My parents are 81 and 82. They have nothing major health-wise, no conditions or illnesses, but their decline over the last couple of years (probably related to COVID, lockdowns, worry…) has me quite shaken. My father particularly is looking absolutely frail, and is starting to have difficulty moving around. My mother is holding up better, but she’s clearly declining too.
I’m basically shaken by the realisation that they’re going to be taken from me soon. My heart skips a beat every time I see a call from either of them on my phone. For the time being they’re still at their own home, but I also know that the time is nearing when as a family we’ll have to look at different living options (they live on two floors, and the stairs are becoming a hazard). It’s all very emotional to think about, and it all makes me sad and worried.
This anxiety is not endangering my sobriety, though it’s definitely something that would have had me reaching out for the wine, especially at night, when worry keeps me from sleep. But right now I’d like to know if anyone relates, and how you cope with the anxiety and the sads. Any advice or calming thoughts?
First off, sending big hugs your way. Your parents are blessed to have such a caring child and it is wonderful you are able to spend time with them. I understand…my Mom and Dad are 86 and 88 and still healthy and active physically. Yet I know we are all here only temporarily and certainly my folks have had a long life. I try to spend as much time in person or video chatting with them as I can.
For myself, I try to live in the here and now, as today truly is the only day I have. Like in sobriety, one day at a time is the only way I can live. I know too that all living entities die at some point and while it is heartbreaking and sad to know everyone we have ever known or loved will return to their original form, I also find comfort in knowing that it is simply nature and the end of our life cycle. Aging, in my experience, is the process of slowly letting go of all we have loved. Not just people, but abilities, dreams, parts of our selves. Shedding our hold on life or life shedding its hold on us.
All the more reason to savor our moments with our parents, help them prepare for what lies ahead and making their surroundings more supportive of their stage in life (goodbye throw rugs, hello hand bars).
For coping, I have been reading some wonderful books on aging …if I was home I would share them with you. I will try to remember to do so. Also, having talks about their wishes and reality is helpful. I calm myself with journaling, walks, conversations with friends, meditation, cozy tea time and in knowing that this is all a natural process. Maybe spend some time looking thru old photos with them…my folks so enjoy that…as well as just chatting and visiting when you can. It is normal and okay to be sad and fearful. Feel your feelings and release them.
Yup. Just lost my dad. Age ninety one. I was providing him in home care for a few years. It was an undertaking I unwittingly committed to but so glad I did. I miss my Dad.
Dad and I had lost my Mother six years prior. Mom had a beer in hand for almost every waking moment. As Mom’s heath deteriorated she was a shadow of her former self. Ultra frail an foul mouthed. Yup. Her golden years were more like tarnished brass. It was very hard to witness Dad’s deterioration. When I would visit him in extended care, at first I would put youtube (Car Crash and the like) on his tv. As time went on he had no interest in my presence.
Fortunately I no longer drink or smoke. I am still in transition to whatever what my life is becoming.
Don’t dwell on their health but rather enjoy the time you have. I never married so I intend not to let negligence spoil my remaining days.
Thank you, @SassyRocks and @Volodian for your thoughtful replies. I guess part of growing and maturing is also taking over our parents’ roles as carers, and helping them in the last stretch of their lives. It’s a difficult transition, at least for me.
We only have the one day we’re living, that has really resonated with me. I’ll try to keep it at the fore when I get anxious about this, and give my parents then a call, or visit them.
Sassyrocks, if you remember about the books on aging, I’d love to look up those references, thank you for offering.
I will say I frequently had to wash my Dad’s back side as the time drew near to his day to transition to extended care. (Placement is seldom available at the drop of a hat.) I recommend purchasing a pair of thick heavy duty industrial gloves that have the fabric interior. Easy to put on and remove. Useful for both physical care and to prevent repeated exposure to skin of chemical cleansers used to maintain surface areas throughout the home.
Buy the gloves even if you don’t intend to provide care above and beyond general household cleaning. The frail gloves sold for dish washing are inevitably useless and frequently replaced.
(Prepare yourself. Placing a parent in extended care is heartbreaking. I had Dad transported to his placement by ambulance as it was recommended by a nurse who would check in on our home from time to time. They don’t want you there. If you’re upset, how will this help your parent? When dad saw his ride he exclaimed “I want to come right back here when we’re done!” I am shedding tears as I write this. I went on a bender that day)
I don’t have exactly the same experience but I do understand the worry and dread.
My dad had type 1 diabetes and I watched him struggle to manage it my whole life. I think it hit me around 14 years old that he wasn’t going to be around as long as other people’s parents. I watched him decline over the years due to various strokes/illness/ cancer/ etc. my mom took care of him diligently the whole time. He past this year at 66 years old. I’ll spare you all the details bc they won’t help your situation.
