I had a few freak outs the last few days. Mind you in my head because I wanted to drink. I wanted to feel the burn of that beautiful whiskey hit the back of my throat. I’ve been extremely worried about this upcoming holiday and how I would spend it. If I would just sleep all day, forget to take of myself and force my self to stay inside for fear of given in. I decided to buy some non alcoholic wine and beer. And watch ALOT of bad Korean tv shows, Seth Rogen, Adam Sandler, Mel Brooks and Woody Allen movies. Stock up on junk food and just in case I get bored I have a few books ready to go with my nicotine vape. I have my list of to dos ready and waiting. I don’t know if it’s going to work but here goes nothing to me takin an active role in keeping busy instead of giving in.
When I sit in silence and just listen to that deep inner voice, the one that has lived inside of me since birth, I can feel my truths.
In drink there is a shallow release that leaves me broken swimming at the bottom. Lies all lies that liquid brown has wooven into the fabric of my soul.
Like a switch my being changes. Bright idea thinking I call it. That warmth in my gut turns deeper still until the door behind closes to a darkened room full of self doubt and shame.
Lost and alone my feelings hang like shiny medals clanking off the hollow sound in my skull. The sadness creeps in. I thought it would fix me but no it pulls me under, separates me further until I cut out all the joy on purpose.
Consuming everthing in my path I never find the balance that is one petition away.
So simple truth its like it was hidden in front of me the entire time.
Close the cap put the glass jar back up on the shelf. Catch the glistening reflection from the corner of the kitchen window.
Spring in full bloom waiting for discovery. Open the gate as the hinge swings back. I see a new way to release.
Deep breathe consuming the true power I sense that voice guiding me home.
Drinking will not hide my pain it will just prolong it. Place it on lay away for the day that I finally decide to love myself again.
Love this.
Awesome post, that’s how I feel!!!
It’s just shows I’m not alone…
That was beatiful
Beautiful…