Is sobriety what you actually want for yourself?
If so what outside support are you seeking to help your sobriety?
Do you need to set some boundaries with your husband about this?
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Hi @Mephistopheles, I’m going 10 months completely clean and the struggle is largely behind me but I have to remain vigilant and I dread any slip that would roll me back to day 1. I enjoyed reading Chapter 3. How do I access the rest of the book? I feel I would benefit from a deeper understanding of alcoholism so I can make sense of why it was such a impossible problem to beat, to harden and mature my resolve to stay clean and to be of help to others I may encounter.
Many thanks!
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Before I eventually quit successfully, I went through 15 years of repeated failed attempts. I’d say out loud, “OK that’s it! I’m done for good! That was the absolute last time ever!”. Then to celebrate that decision I’d go out for one last one…and get back home in the morning feeling like a dead person. Pure folly, insanity.
Be honest about it, see it for what it really is, another failed attempt, a broken good run. You just have to reset and face day 1 again. You will eventually succeed. Your resolve will eventually prevail. For me it took something bad almost happening to kick me in the gut and I finally quit BS’ing myself. I almost got my wife and me killed in a highway car crash after I got home from drinking all night and decided to drive us for some errands. I figured my luck would run out soon and I’d die, kill someone, lose my family, get very ill etc. So I quit hard, cold turkey, the day of the crash. It’s 10 months now, completely clean.
I wish you success. You will prevail.
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Slip or relapse is just semantics. What matters is that you broke sobriety. You did well not to just give in the next night, and not resume a pattern of drinking.
Reset the clock, and push forward. This is the best thing to do, but it’s not all you can do. Consider that your will alone is not yet strong enough to resist temptation 100% of the time. Add something to your approach, be it meetings or a daily check-in thread here, an accountability partner…something more than what you’ve been doing.
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My last “slip,” it pained me to reset my counter. I had serious time on there, and part of my intense guilt and shame was in feeling like I’d tossed it away by going back to zero. But it was important that I did. When I did my inventory of all the choices that led to my “slip” and then another inventory of what tools worked and what didn’t, my counter was a tool that worked. It means something to me to count my days. It meant something that I had to reset it. The days weren’t lost at all because they were all part of my inventory, but I did feel like I’d dishonored them. That has become great motivation for me now- a new tool! I don’t want to ever go back to the hangover, the guilt, the piecing my evening together, the frantic social media check, etc. I also don’t want to feel like I dishonored my hard work again, all my pretty days collecting like little treasures, gleaming with my sweat and best decision (to never question my decision to not drink). You can call it what you want- slip, relapse, blip. I knew I had to reset my counter because that bank of days has to be untainted. It is one day at a time of work and choices and the decision that are one of my greatest sources of pride. I switched my guilt into more motivation to never have to reset again. All the days I have right now are 100% mine and clean like little dreams come true. For me, they have to stay stain free to have the motivational magic. Because I love them. I want to only think love about them and have reminders only of my daily triumphs. But this is your decision. I say do what you think will be the most motivating for you to continue to get what you want.
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The “Everything AA” app is incredible. Has all of the AA literature both print and audio versions. One of my favorite apps.
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I love this quote, its one of my favorites! Thank you for reminding me of that 
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I started reading/listening to this book a couple of weeks ago! I haven’t done any reading lately but my schedule has calmed down a bit so I can get back into my routine. I havent gotten past the intro chapter yet, but I really like the idea of this being “data points”. Thanks for sharing!
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Thank you all for your encouragement and words of advice! I’d like to reply to you all individually, but tbh, I went too long between manicures, and my nails are long enough that it makes typing on my phone REALLY annoying 
Can’t wait for the 11th 
lol
But anyways, I am so appreciative of the support! A few follow-ups though:
I’m a little apprehensive to dive into any AA stuff, as its seems VERY heavy on the religious stuff and I’m an atheist. No hate or judgement for those who are religious, I just don’t know how easily I’d be able to adapt a lot of the AA stuff when it (seems to be) all geared towards religion.
Regarding my husband…he is supportive of my decision but also doesn’t understand why I’m making a lifelong decision to be sober. We’d yet to have any worse consequences from drinking other than arguments and embarrassing social media posts or texts. So, I think to him, there isn’t a real problem. He doesn’t intend on being sober forever himself, but has not brought home any without my permission (which I was doing great avoiding giving until this last Saturday). He WILL say stuff like, “are you sure you don’t want to drink tonight” which frustrates the hell out me bc he knows my goals and he knows how hard a time I have with willpower. We’ve been together since we were 19 (35 now), and we’ve always enabled each other in various ways. It’s never been an issue before, but there’s never been a time when one of us wanted to make a big change. I guess I would appreciate any perspectives on how to navigate sobriety with a less than fully supportive partner.
And finally, I did reset my clock, and what’s more, I kept the widget on my phone’s home screen! Whenever I’ve relapsed in the past, I’ve been so ashamed that I removed the widget so I didn’t have to see the number start over. I left it on this time to keep myself motivated. I like what someone said above about it almost being like a competition with yourself. As a Type A personality, I do enjoy some competition 
Thanks again, everyone
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Thanks heaps. Exactly what I needed.
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Your husband sounds so much like mine at the beginning of my sobriety journey. He did not get it and wanted to be supportive and thought he was, but he wasn’t. And I really didn’t know for a long while what exactly I needed from him re support. Like what was mine and what was his, you know?
We started out as drinking and drug buddies about 27 years ago, so I get all that.
I could write on this forever…instead I will share some old threads that maybe will give you some stuff to think about. Always happy to discuss via PM as well if you’re interested. Anyway…take a look here and see if anything resonates…
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