I want to say how do you explain to someone that being around alchohol day in and day out because he drinks everyday after work is an issue for me and does not help me.with recovery? His excuse I am a liar and he doesnt have a drinking problem. Mind you he once told me he would stop so for a week it appeared as tho he had then we went to dinner and it was the same old shit. A few drinks in he admits he had been drinking before I got home. But he can quite any time and he doesnt have a problem!
When do you have to say enough is enough and walk away regardless of how nasty they are and blame you? I know I have done some not so nice things, i know i am stubborn and hard headed. I even come off as cold at times.
But i am also a survivor of abuse rape child hood trauma and still managed to stand on my own two feet. When I relapse yep its my fault fully I made the choice to take that drink. I guess for me to grow up and take responsibility as I was told I dont that includes removing the alchohol from my life including the person that’s drinking it. We have been together almost 3 years the last two years are when I started drinking heavily. Sadly! I didnt drink before that. I want me back and I cant get that with him since it’s my problem not his.
Here I though loving someone ment doing what was necessary to support them? I say this but i know everyone has a braking point. Because i have been on the other side with someone who was a drug user and chose the drugs over his family not once but twice. I know what it feels like to be on both sides of thus coin. This is the point a year ago i would have gotten smashed to not cope with what was going on. Today I feel like I am gaining ground. I wanted to last night and the fighting went on most of the night. I got 3 hours of sleep and am.working a 12, 14 if you count my drive time. But I didnt get smashed. I cant help that he doesnt see how or why his drinking effects me. But i know i cant keep this up with him.
If he has shown he won’t change, and you can’t be in the relationship without drinking then it appears your only option is to leave.
This is a case of the irresistible force colliding with the immovable object, which according to physics is a universe-ending event.
You cannot be with someone who drinks. He refuses to stop drinking. You can keep slamming into this, or you can move in a different direction.
I’m in the same situation and I know it’s not so easy to just walk away from the ones we love. Every night it’s a fight and it’s getting old. We both have a hard decision to make. Wishing you the best with whatever you decide. 
It is hard to give up. But I guess where I am at is do I love myself enough to get better and make the choice to do so? Or am I going to continue to live like this constantly having my mistake thrown in my face being called a cunt and two faced bitch in front of my kids or do I change my life regardless of the fear I have if the unknown? I know I have a long term support system. I cant help but feel like his nastiness towards me is because I have no family here I have no one. He even helped to drive the wedge between the one part of my family i did talk to so i no longer talk to them. He puts me down saying i have no one because everyone is tired of my shit. Yet i dont talk to anyone except people whom new me before i ever drank. An then i was accused of sleeping with them. Both are married with kids and when i am with them there wives are with us because we are all friends. I am not perfect but i dont desiver this.
I know it’s a tough decision to leave, but what he’s doing is domestic violence. I worked in that field before and it’s my experience that those situations generally get worse rather than improve. I will pray that you find the strength to make the decision that is best for you.
Ask yourself, does being with him make your life, as well as the lives of your kids better? What will change, if you were to leave him? Is he the father of any/all? Is it a divorce or a breakup that would be the issue (apologies if you mentioned previously and I missed these details), as a divorce is infinitely more complicated?
It would be divorce. He is not the father of any of my children. My two older kids, father passed away and we had to lay him to rest 9 years ago. My youngest lives with me but a different father no problems there.
So issues of custody, visitation, and child support don’t apply. You mentioned earlier that you work, so I am assuming you can provide for yourself and them at some level. Many times it’s a choice of staying with the toxic partner or homelessness. If you divorced, who would leave the home?
Is talking to a therapist an option?
Only 3 years and all that. Time to rethink and stand on your own 2 feet again if it’s easy to do…if not counseling maybe? I wish you the best and please stay sober for you!!
I already have been but when telling him anything they have said I am lieing. Example: that it can be hard for someone to quite drinking when they are exposed to it all the time. I was told that’s a lie and he doesnt have a problem and he shoukdnt have to change.
I bought the home before we were married I am the only one who pays the mortgage and the home is in my name only, yes I can afford my Bill’s. He is the one whom would be Homeless and I dont think he could make it part of why I have felt bad and not taken the steps yet. But he now has no responsibility (the child that did live in my own of his) that child moved away and is 18 now. So in away I didnt want to put his child out as of a few days ago that is no longer an issue.
So, based on what I am hearing, the only thing keeping you in this relationship is your good will, and he’s done little to be deserving of it.
You deserve to live as you want, and you want sober. It’s your house. You are the queen. He’s not king by virtue of the marriage, he’s the queen’s consort.
I’m relieved you’re talking to someone! I also hope your kids are receiving that benefit, too.
Personally, I’d have to rethink my commitment to someone who is forcing me to choose between them and my sobriety. Anything I put before my sobriety, I’ll lose anyway.
I feel for you Nikki, but I would cut my losses. He needs to get help for himself and quit bringing you down and in front of your kids! I say to you what I would want someone to say to me, get out while the getting’s good and you and yours can go somewhere and heal.
It sucks having a caring heart and feeling bad for others. It has put me in this situation. I ask myself what ifs, but the fact is it is what it is. He is right he doesnt have to change and I dont have to be around him. Thank you all for helping me process the evenings events.
I’m a firm believer that you can’t make anyone else quit…even if they have a problem. But if it is affecting your sobriety then you don’t have to stay and take it. Your sobriety MUST be your number one focus…it’s the only way you can give to others later. So take care of you. If that means leave…then leave. Who knows, it might be the best thing for both of you and you’ll be able to come together again later.