I am an alcoholic binge drinker and I really want to stop. On the days I don’t drink I am so happy with energy and enthusiasm then all of a sudden the monster inside my head says “have a drink, just one or two and you will be even happier” I did that tonight and I’ve crashed so hard it hurts. Every time I drink now, from the minute I have that first drink I get angry with myself but can’t seem to stop. I want a sober life so badly I wish my higher power would show and help but he’s no where to he seen. I wish this was easier :-(
You gotta be willing to do the work. In a perfect world wishing would be enough, but it’s not.
It’s been a few weeks now. What time of program are you working and what changes are you willing to make?
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I understand those feelings well. Toward the end, I found absolutely no pleasure in drinking. With that first sip came the self loathing, the feelings of failure, the knowledge that I would wake up hungover - because, despite my best efforts, it was never just one. I felt like I was too broken for God to help me.
It was the night that I told myself and my husband that I was an alcoholic, that I hated who I had become, and that I needed help that I started to feel free. It was in my first AA meeting that I felt the presence of my higher power. All I can say is that there was such a sense of grace…of love…of forgiveness…of hope…and I knew then that God had never forsaken me. I had just been trying to bend my Higher Power to fit my own will. How could I keep asking God to help me stop drinking and then drive to buy wine - and then wonder why I couldn’t get sober?
Now, I start my days by praying for my Higher Power’s purpose for my day to become clear. Not since then have I felt that my loving Higher Power felt that the best use of my life was to be drunk.
Ah Willow - you have the strength to get sober. I don’t think you can do it alone, though. I certainly couldn’t. What can you do differently from today forward? What kind of supports can you get for yourself? And maybe the biggest question is - are you honestly done? It’s a process, but you sound like you are very close💗.
Do you still have this appointment for the 14th?
Yes I still have the doctors appointment on Thursday 14th and intend to be completely honest about everything. In the past I did tell the doctor about me drinking too much but I sort of made out that I wasn’t that bad through embarrassment more than anything. I’m loathing myself this morning and I have to go to work.
I know in my heart I’m getting there Englishd, every time I do drink I hate myself more and more and get angry for doing it. On my good sober days I am so happy with myself and love life. I’m going to see my doctor Thursday and will definitely look up more meetings.
You do realize that hating yourself is most likely part of the reason you still drink, so while you think you’re getting closer you’re actually harming yourself. It’s the cycle of self pity that 99.99% of us have been trapped in. You drink because you feel bad about yourself then you feel worse, then you drink more. It’s protracted suicide.
Since your program, or lack thereof isn’t working I will give this suggestion that has worked for many others. It requires work and commitment.
- 90 meetings in 90 days.
- Get a sponsor and call them every day.
- Start practicing the steps with a sponsor.
- Get a couple lists of phone numbers. Call at least on person everyday.
- Start IOP/counseling/therapy at least one day a week.
- Do not go to bars, parties, clubs, etc for 90 days.
- Pick up the phone instead of the drink when you get an urge.
- Get a home group and service commitment
- Do not drink, no matter what.
If you do all 9 of those I will bet my life you won’t drink.
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The man knows his stuff!
My cycle of self pity looked like this:
Get high or drunk. Tell myself that I was never going to get better. Once I thought I wouldn’t get better I would use and drink more. The thoughts became worse. The worse the thoughts the more I used. The more I used the worse the thoughts.
This was every relapse. I always thought nothing would get better then I would use. Like clockwork. Until one day the emotional pain became way to much and I decided I would do whatever it takes to not feel that way. For me it was die or recover. I didn’t have a choice. I gave up everything about my old life so that I could start my new one.
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Hoping your doctor appointment goes well today!
Maybe is not the solution but I received some help through some podcast about anxiety. I send to you one title :Introduction to Anxiety Recovery by Charles Linden
Tonight has been my lowest, there’s no where else to go
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Praying. Dear friend. I hope you will find HOPE
I can relate to what your going through in my own way. Hang in there! I have anxiety and depression and it’s not super thrilling experience some days. However, drinking to feel “better” was an unsustainable solution that only magnified my suffering and spread to those around me. Today, I’d gladly trade a day of learning to live sober with those challenges than the futile misery of addiction. All the best on your journey, you are not alone in this.
Places to go:
- Inpatient rehab
- Intensive outpatient rehab
- Medical detox
- AA (more than just one meeting)
- SMART recovery (online exists)
- Celebrate recovery (if nearby)
- Refuge recovery (if nearby)
You’ve been coming here for months so it’s pretty clear you can’t do this on your own. So don’t you think it’s time to try something different. I feel like each week people on here make a ton of good suggestions and you don’t listen to any of them. We can give you all the support in the world but it doesn’t mean a thing unless you are willing to put in the work. We can be your cheerleaders, but everyone knows cheerleaders don’t win the game. The players do.
I went to an AA meeting last night and cried the whole way through, today I am going to “Change grow live” which my doctor recommended where it’s a one to one meeting. You are allowed to take one person to the first meeting so my son is coming. He also came to the doctors which I’m glad of. I’m going to tell my sister today whom I’m very close with who has never drank in her life. Last night my partner and sons all saw me a hysterical mess which will stay with me as long as I live. My step son is getting married in 11 days time and my boyfriend said he doesn’t want me there because I’ll spoil it and be embarrassing like I have been in the past. I have done all the excuses and just wanted to end everything last night but today I need to pick myself up. You’re right Englishd I have been coming on here for months I have listened to lots of advice but I think I have still been in denial. I’m hoping today will be my turning point, I will look for more meetings.
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Glad to see you responding to some of the suggestions. Have you looked into IOP? That group saved my life!
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I’ve never heard of change grow live. Sounds pretty cool though. You will have to become our resident expert on it. Let us know how it goes. I like hearing about new recovery
What is IOP?
It’s Intensive Out Patient. Basically a small group that is run by an addiction specialist/therapist a few times a week. It’s a mandatory program once you sign up. If you miss sessions you will be terminated (mine was 3 sessions, with legit reasons like medical issues not counting). Mine was an 8 week program, but I stayed for almost 4 months. They teach you A LOT about coping with sobriety and recovery as well as getting down to the mental issues and triggers. Mine was dual diagnosis, so it was for people with mental health diagnosis and addiction problems. There are different ones all over. I highly suggest this if you can manage it.
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