That’s understandable. Fear is understandable. You’re been running from life - escaping into addiction and numbness - for so many years. The idea of standing and facing life - the idea that you can face the unpredictabilities of life without escaping - is intimidating.
Unpredictability is part of life. Everyone faces it. One unpredictable thing is whether or not you’ll see someone you know, at a meeting.
Health and progress come from accepting and adapting to unpredictability, in sober ways. There are a lot of techniques that we learn, to do this. One is attending groups, where programs include coaching on handling emotions and learning how to live with the ups and downs and surprises of life - without using drugs.
www.NA.org is an option; there are others here:
Resources for our recovery
You can’t keep running Mark. It’s killing you, slowly. You’re alive but you’re not living. You need to live brother.
I know you’re scared. Do it anyway.
I know it’s intimidating. Do it anyway.
I know you don’t think you can show your face. Do it anyway.
You’re a good man Mark and you deserve a safe, sober life where you can be your full, healthy self. Look deep, decide you want this, and then do whatever it takes to make it happen. You have permission to do anything safe and legal, to make this happen. (And that includes showing your face at a meeting. There’s no shame in needing to be healthy. In fact, it’s something you should be proud of.)