I was having a pretty good week, coming off an awesome weekend from one of my biggest MTB events of the year, not letting things bother me AND THEN IT HAPPENED!!! One of my triggers called me and called me just as i was trying to convince myself to get out of bed and start this DAMN!!! day.
My oldest sister calls me and this was someone I really didn’t need to talk too. The call started out just fine and then one thing lead to another and it was me screaming at her and just letting her have it. I was letting her know how I felt about things in life and how the things that a few people including her have really hurt me mentally, emotionally, physically, & how i have been dealing with it and how much it has hurt .
The worst part is she couldn’t even accept her part or responsibility in all of it. She was in denial the whole time.
This is a relationship that my therapist are trying to get me to forgive her so i can go on in my recovery. The is so much more to this I don’t want to make a book of this but, i have not talked to her in 6 years and i just started back up only so that our disabled brother can have time with his family before it’s his time to go. Now my brother has already lived 20 yrs past what we were told he was going too. He is now 41 & has so many disabilities he is a living miracle right now, he is slowing down and it’s not right for me to keep him away from family because i have issues. Thats the only reason i am back to having some communication with this sister.
I am struggling with forgiveness and forgiveness with her. How is one to forgive someone when you have so many issues & possibly demons with? How is one to forgive when that trigger will still be there? How is one to forgive when the feeling of what you are feeling about that person is still there? WHY IS FORGIVENESS SO HARD??
I am not liking recovery right now, but i will still fight:muscle:
Have you worked the steps yet Sarah? My older sister is a piece of work and I have to remind myself that I cannot control anyone and I cannot change the past–often I remind myself when simply I think about her. Mom too.
I don’t hang out, go see or even talk to people I don’t like. Especially them. Don’t need the BS exposure.
Your situation is different, I did read. Gotta find a healthier way of accepting things or you can expect to snap on her every time.
Family relationships can be tricky. You’ve probably heard your therapist say what I’m about to say.
Forgiveness is a process. It starts when you DECIDE to forgive someone. It’s a decision, not a feeling. Sometimes you need keep choosing to forgive if your thoughts of anger and hurt are persistent.
Forgiveness does NOT make what happened ok. It doesn’t mean you have to be hippy happy with that person again. It also does not mean you have to trust them again.
It does mean you’re not holding a grudge against the person anymore. Because unforgiveness is like you’re drinking poison but expecting the person to die.
I’m not telling this from a high horse. I’ve had to forgive family members things that contributed to my poor mental health. It was a painful process but it was worth it. I decided not to bring it up with them but to deal with it in therapy instead. My relationship to these family members is now better than ever.
It is hard but it’s worth it. It’s the price of YOUR freedom.
What has been said here is true and valuable. I want to add another perspective I find often gets dismissed: no one can make you forgive or has the right to expect that of you if you’re not there yet. It sounds like you’re aware your hurt feelings cause you more pain than anyone else and that it’s better to move on. That is wise. However, you persistently have feelings of anger and hurt. These are not dealt with yet. Your time being angry and hurt is not over yet and it won’t be over until you really honour those. Grieve for the hurt that was caused you. Have compassion for your pain without pointing the finger at the culprit. Just focus on you. The more you soothe yourself, the less important will it become to seek satisfaction through always pointing at the other. The injury has long been done, no use stating the fact anymore. It’s time to tend to your wound, feel your feelings, and that will naturally lead to releasing the acute anger if you consciously work this process - naturally, not because you force yourself to or for outer reasons like your brother’s wellbeing (although this is a noble reason, it’s not you, and we can’t change our feelings for others ppl’s sakes, feelings change on their own).
Forgiveness will come when the feelings have been felt. You cannot make yourself forgive, but you can work towards it which you’re already doing.
In the meantime, why not set a boundary: I’m still too hurt to have contact with this person, so I won’t allow phonecalls or even f2f talk with her outside of being polite (“hello” “goodbye” “pass the salt please”) when we are in the same room.
You can attend family events. Doesn’t mean you have to make conversation with her. Just stonewall her. If she starts to talk with you, let her know you’re not ready and remove yourself.
You are the second person i have heard the line about the poison in drinking it and wishing others to die. Just by chance did you read a book called “Heal From Within”? Caues that’s the first place i have heard it from and used. The author used in when she ise talking about forgiveness.
Question,
How do you have compassion for someone without pointing fingers at a culprit?
Ya i am working on boundaries as we type in this chat room. I hate them and don’t have a whole lot of boundaries so, that to is a work in progress. I am a huge people pleaser and have the hardest time saying “NO” to others and i will give you my last dime and shirt off my back if that meant you were going to be ok then i knew i did my good for the day and i was happy. So, i am learning to say no and put myself first along side my brother who is 24/7 care, he is 100% dependent on another human to do EVERYTHING FOR HIM.
well, you learn how to separate the two. this takes time to learn. they are two different things. one is directed at yourself, that is the compassion - the other is directed at the other, that is casting blame.
is that so? cos I think if that were so, you would not be writing about your struggles here. people pleasing does not make us happy. it’s a strategy to avoid conflict by sacrificing ourselves, seemingly for the “good” of others, but really for the selfish reason: because we don’t know another way than to avoid what is hard for us. which is doing right by ourselves and others in a sustainable way.
do you want to change? or stay the same? either is hard. but one will make you less unhappy. choose your hard.
Use the past as a Wisdom Well; nothing more. Emotional responses to past situations waste Our resources because We can not change or correct the past.
As for your sibling, forgive past transgressions, stay present when interacting, and decide how to move forward with her in the future…your sobriety depends on this.
of my triggers called me and called me just as i was trying to convince myself to get out of bed 
and start this DAMN!!! day.
calls me and this was someone I really didn’t need to talk too. The call started out just fine and then one thing lead to another and it was me screaming 
at her and just letting her have it. I was letting her know how I felt about things in life and how the things that a few people including her have really hurt me mentally, emotionally, physically, & how i have been dealing with it and how much it has hurt 
.
