So for the past 2 months I’ve been harming myself. Pretty much to give context to what I’m about to say is that what I have used was pretty dull. And not as sharp as a razor so to do so I had to do it rougher. This in turn had given me white stripes on the skin. And I feel overly stressed by it.
Like will it go away?
I mostly stopped currently because I have an appointment for a doctor to see my hands because I’ve had issues with them and in worry that I’d have to roll up my sleeves I have forced myself not to do anything.
But what I’m mostly thinking about is that I constantly keep telling myself that it’s not really self harm because it’s not bad enough. Because I’m not doing a good enough job at it. Some days I feel like I am valid and others I don’t.
Nobody close to me knows about me harming myself since it is winter time and I have been wearing long sleeved shirts and hoodies ect.
I feel pathetic and dumb for it. In the moment it feels good right even. And afterwards too. It’s the recovery part that makes me stressed. The idea that the scars will fade and that there will be no proof of what I’ve gone through. And on the other hand I hope that it won’t scar. Hope that there will be no evidence of my dark times. It’s a constant struggle.
Same with help. Sometimes I want to scream on the top of my lungs and beg for help beg for attention of those around me. To be a little selfish at times. But most times I want it to get worse. To never get help.
I guess that may be a little messed up.
Though I’ve thought that I’m depressed the times I’ve brought it up to my mother she has said countless times that nothing is wrong with me because I’m questioning myself. And that depressed people apparently don’t do that. And that just makes me conflicted.
Like am I faking it? Am I really not depressed?
All my life I’ve been a good kid. Didn’t cause trouble or anything. And even now I feel like a disappointment even though nobody knows thus far. It makes me nauseous and the endless labyrinth of thoughts keeps taunting me.
Sorry for rambling so much and thank you for reading through.
