now.
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I love Steve’s post and
I just wanted to point out however, that sex addicts and love addicts do behaving a little differently so while he’s interested in her his not respinding to her advances could mean a number of things.
Sex addicts in recovery often go through periods of sexual anorexia but can still be very active love addicts or tester between the 2…usually it takes a lot of time to figure out what is healthy behaviour and what is the addiction because sex and love are so complex and you can’t / shouldn’t cut them out completely.
The more time we spend alone the better we get to know ourselves, what we want and need from our partners and relationships. THEN we can learn to patiently discover these qualities in people and slowly build healthy friendships and relationships based on the values we’ve identified wHe we were on our own.
Sex and love addicts jump in and out of relationships with full intensity and the best of intentions. They often don’t know much about who they are or what they really want/ need and deserve. They tend to have little understanding of setting, maintaining and informing healthy boundaries as well.
This is why it’s so important to realize that it takes a long time to get to a place where we ar sure we’re acting from a rational and emotional balancing point as opposed to a compulsive standpoint and just rationalizing our behaviour in order to engage in addictive patterns.
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That’s a tough one? How long have you been feeling like this? Maybe a date night is in order? I felt like at one stage it’s hard. Spend time with your girlfriends he will see your having fun he might notice that your thinking of intimacy might make him want you more, I’m not good at wording stuff. But just a thought. Good luck hope it gets better for you.
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My therapy is for this, it’s for PTSD but I ask for advice too. He thinks it’s safe as I’ve explained my history also. I think the point about him being addicted to relationships and rationalising things is a good one. The guess I went into as we both met on a confidence course and are actively working on ourselves and have openess and honesty that I’ve never had with someone else before. He’s a very safe person, but I’ve thought that before and I was wrong. Also the anorexia is a problem I have from both. Its starts then I push the person away and find the next new exciting thing, which is part of the addiction.
I guess maybe it was to soon and I was kidding myself, thanks for all the useful advice and for the your replies. We have talked and agreed to see what happens through this patch and split if it doesn’t improve and just support each other as friends instead.
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Way To face this problem is to have sex plan so that you would not over limit and at the same time helps you quit