Should I seek divorce to prevent mental anguish to my wife

My wife and I are separated right now due to my sexual addiction and she knows most of what that entails. We are starting counseling soon to help us navigate if divorce is the best option for use. The things she does not know are not really worse but they would hit closer to home because of the details. While I would like to reconcile, but obviously we cannot build a new relationship on a lie. I’m contemplating if not teller her and just seeking a divorce would be the best option so that she wont have to be hurt again by my actions.

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This is your addiction trying to avoid recovery. Speculating about divorce takes a lot of mental and emotional energy, which prevents that energy being used for addiction recovery work (which requires focus and being present in the moment, not distracted by imaginary futures). It keeps you distracted by trying to read other people’s mind - and therefore avoiding recovery.

Your addiction wants you to itself. That is why it is planting this seed of isolation in your mind, and making it seem like a good idea.

There is nothing you can speculate about here which is going to help. What will help is to work on your recovery with other people in recovery from sex addiction. That will help your counselling to be more effective too.

I know you’re worried. There is a way through this, but it starts with you doing work on your recovery, with other people in recovery from your condition.

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Yeah I am currently doing the counseling and group work already. She has told me she simply doesnt want to be hurt anymore. I’d love to reconcile someday but I am unsure if what I want is worth forcing her to face this hurt again.

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I was a partner to a sex addict and was exposed to lying and gaslighting for years. The consequences of never hearing the truth are DEVASTATING to anyone, especially a loving partner. Because the partner knows on a subconscious level and is part of the denying and truth bending. And this is something your wife will have to face and shift in her own mind, so that she can stand up for herself better in the future. She needs to be able to integrate the hints and ambiguous feelings she perceived during the betrayals, which she pushed away in order to wrongfully trust you, with what actually happened, and end her congnitive dissonance. This is part of her healing journey.
The greatest amendment you can give to your wife and the most important thing you can give her is the truth. I cannot stress this enough.
Keeping things from her is not doing her any favours!

Edit just read your reply. If she explicitly doesn’t want to hear anything, that’s ofc also her decision. My point is still valid tho and the consequences I described are very real. you could bring this concern up to your couples counselor, I would if I was in your position.

Best of luck to you on your journey.

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I have never been to couples counseling before and had not considered asking them what to do. Is it normal to ask something of a couples counselor separately

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Don’t manage her feelings for her. She’s an adult and is responsible for her own feelings.

You are responsible for your internal world, and until you directly work on that with other people who have been sex addicts themselves and who have earned recovery, and you earn recovery by learning and practicing healthy sex addiction recovery - until you directly do that work, you are not going to be able to help.

Now is not the time to make big life changing decisions of the type you’re talking about here. Her decisions are up to her. What you need is learning from people who have been sex addicts and who actually have success with sex addiction recovery. Seek them out and learn from them.

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Your therapist or counsellor is there for you both. Your can ask them anything.

I am working with people who have gone through this, but these decisions are happening and.have to be made whether I have had years of recovery practice or not. The world didnt stop rotating the second I decided to deal with this. We are already separated and this is something I’m wrestling with that will have to be dealt with in the near future

@Matt is an inexhaustible fount of valuable insight and information. So, take a moment to step away from your guilty conscience and really absorb what he’s saying quite clearly to you.

We’re all here trying to help you, but only if you want it.

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Im appreciative, I just hate to prolong her suffering if I can help it

Your world stopped rotating the minute you got into your addiction. It froze you. That what addiction does: it imprisons you.

If you want to re-enter the world as a constructive agent, you need to face your addiction and get free from your prison.

Oh, she’s going to suffer regardless. These are the ripples of our decisions, especially as addicts. A moment of weakness can cause a lifetime of hurt and resentment.

But, as Matt as stated… Focus on the thing in front of you: getting to an SA meeting and working the program.

If her feelings meant that much to you, they would have been in the forefront of your mind before you acted.
Being tempted is one thing, acting is another.

Now you have to face the consequences… And if that means taking it slow and doing as Matt wisely has counseled, so be it.

No one can make your decisions for you, and it sounds like you’ve already made up your mind and just want one of us to say it to assuage your guilt. But we can’t…

If you have already decided to divorce her, okay.
If you want her to feel empowered, let her divorce you.

Just don’t let this cloud the inescapable fact that you’re in need of help, worthy of that help, and should begin quickly. Don’t let shame, guilt, and anxiety rob the rest of your life from you.
I believe good things for you, and for your family.

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I guess my confusion lies in should we not do counseling or if we do, do i just withhold this information and reveal it if she wants to reconcile then starting the process again. I have been at meetings I am currently doing the work.

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So that I can better understand, are you confused by the notion of couples therapy because it could lead to divorce (which you feel is inevitable and would be kinder to her in the long run)?

Is it possible that it may help heal your marriage?

I’m speaking for just me here; I was so against marriage counseling because I was convinced that it would lead to divorce. And, I’m sure it would have had we not found such an incredible therapist!

She has, within just a few sessions, immensely helped my wife and myself. Everything we needed to repair our marriage, we already had! We just needed someone skilled enough to help us see it.

Perhaps couples counseling will help the both of you leave without bitterness or resentment?

There are too many unknowns, and that’s what I believe Matt has been trying to tell you— these unknowns can be a form of self-sabotage. They distract us from what’s the root of our dysfunctions.

You’re really on my heart. I’m no better than you, and hope I haven’t come across supercilious. Trust me, I’m not! We’re all doing the best we can with what we think is best. Now we can do better and healthier things together.

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