All this to say, the things that I found after his passing - I never had to regret missing time with them bc I always took any opportunity I had. Call often. Visit if you can. Be present when you do. You will inevitably be sad about their decline bc you love them and you sound empathetic, but there’s nothing you can do to stop it. Trust me, I wish there was. I will say I did relapse the day my dad died so maybe make a plan for that, it can shake you.
I don’t have better advice for the care part but please take care of yourself too. This is such a hard thing to deal with. Big hugs. Xoxo is
It is such a hard transition. My mother is nearly 80 and we had a scare a few weeks ago when she collapsed at my home after dinner and had to be blue lighted to hospital. She had a hypo, having taken her insulin and not eaten enough so was only in for one night but when I brought her to my home to keep an eye on her she was very confused and I really thought we were looking at residential care. She was better once back in her own home and fortunately has rallied now her insulin has been dropped drastically. We lost my father to lung cancer 6 years ago so she lives alone. It is very overwhelming at times. Especially as I work full time for the NHS and can’t just drop everything to look after her. Thankfully she has a good friend and my Aunt visits weekly. I don’t think any of us are ready to assume the role of “ the older generation”. Sending hugs.
@Merryshoes I will be back home in a couple of days and will share. The books are not practical care books, but more on our own aging process…which I found helpful for myself and in thinking of my parents journey.
Talk to them. You might find that they are at peace with this stage of their lives. Living into one’s 80’s and just now “slowing down” is a miracle when one considers what average life-expectancy was in when they were born. They just might tell you that they’ve lived long, full lives, and see every new day as a blessing. They might tell you they feel like their “quality of life” is great, even as they age. Their peace just might bring you peace.
And try to never miss an opportunity to connect with them. Think of it as “moments in the bank”, or an “emotional annuity” that you can draw on when they are gone.
Definitely can relate. My mom is in her 60s and the past six years she has been fighting Multiple Myeloma. It is a type of cancer where essentially your white blood cells start attacking and weakening your bone marrow. I’ve watched over the past six years as she’s gotten weaker and weaker. The past two years I have had to do a lot more to take care of her, which has been mentally taxing.
Looking back I realize that I was using alcohol as an unhealthy coping mechanism to deal with the stress and anxiety. This all came to a tipping point earlier in the year when she fell and broke her teeth due to practically non existent cell counts. I went on a three day bender to deal with the stress of that and some other issues I was dealing with at the time. After that I realized something needed to change and that’s when I got sober
Yeah I feel that. Whenever I think of my grandma Lennie or grammie and papa I have this I’ll image of them in my head and they certainly don’t match that image anymore. They’re getting more grey and fragile. When I was in the depths of panic disorder that was a big theme of my thoughts. Death is so weird. Life is too. It’s all just so weird
Yes! I feel this. My parents are older but still quite healthy. Covid was tough on them, especially my mom. She said she’d rather die from Covid than be isolated from family. Quarantine was difficult. My dad was diagnosed with dementia a few years ago and it’s really starting to show up. I try to spend as much time as I can with them and help them out. They don’t actually ask for much - I have friends with parents who are less well and require a lot more attention. Sometimes it makes me feel like a bad person when I get busy or don’t find the time to visit them. I try my best but I often feel like I don’t do enough.
Yea my dad’s dying, so I can relate to the bleakness. But I refuse to let it break me. I watched my dad, broken by his father’s death, divorce, and tragedies of his own creation, drink a whiskey river, crying tears in his beer over loss. I refuse to live my life like that. I chose this for myself when I chose sobriety. When it’s time, his suffering will be done. He is right with God and he shall see for himself the true glory of heaven. I really can’t think of one thing to be upset about!
Life to me is all about letting go, with humble faith.
This is something that we cannot control. It is going to happen no matter how we choose to react to it…My parents are in a similar situation and just moved into assisted living…
Thank you, everyone, for your deep-felt replies. Of course, almost everyone goes through this with parents at some point. I’m grateful for your perspectives and ideas. @Yoda-Stevie, I haven’t asked them outright, but I think they do have a lot of peace about the stage of life they’re in. Of course, it helps them that they’re together. @SassyRocks, thank you for the books, I’ll check them out. What you said about us letting go as life lets go of us has really made me think.
Hugs to all who are going or have gone through the same thing. I’m also here for you.
I lost both my parents within 8 months. They were only 69 and 70.
Its hard to grieve death, & Its hard to grieve people who are still alive.
Just enjoy the moments you have.
Ram dass has some good lectures on death and grief that can be found on youtube.
Not just people, but abilities, dreams, parts of our selves. Shedding our hold on life or life shedding its hold on us. 
