What if you think of recovery as being one day at a time?
One day at a time. The day that matters is today.
I’m not being “cute” here, I’m not trying to diminish what you’re sharing. I’m being serious. Recovery is always one day at a time. The past is the past. You are not a failure. What you do need to do is ask yourself, obviously something is not working for me in the way I did it in January because I drank (doesn’t matter if you call it a slip or a relapse, you drank; you didn’t want to but you did - gotta be honest to grow); something needs to change.
Now choose a change and make it. Perhaps joining a sobriety program, something that helps you dig deeper and avoid “white-knuckling” your health and your recovery:
Participate here, spend some time here and read around. There’s lots to learn.
One day at a time. That’s what life is, and that’s what health is (and being healthy for us is being in recovery: recovering our humanity, our freedom from the chains of addiction).