It’s been a while since I’ve been on here…I’ve been really solid with be sober. Well solid enough. I went for 2+ months without touching anything. Then I had one good night and chose to celebrate with some …now I’ve been back to the 1-2 week relapse or even the 2 day, like rn.
I’ve changed my life around. I left the nightlife industry. Left the people I’d party with. And left the places that would trigger me.
My cravings have been absolutely insane and I can’t fight them. It’s like the addict part of my brain takes over and I’m using again. Not even with anyone or doing anything. Just hold up in my apartment blowing lines like a fucking fool til I can’t sleep and it ruined my the next day.
I’ve got a new gf in my life who I’ve exposed to this shit and now that’s starting to go down the drain. The financial issues I faced are starting to come back. And last week I had a full mental breakdown and panic attack after using and had to call out of work. But for some reason Im back here again at 6am with no sleep in sight and work in 5/6 hours. I’m fucking myself again and it hurts but idk what to do. .
I know I need to start going to meetings and get more outside help. I just can’t do this alone anymore and fuck up my life again…I guess I’m just venting in hopes in pits me to sleep but this hurts and i just wanna break down and cry. Why is this such a struggle for me. I wish I could be the average person who just goes out has fun and comes home to sleep. I’m dying on the inside.
Hi @RecoveringGhost this is a struggle for you because your NOT going to meetings and your NOT getting outside help this is procrastination we can’t do this alone and we must put everything we have into our sobriety in the same way as we put it into our DOC . Cocaine (I’m guessing it’s cocaine) is such a shit poison to make you depressed I used to come out of those episodes completely unable to speak to anyone du to the shame and utter devastation of the sheer amount of MONEY I’d wasted and not knowing why I said the shit we ramble aimlessly about that make no seance to us the next day . You are an average person but you are an addict who is very sick right now . In the future you will be able to go out have fun and come home to bed but staying away from those places right now is an absolute must for you , you cannot handle these places right now and you have to completely change your life . Go to that meeting and do exactly as others who are thriving and getting sober do . I wish you well my friend sending love to you today well done for coming back
Yip everything comes back and you are aware of your problem but you still do it unless we seek help things will get worse , get to meetings get a sponsor get a home group get on the program lots of GETS there but no NOTS WISH YOU WELL
I’ll echo Ray. Get a God, get a book & get a sponsor or you’ll continue to keep getting the same outcome. Please try something different, friend. You do deserve happiness.
Contrary to what is stated above, there are also options that do not involve a higher power (of whatever persuasion), should the idea of that put you off like it does me.
Having said that, the message is the same: start doing things to work your recovery, it isn’t going to magically happen and you cannot expect the days to start racking up without putting in sustained effort. Good luck!
its okay to feel bad for using again , but dont beat yourself down so bad you stay stuck. Feel what youre feeling and know this isnt what you want or wanna be.
Welcome to TS, @Shell38621. I am sorry to read you had a slip up, maybe you can take comfort from the fact that a) you have done 1 year before and know what is required and b) you have found a community of people who will support and encourage you. Just keep checking in and sharing your progress and struggles with us, it really does help!
Thank you. It helped to get this off my chest a bit. It’s terrible watching yourself slip again and not feeling able to control it.
I took a couple different steps this time, and starting going to meetings today. I’ve also reached out to family and let them understand what I’m going through.
I have no intentions of dragging anyone into this but i know I can’t do it completely alone anymore. So today is the first 24hrs again, and we get back to our sobriety.
They’ve been good. went to some virtual & in-person meetings. I haven’t gotten a sponsor, but I should. trying to do this alone is kicking my ass but I’ve been pretty solid.
That’s really what life comes down to. Not just addiction. Everything. I tried doing it alone t for 50 years and it got me nowhere. Sober and clean at least I can work on a healthier better life. We’re in this together friend.
@RecoveringGhost
I absolutely get what ur saying in ur post. And im so glad to read that u started attending mtgs This is fantastuc!! Sponsorship is crucial so that u can really get the most out of what the book has to offer. Are u attending CA, NA, AA or a different 12 step program?
For me, one of the biggest keys to my recovery was acceptance. True, genuine, internal acceptance that i am NOT like other people. I used to fight this and try to make myself into one of “those” people but in all reality i will never be like the normies. Once i accepted that i am an addict thru n thru, it was much easier to be recovery focused. It was almost a relief in a sense bcuz then i could begin my 100% abstinent journey, without drugs and alcohol.
Hope things continue to go well for u! Sending u so much strength and hope in ur journey.
Yes as @Butterflymoonwoman said, acceptance is key the internal and honest with ourselves. We have to remember always that we are addict and we cannot do it outself so i believe my higher power can do it
…now I’ve been back to the 1-2 week relapse or even the 2 day, like rn.
its okay to feel bad for using again , but dont beat yourself down so bad you stay stuck. Feel what youre feeling and know this isnt what you want or wanna be.
This is fantastuc!! Sponsorship is crucial so that u can really get the most out of what the book has to offer. Are u attending CA, NA, AA or a different 12 step program?