Hey there friend, welcome to this wonderful bunch of people. I think all of us here can relate to what you are describing. I know I’ve been there. I vowed every morning I would not ever go back to the bottle. By 9 pm I was drunk and full of self hatred. I quit 2.5 years ago and have been sober since. I quit, when I realized, that I wanted more than mere existance. I wanted my life back.
It sounds like you are at a point, where you finally want someting better for yourself as well. But you got to put in the work. Noone can do it for you. Coming here, looking for support is a really great first step. You don’t have to do it alone. The people here have helped me on my journey to sobriety and been a pillar in my recovery ever since. Taking that first step was the best thing I’ve ever done. Letting people take my hand and help me on the way, was the second best. It’s gonna be worth it. I promise.
Here are some threads that might give you a few ideas how to make it happen. Looking forward to seeing you around 