Sober is a red flag?

Life in Recovery
6

I totally get it. Feels like there’s a lot of stigma around not drinking. I guess it comes down to how you convey the message too.

I don’t drink alcohol because I can’t just have one, I need to have 10, and drink until I black out, and I’ll do that multiple times per week.

Or

I don’t drink because it’s a health and fitness thing and I want to be around for my kids for as long as possible.

I’m on this app with other recovering alcoholics.

Or

Im on this social app that is a community for non drinkers.

Same answers, just different approaches!

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7

Can I ask how long sober you are?

Dating isn’t recommended until you’ve got a bit of time under your belt

But shout you’re sober from the rooftops- I wouldn’t be compatible with a party girl who likes to still go out - so that’s one of my red flags :triangular_flag_on_post:
Couldn’t think of anything worse

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8

There are other people who don’t drink out there. I would be more concerned if my date did drink.

I ended up marrying a man who doesn’t drink and I see it definitely as a bonus.

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9

Wow you’re married Olivia?

I’ve missed so much

Congratulations :partying_face:

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10

Yes, as of May 2023. I moved across the country to be with him and changed jobs as a result, too. Thank you!

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11

Amazing :star_struck:

Glad you’re happy :smiley:

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12

There are so many reasons for NOT drinking alcohol, why should this be a red flag? Or even an issue? You don’t drink. Fullstop.
Around my friends and pals, many people don’t drink alcohol.

Why?
I’m sober from alcohol because I had enough myself and decided I’m done and my alcoholic exhusband was a fullblown alcoholic in complete denial ruining our relationship with his drunken behaviour and change of character. When I get to the point I date again, I won’t tolerate drinking on our dates. I’m done with a drunken partner, potential partner or date. Basta.

From people I know: Two are allergic, four for health reasons and meds, one had enough resp. too much in the early 20s, one doesn’t like the taste, three don’t like the effect but like n/a alternatives tastewise, one for religious reasons, one stopped completely when becoming aware of an unhealthy relationship with alcohol.

I don’t drink alcohol doesn’t need an excuse, justification or whatever. You don’t ask people why they don’t eat sweets or don’t wear high heels. Not drinking is no big deal except someone makes it one. And from these people it’s better to stay away from my point of view.

Enjoy your dates. Sober. :cherry_blossom::heart:

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14

A year is recommended but there is no hard and fast rule

It’s because recovery :mending_heart: needs to come first and once you’ve got a solid enough foundation then it’s ok

As we know relationships are tough mentally and often recovery takes a back seat

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16

I know people who’ve started dating after a month sober and they’ve maintained their sobriety

Only you know in your heart whether you’re ready

Wish you the best of luck

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17

Here’s a post from another thread that helps explain why we should wait.

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18

From a certain point of view it is a red flag. If they cannot, on some level, understand that you dont drink…dont respect that you dont…that is the red flag…run like heck away from them.

Here’s the thing…there are butt tons of “normal” people that dont drink…not because they are alcoholics…just because it is their choice.

If not drinking isnt ok with a future partner, leave them on the curb with the trash

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19

What Thirdmonkey said x2!!

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20

For me, if they have a problem with me NOT drinking…I see it as rejection is god’s protection. I’m not interested in starting out fighting that uphill battle. I had to fight against those closest to me who didn’t want me to stop drinking when I got sober and I’m not interested in doing that again. Now, they either accept and respect me for who I truly am orrrrrr see yah!! My sobriety comes first, always. :heart:

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21

I’m not dating atm, but one of the points in my sober plan is:

Surround myself with positive people who support my recovery. Find my tribe.

So if you encounter people who don’t support your recovery actively or even passively, then what’s the point?

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22

I totally recognize this. From recent experience. A possible partner could be wary of the fact that apparently I am liable to show addictive behaviour. This can say something about my emotional stability and maturity, which can on its turn have an impact on my attachment style, how ready and safe I am to be in a relationship with.
I guess it depends how far you are in your recovery whether you are ‘safe’ to date or not. And it doesn’t only depend on you also. There will be persons who are compassionate and strong enough to be with you, supporting your effort to lead a better life, loving you for who you are.

I’m just honest about it, I’m working on myself, I not ashamed about it, I know where my addictive tendencies come from, it’s not my fault. It’s my responsibility now though and I’m doing my best to improve.

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23

This is an interesting topic. Youd be suprised at the amount of girls or guys who absolutely love people who do not drink. I met my partner 3 years ago and I had to explain to her that I had stopped drinking due to the impact it was having on my mental health. Unbeknownst to me she had been the victim of abuse from her previous partner due to his alcohol intake and she was delighted to know I was a non drinker. We now have a new born baby and things cant be better

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24

“Super single” ,thats great!!! Permission to use that please? :grinning::+1:t2:

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Wow- just reading and I’m starting to stress out! I’m 4 months sober and was first thinking I’d prefer a non-drinking partner (real me). Then I started thinking…’well, there aren’t that many singles out there, oh, maybe I have to cast a wider net than non-drinkers only…’ (old me) No! I have no business dating yet :grinning:. I’m still wish-washy and unsure of myself. That attracts icky controlling people! Need to continue sobriety and get the right attitude. :muscle:. (But it sure would be nice to go on a sober date…hehe)

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26

Absolutely :grin:

27

Well thanks very much :grinning::+1:t2: