So first the good news. I remain alcohol free. 228 days today. Unfortunately I slipped up with the pills. I’d been going well, around 100 days, but one evening a few weeks ago everything was just too much. It wasn’t one big thing just an accumulation of work and family pressure (I work in healthcare and have a small baby, so it’s been kind of crazy this year, and often I feel like one of me isn’t enough to meet all the demands I have upon me). I found just a few mg of diazepam, half broken tablets at the bottom of an old first aid box and took them without thinking, just to take the edge off. Unfortunately it worked, like it always works until it stops working. I then remembered another stash I had in the car that I’d totally forgotten about when I had my initial clear out. I had about a week of taking them daily and then stopped for a week. But when this weekend came round I felt I deserved a break again so I took pills Friday Saturday Sunday Monday. Today I feel lethargic and short tempered. A 5am wake up with the baby didn’t help but that is something I need to be able to manage and I didn’t do well, being short tempered and full of self pity.
I’m trying to stay positive and not beat myself up. I’ve just flushed 60 pills down the toilet and won’t take any today.
It seems another thing that added to the trigger this time was that my mom was prescribed amitriptyline a few weeks ago for a nerve pain condition. She told me how it knocked her out at night and she slept the best she’s slept for months. She’s been having a difficult time after my dad died 18 months ago. Then she went through lockdown coinciding with a breast cancer diagnosis, surgery and radiotherapy. When she said she was was taking pills which helped her check out I thought “I want a piece of that too” and it somewhat gave me permission to start taking pills again.
I think what I’m really struggling with is accepting my limits as a person. I feel like I can never be enough, not a good enough dad, spouse, son, clinician at work, boss, friend. Not good enough at coping with stress, at sobriety, at staying calm and collected. I’m often the one holding it together for everyone, my family, people at work etc and feel shame when I can’t cope myself.
Thanks for listening. Today is a new day. The sun is shining which always helps me. If I go for a thirty minute run and do a guided meditation that will also help before I head to work later this morning. All is not lost, just needed to offload.
Hi Mark,
Thanks for having the courage to post about this. I’m going to say a couple things you might not want to hear.
While your AF day count is solid, I don’t think you’re going to find much support for the case that your sobriety is intact. Taking stashed drugs to take the edge off is not sober responsible behavior.
Second, I can guarantee that if you do not make sobriety your #1 priority, all those other priorities you put in front of it will go away. No job, no baby, no sick mother. Find a way to make room for sobriety. The statement that others will feel shame if you do not cope for yourself is cockeyed. You are in charge of your actions, not others’ reactions.
Retrench yourself and understand that you are on day 1 of sobriety and get after that as if your life depends on it. Because it does.
Feel free to tell me to go pound sand. Your truth may not be as clearly defined as what I’m picking up, and I could be wrong.
Lordy do I know the feeling. I think so many of us do. At some point in our pasts we developed this core belief that we weren’t enough. We developed a belief that we were insufficient in some way. And that’s a really disabling thought to have. And it makes us feel despair.
(The feeling of being insufficient is a lie; we are being absolute and black-and-white in our thinking: I’m either the perfect dad, or I’m a failure.)
And then we stumbled into addiction. And it numbed that feeling. And escaping from that feeling, felt nice. It was so nice to not have that unworthy, incapable feeling pressing down on us.
But ultimately it’s a lie. The truth is that we can and we must learn that we are good enough and we are capable of doing what we need to do, and being what we need to be, in life. We may have some adjustments to make - for example, we may need to learn to listen to ourselves and communicate our needs with others (an important skill!) - but we are human, same as everyone else, and therefore we are capable of learning to live and succeed, sober.
You’re a good person Mark, and you’re good enough - you are what you need to be. Keep checking in here and remember: you’re a good person who deserves a safe, sober life where you can be your full self.
Thanks @SinceIAwoke and ouch. I appreciate the honesty and the spirit with which it was delivered.
I struggle with this:
I ‘get’ that sobriety is more than just not drinking or using. But can I ask what making sobriety your number one priority looks like for you, or for others? Just it just mean dedicating some time daily to it somehow, going to AA, writing here daily, quitting my job and doing something less stressful, addiction therapy? What does this actually look like and what do I actually do?? I’m sorry if that’s a dumb question.
If I’m honest part of the issue is not really accepting it myself. One moment I think it’s really not that bad, I’ve got it under control, family is generally happy, job going well, financially secure, fit and healthy. I think perhaps I’ve just got all perfectionist about alcohol and need to just relax and take a drink like everyone else. But then I realise I’m sneaking outside to take from a stash of benzos I’ve hidden in my car. Over the years I’ve stolen then from family members and acquired them by other dodgy means that could land me in hot water.
And then I realise that’s NOT AT ALL ok.
Where do I go from here? I’m sober tonight and have no pills in the house and no way of acquiring them, and no desire to use, taking a hot bath and going to bed early. But now what?
You have a set of habits and escape routes that we all do as addicts. All of us have times and spaces and objects that are associated with using. If we’re clean but haven’t worked to change those escape routes, then they’re still in place for the next time life has an emotional or unexpected moment (which for most of us is the cue to escape & “check out”).
There’s a saying: move a muscle, change a thought. This is an element of the kind of structural change you need. There’s physical movement, new routines, new places to begin introducing to your lifestyle.
Have you looked into moving a muscle to attend a meeting?
Hi Mark, Those are all fine questions! In a sense, making sobriety a top priority might be easier for guys like me, whose addiction was more destructive with more severe consequences. My freedom from jail, my tenuous hold on my relationship, my continued employment, all hinged on abstinence and I did not want to have a miserable alcohol free existence. Abstinence left a huge void in my life, so replacing that took a ton of psychic and physical energy.
What sobriety as the top priority in my life looks like today is about setting myself up to be sober no matter what. Most days I get up at 4:30 and I almost always get up ahead of anyone else in the house. While I clean out my wood stove and make my coffee, I express gratitude for another day of sobriety and ask for guidance for the day. I read the day’s entry in “24 hours a day” and contemplate on It. I read a quote about death and contemplate that. 2-3 mornings a week I attend an AA meeting online. Meetings in Holland and England work for that schedule for me. As I move through my work day, I try to keep my ego and my tongue in check. At lunch time I check in on TS. In the evenings I get my workouts done. I’m an amateur triathlete, so there is no off-season.
At various times, I’ve done other stuff. Worked the 12 steps of AA with a sponsor, some daily journaling, 5-6 AA meetings a week including service work at the local and state levels, yoga, daily guided meditation, different readings, individual counseling and group therapy.
I identify myself first as an alcoholic, a recovered alcoholic. I set up my actions to align with my intention to stay sober during that day. I do what works for me, and try what works for others. I went on a men’s retreat weekend because some guys swear by them. Meh, I tried it and it didn’t really move me one way or another. But I met solid dudes and heard about other people’s struggles that I could identify later as mine, too.
A thing my first sponsor said that has stuck with me is “Every day since we got sober is gravy”. I stay grateful for each sunrise. I’ve learned through physical training that the guy who does one more rep, one more set when his brain is screaming to stop is the one who gains victory over himself. And I stay honest with myself and others, particularly my sponsor. When I have doubt or weakness or fear, I take it to him to express it and so lighten my load, and to keep practicing the skill of seeking help and accepting it.
I’m sober tonight and have no pills in the house
Then you’re a winner for today. Not only is that good enough, it’s all that matters. We only really have today and if you got to the finish line clean and sober, then hooray for you!
Namaste, brother 
Thanks @SinceIAwoke and @CapriciousCapricorn for your replies. It helped me gather the courage to confide more about my pill use with my therapist. I’ve seen her for about four years and never really addressed the subject head on. It felt good to share the burden and not carry the shame alone.
Thanks for sharing your own experiences and rituals. Yes. I find it difficult to maintain consistency with these things and I guess I have seen the consequences of not paying attention to my sobriety. It is very easy to let life overtake my self care. In fact my time for self care often feels self indulgent. But I realise that is illogical and counter productive so I will work on that.
Thanks again
Honestly I find the idea of attending a meeting terrifying. I’m afraid of meeting someone I know and then finding out. I think I’m also afraid that doing so would make everything a whole lot more real than I’m ready to accept …
That’s understandable. Fear is understandable. You’re been running from life - escaping into addiction and numbness - for so many years. The idea of standing and facing life - the idea that you can face the unpredictabilities of life without escaping - is intimidating.
Unpredictability is part of life. Everyone faces it. One unpredictable thing is whether or not you’ll see someone you know, at a meeting.
Health and progress come from accepting and adapting to unpredictability, in sober ways. There are a lot of techniques that we learn, to do this. One is attending groups, where programs include coaching on handling emotions and learning how to live with the ups and downs and surprises of life - without using drugs.
www.NA.org is an option; there are others here:
Resources for our recovery
You can’t keep running Mark. It’s killing you, slowly. You’re alive but you’re not living. You need to live brother.
I know you’re scared. Do it anyway.
I know it’s intimidating. Do it anyway.
I know you don’t think you can show your face. Do it anyway.
You’re a good man Mark and you deserve a safe, sober life where you can be your full, healthy self. Look deep, decide you want this, and then do whatever it takes to make it happen. You have permission to do anything safe and legal, to make this happen. (And that includes showing your face at a meeting. There’s no shame in needing to be healthy. In fact, it’s something you should be proud of.)