Every beer. Every bottle of liquor. Every shot alone in my isolated room is like a bullet in a six shot gun. I buy the booze, I load the chamber, and I spin the cylinder. I pull the trigger and somehow, I made it out alive. Sometimes, I get so drunk I actually feel sober. My body is in survival mode and trying to process the poison I pour into it. I lived another day, albeit hungover and miserable the next day. But I keep going. That is the course of my “functional” alcoholic life. I have lived like this for over 20 years. Somehow I have survived a third marriage and she is holding on. She knows I have a problem, but I don’t think I can put her through much more of this. She goes to bed, and I keep drinking and fade into obscurity. I awake promising I will get help and never do it again. But I find myself back to the grocery store beer isle, convenience store, local bar, or liquor store.
What kind of life is this? While my job doesn’t pay the best, I do what I love what I do. I work on machines, computers, solve problems and work with smart people. So what the f**k is the problem with me?
Functional alcoholic. But for how long? When does that cylinder line up with the barrel? Bang… my life over. I already survived a DUI arrest back in 2015. I burdened my father having to drive me to work, see me through court and alcohol classes. I have lived through the most embarrassing moments, and awakened sore and bruised not remembering what I did the night before. What is next if I keep drinking?
I am considering regular AA meetings. I feel like I need a kick in the ass to get the help I need. There is a meeting in my area tomorrow and I really need to muster up the courage to go.
I don’t mean to sound self-indulgent. I want to know that there is someone out there that feels the way I do. Whether you are currently an alcoholic seeking help, recovering, or a veteran in sobriety, I want to be sober and live a normal life. I don’t want to be encapsulated in this shell of alcoholism anymore.
There’s lots of people here that have gone through very similar to you. Your story is your story and individual to you, Although there are many stories here that have many similarities.
You do have to have a beginning. Going to the meeting. Sounds good. Getting involved here. Sounds good. This site has lots of threads. Lots of information. Lots of resources. And lots of peer support. You can do this. Doing it with support, knowledge, and companionship, with other people with similar problems will be very helpful to you
Again, welcome to the site.
Hey there friend, welcome to this wonderful bunch of people. I think all of us here can relate to what you are describing. I know I’ve been there. I vowed every morning I would not ever go back to the bottle. By 9 pm I was drunk and full of self hatred. I quit 2.5 years ago and have been sober since. I quit, when I realized, that I wanted more than mere existance. I wanted my life back.
It sounds like you are at a point, where you finally want someting better for yourself as well. But you got to put in the work. Noone can do it for you. Coming here, looking for support is a really great first step. You don’t have to do it alone. The people here have helped me on my journey to sobriety and been a pillar in my recovery ever since. Taking that first step was the best thing I’ve ever done. Letting people take my hand and help me on the way, was the second best. It’s gonna be worth it. I promise.
Here are some threads that might give you a few ideas how to make it happen. Looking forward to seeing you around
Been there done that. Now I am waiting to get on the transplant list. Hope you don’t get to this point. At least you’re talking about it. I wish I did. Thanks for sharing!
Hello and welcome. The early days suck for sure, and the old cliche is so true, One Day At a Time…. ODAAT! You will certainly have more motivation when you get the poison out of your system and wake without a hangover and less regrets each day. Life will become clearer and meaningful. I have been where you are…. Having to wake and start drinking just to function. Hang out with everyone here, put the work in and stay strong. Sending you a warm hug and encouragement.
Welcome! 20+ year alcoholic here who has been sober 2+ years.
This is a great community to talk out frustrations, to get advice and to share your wins. Sobriety is possible but you’ve got to fight for it. Get to fighting and let us know how we can help.
Wow, congrats on 5 days! You are right , it is hard. But I am taking it a day at a time. It is 7:30pm (est) and I am sober. Day 1 isn’t so hard when I am hung over. It’s the days after when that pain has long past,
Well then, good news is you kind of already did the first part of what was suggested to me.
Write it out. Right now fresh off day 1. All the hell that drinking puts you through. What you may find instead if you can get free of it all. Put a pen to paper and get it down in a note you carry with you
You’ve got a good start in what you shared. Then the second part is, when that demon comes creeping back, when we start to forget, when we’re thinking a drink might not be that bad, pull it out and read it. Remember how you feel today.
And believe that we do recover. It can be so much better. Just don’t drink today, no matter what. And then we got a chance for a hell of a lot more.
You will certainly have more motivation when you get the poison out of your system and wake without a hangover and less regrets each day. Life will become clearer and meaningful. I have been where you are…. Having to wake and start drinking just to function. Hang out with everyone here, put the work in and stay strong. Sending you a warm hug and encouragement. 