I do not come here much any more because, seemingly, I cannot do it. I relapse so often that it would be useless to bother anyone about it. Day after superbowl i embarrassed myself in front of a friend by stumbling and falling. I hate alcohol and yet it is like the Pied Piper. I have never been slave to anything before. I only started drinking 4 years ago, after an unbearable tragedy. But then I started with a vengeance…whole quarts of spirits at once…and I am a very small person…i am quite surprised i am still alive even. I go for about three days sober and then go around like an automaton and then yield to the Call of Alcohol because I canot seem to stand it. Ugh. I am supposed to get some meds next month. I Still want to try, though and I am trying again tonight. Btw some Binaural beats are pretty soothing. You have to try out many of them on YouTube and see which ones are pleasing to you.
It is no bother to anyone here. If you still want to try, we still want to listen. Meds can be helpful if you are in the right frame of mind. But they can only ever be a support. Have you ever been to any meetings or read any quit lit? Try to get your mind as set as it can be so the meds can be as effective as possible.
I say this as I have used meds twice. First, I was just deperate and given up and just wanted the option of drinking taken away from me (i.e. I wasn’t really willing to put the work in). I tried Campral to reduce cravings, and kept drinking, and then got a medicine that made me ill when I drank, and I still kept drinking so gave up on the meds. Finally, I joined AA, and started working for my sobriety. I had some Campral left, so I took it, and this time I felt it helped. But by the time I had finished my leftovers I was secure-ish in my sobriety and didn’t get anymore.
I cannot go to meetings. I am disabled, I cannot drive, etc. Quitlit…yes, I do read on the subject. Somehow the Pied Piper manages to convince me that just a little is okay. Ugh.
There are online meetings. I live in a country that doesn’t speak English, I have only been to online meetings. There is a great variety, religious, agnostic, for women, for young people, for LGBT etc.
Would they see my ugly face? I do not mean to be negative but I had a facial injury which left my face deformed.
For people like us a little will never be ok, thats the first thing youve gotta get your head round and accept…we cannot control it and never will be able to…ever…its like an allergy…for us its poison…if i eat cheese i get a guaranteed severe migraine in a few days time…so i dont eat cheese…i think of alcohol the same way…once you can accept that fully then your healing can begin
You can turn your camera off if you do not want to be seen 
You can keep your camera off (the vast majority of the time). I have been to one woman’s meeting where they asked you to put it on just to check you were actually female and then you could turn it off again.
I don’t believe your face is ugly. What ugly even mean? Nobody is ugly. You’re surely a very lovely person in your heart 
I wouldn’t mind to see a face telling a story. Sure there’s a reason why your face is unique in the way it is. People who judge based on appearance were not given much intelligence and I feel for them. But there’s no way I’d give their judgement any value. You care only about people who are understanding and kind. These people matter. The rest can go and figure out their own insecurities leading them to their behaviour 
Here we love each other because we found connections in alike struggles and we’re here to help each other not to judge. That’s what I like about people at this forum and any other people going through addiction. We have something in common and so we’re understanding to each other. And that surely applies to the meetings too 
oh man, this thread is super sad. I’m sorry you’re in that place. it’s great you reached out here and you should continue to do so!
have you sought therapy to come to terms w the tragedy that set off your drinking? as well as your disability? I have a feeling that your sobriety hinges on finding a way to live well with these things, not avoid them through drinking and isolation.
big hug.
Keep coming back, you’re not bothering anyone. I’ve been exactly where you are now feeling like there’s no way out from the giant hole I kept digging myself. Change is hard. If it was easy, places like this wouldn’t be needed.
I second online meetings. InTheRooms have scheduled meetings at all hours, including AA groups and pretty much every flavour of sobriety. I used to just sit in and listen to other people’s stories. You don’t need to turn your camera on, or even interract with the group if you don’t feel ready.