My story is fresh and I’m very ashamed - your kindness is appreciated
Alcohol has taken so much from me, and now it’s coming for my marriage. The one sacred, stable area of my life that I am eternally grateful for. This is my nightmare. Here’s how I got here.
Two days ago, I went out to “boozy bingo” which is exactly what it sounds like. It was to celebrate my 35th birthday. It was just me and my husband - a date night out. The drinks were flowing and the music was thumping, we both were having a good time. By the time bingo ended, I had had four drinks in 3 hours. I’d already had 2-3 drinks to “pregame” before this. I thought taking an edible was a great idea too, so down the hatch it went. I wanted to “feel good” and “enjoy the night” so when bingo ended around 10:30pm, clearly that meant there was plenty of time left in the night.
I wish with every cell in my body that I could tell myself to go home at this moment. Just go home and get in pajamas, and sober up.
But, regrettably, our night continued. We Ubered to a small dive bar where I used to be a regular. I immediately ordered a double. Then later came the shots. I remember doing at least 2 shots but I’m sure there were more. For context, I am only 5’2” and about 135lbs. This meant I also blacked out for parts of the night.
Unfortunately, the parts I’d most like to forget are seared into my brain with a cattle prod. At some point, a woman came up to me and complimented my tattoo. I remember my husband replying that it was his favorite tattoo. As time passed, I spoke more with the woman and my husband started joking with this woman’s partner. Everyone was getting along well. Those two (or more) shots I mentioned? We did those with this couple. She mentioned that we should all hang out sometime and I closed one eye to focus long enough and put my number in her phone. She immediately called the number and my caller ID lit up with her name. I remember thinking “ha, her first and last name rhyme, that’s funny.” And then somewhere after another group shot, I turned and asked her partner out of the blue “do you mind if I kiss her?” (I’m bi. My husband knows this.) Her partner said he didn’t care. I wish he cared. I wish he said no. Because all I remember is the beginning of the kiss. I don’t remember the middle or the end. I don’t remember anyone’s immediate reaction. But I sure as hell remember my husband saying “I can’t believe you cheated on me right in front of me.” It has been echoing in my brain nonstop.
And I was so drunk, I couldn’t tell you how I reacted or how I replied. Because I don’t remember. I remember awkwardly going outside and being offered a joint, which I puffed on. I don’t remember the ride home. I only remember suddenly being home, sitting on the couch as my husband cried as he ate leftover pizza, and he said that he couldn’t believe I didn’t care. I didn’t ask him if it was ok. I just did it. I kissed her. No hesitation. I remember clumsily trying to explain that it was a split second decision that I immediately regretted. And then he said the D word: divorce. “I want a divorce.” I remember crying and then suddenly being in bed.
I woke up only a few hours later. I was too drunk when we got home to safely take my sleep aid. I immediately started bawling and turned to my husband in bed. He was asleep but I could see on his face that it wasn’t peaceful sleep. I felt nauseous so I went in the bathroom and made myself vomit. I crawled back in bed and tried to touch my husband’s arm, and he ripped it away, no longer fully asleep. I laid there for several hours, berating myself ruthlessly in my head.
Of all the memories that popped up during this time I spent in my head, it was of my mom. An alcoholic who had cheated on my dad, also an alcoholic. She once told me, “I regret hurting your father as badly as I did.” My parents had a toxic relationship. Domestic abuse, drinking, cop calls. Despite this, my dad would have done anything for my mom. “I would have given her the world,” he told me. I hated their drinking. It was embarrassing and destructive. Yet here I was, walking in their wobbly footsteps.
So, I decided no more. No more drinking or any other substances. I hopped out of bed. I downloaded this app and started my sober timer. I went on a walk with some music. As my husband slept, I collected any alcohol or drugs in our house and threw them right in the garbage. I wrote him a note - along the lines of: “I know nothing I say will repair what I’ve done. I am deeply apologetic and I’m so sorry for cheating on you right in front of you. I am no longer going to drink or use any substances. I’m starting my sobriety journey. I hope we can get to a place where we can talk about this. I love you.” A few hours later as he was heading to the store, he saw the note and read it. I held my breath for his response. To my surprise, I saw his face soften and his eyes get sad. Then he turned to me, and walked over to give me a big long hug. I desperately held onto him and let the sadness flow through me.
I don’t know if my marriage can survive this. If I were my husband, I would probably leave. We are already in counseling for other issues, and now this. I can’t undo what I did. And I may never be forgiven. Alcohol has taken a lot from me and this time it might take my husband. My best friend. My life partner. My rock bottom wasn’t losing a job, or getting a DUI. It was a blurry almost-forgotten kiss with a stranger in a bar. The shame I feel right now is ripping my heart to shreds and I feel like the most lowlife person on the planet. I may have destroyed my entire life this weekend. My therapist said it’s an opportunity to do better and to heal, but all I feel is the pain right now. Alcohol has been a problem for me on and off but I always denied it being in control. Now it’s undeniable that I was never in control - it was a facade. I plan to go to my first AA meeting on Wednesday but I may go sooner. Somehow, my husband is still supporting me. He doesn’t think I need AA or any program, but I know I do. I need the community and the solidarity. Here’s to looking for life’s glimmers in this dark time.
. The nice thing about rock bottom is that you can only go up. The fate of your marriage may hang in the balance but I assure you, regardless of the outcome, your life will be much more fulfilled and happy in sobriety. Best wishes to you 
