so my disease caught up to me quickly and as i explained in previous posts that id been drinking and lying to everyone. well my sober living community i live at droppped on me. instead of being honest i told them to send it to the lab. well of course it came back positive because i was dirty. my trial for custody with my son is november 11th! his dad has always wanted connor to himself and my disease and selfish ass more than likely just gave him that. he has already been planning to buy a house over50 miles away and now with this relapse i dont know that i even have A CHANCE. i will say that our judge is trauma informed and he is emotionally abusive towards me. hes really mean. im not saying its his fault that i used. but when you hear that your a bad mom and your better off giving your child to him bc youll never stay clean a person can only hear that so often. so i self soothe. i drink and i started using meth. i wish when i had dropped dirty i had just told the truth then bc i still continued to use instead of letting these amazing people here help me. the judge loves this community bc its one of gthe best for women and children. but they have helped me and they are at the point where they dont know what else to do for me… these were my choices. i feel like i have already lost my son and his dads so mean that he would make it almost impossible to ever see him again. hes already asked for a guardian at litem and now i just fucked up to the point that if i lose connor idk if ill even make it back. i prayed to God though to intervene bc i couldnt stop. i asked him to get me caught. and he did so i know theres a plan he has for me. thats how i know God does love me. he knew i needed help.
H.P. AS GUIDE
See to it that your relationship with Him is right, and great events will come to pass for you and countless others. This is the Great Fact for us.
ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 164
Having a right relationship with God seemed to be an impossible order. My chaotic past had left me filled with guilt and remorse and I wondered how this “God business” could work. A.A. told me that I must turn my will and my life over to the care of God, as I understand Him. With nowhere else to turn, I went down on my knees and cried, “God, I can’t do this. Please help me!” It was when I admitted my powerlessness that a glimmer of light began to touch my soul, and then a willingness emerged to let God control my life. With Him as my guide, great events began to happen, and I found the beginning of sobriety.