Thank you very much for this. What you say is exactly what I’ve been needing to hear this week. It’s the reason I turned to AA this time around and all that’s been keeping me together recently.
I generally hedge away from posting this stuff out of deference to the program. Respectfully I share anyway, should it help anyone else… I know I wondered what it’s all about.
I tried my way and even others before. To be fair, what I learned from other programs gave me very important tools that helped tremendously even now. And prior relapses were a path along the way, planting seeds I needed to fully appreciate my addiction.
It’s now been… oh snap. A whole month I’ve been going to meetings 3-4 nights/week. The night I shared after picking up my 30 day chip I got snapped up by a sponsor. He’s been helping in surprising ways I didn’t know I needed. Frankly I wish he’d bust my @$$ more, but he has a more patient approach. (Slowing down might be a thing I need to work on anyway…)
So this week’s been rough. It’s where I fell down before. That just as I was getting sober and thinking clearly, I started taking inventory and felt completely overwhelmed. Surely I could now take on these challenges, but there are so many and I’ve been such a self-centered jerk! How do I even know where to go next? I was having an awful hard time staying in touch with my “Higher Power” as hope and desire for something better flickers out again and my anxious mind awakens to race in every direction.
And now that’s when I go back to the rooms. That’s new and different for me. However I’m feeling, those people know. When I’m in doubt and I lose sight, I can witness the struggle and growth in them. If I struggle with my HP, they can be it in much the same way y’all are. They’re sober and happy, so they’re already way higher than me in that regard. (They also have a wicked sense of humor which helps! 
)
That last part and everything @Hefeyaka said saved my ass this week from giving up again. It’s time to bolster some peace and courage and actually work for those rewards.
30 to 45 day mark has been my hurdle, and I havent been past it in over 6 years.
Living in chains is not living at all, and I urge you to find a way to another day sober. Feeling overwhelmed is at least feeling. Remember that place you came from? That place of insanity and endless hopelessness as you slinked away from reality into the drink or drug? That place is calling you back, and it employs devious tactics. It will tell you there is nothing in sobriety for you. It will tell you it is easier to be addicted. It will tell you that you are bored with this effort required. It will tell you that a little complacency is okay and won’t lead to your recovery’s demise this time.
You know of course that you are being lied to by the thing that you are so desperately crawling away from. How do you respond?
Keep a cool head and use those newly acquired resources you have found through meetings. Hell, the people in those rooms did it and continue to do it, you can too.
Have you changed any hobbies or started hanging out with different people (outside of aa peeps) since you got sober? A change of scenery can be helpful to recovery. One of my triggers is idle time at my home. I enjoyed using then, seemed almost natural bc i had done it so long. This is not a healthy react to a common occurrence. I encourage you to try and identify anything and everything that could be a potential danger to your sobriety and do all in your power to rid yourself of those influences.
It sounds like you are right where you need to be, great going on the quit. I didnt realize until after i wrote the above anecdote that this thread was a month or so old, however I am glad it was read. Keep coming back, @Eke, we are all on your side and wish to see you stay the course.
It is tough, but you can certainly prevail.
Keep on course.
2 Likes