Now that im a reformed alcoholic I realize im still the same asshole with fewer dents in my car. - Robin Williams
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A guy doesn’t walk into a bar…
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Two Irish guys walk out of a bar.
It could happen! 
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They said I need to stop hanging out with alcoholics if I want to stop drinking. So I stopped going to AA.
Just a joke. I still go to AA
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When you become a parent you have to stop drinking if it’s a problem. You can’t come home at 2:30am and say to your kid, here’s a switch, daddies gonna throw up on you!
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An alcoholic is driving home from the bar at 3am totally annihilated. He’s swerving between lanes and gets spotted by a patrol officer who then pulls him over. The cop asks the inebriated man where he’s headed at such a late hour. The drunk replies “I’m just going to a lecture, officer.” In disbelief the officer asks “Who would be giving a lecture this late?”
The alcoholic replies, “My wife.”
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Two men were drinking and driving. And a cop pulled them over. Before the cop approaches the window, the passenger tells the driver, “I’ve got an idea! Hurry! Take the label off of your beer bottle and stick it on your forehead. Trust me.”
So the driver complied. And when the officers approached the window, he shined his flashlight straight at the two men.
“Hello! Have you two been drinking?”
“No sireee, Mr. Officer,” the passenger replied with slurred speech, “In fact, we just got out of an AA meeting. As you can see, my friend here is on the patch.”
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Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
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“All right, let’s not panic: I’ll make the money back by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.” -Homer Simpson
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I have a step ladder. I never knew my real ladder. I’ve only heard he’s part of the 12 step program.
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How many addicts does it take to screw in a light bulb~1-the addict holds the bulb and the world revolves around them!
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I had a feeling that I had a drinking problem when I’d try to use someone else’s key fob to unlock my apartment door.
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An alcoholic, a meth user and a prostitute are all in one car. Who’s driving?..
The Police
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An alchoholic and an addict are sitting on a bench in the park.A beautiful woman walks by.The alchoholic nudges the addicts elbow and nods her direction saying " Id like to screw her!“the addict responds " out of what?”
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A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to The Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 – These men have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
‘That’s nice,’ she thinks, ‘but I want more.’
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’ Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at The Husband Store.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened The Wife Store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex, have money, and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth, and sixth floors have never been visited.
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Comedy gold lol
I didn’t make that one up so I won’t take credit for it. Here’s another one I found funny.
A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving all over the road. Eventually, a cop pulls him over.
“Did you know,” says the cop, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”
“Oh, thank goodness,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”
5 Likes
From Tom Papa:
I drink so much more now. And not that fun, happy hour kind of drinking. Ever since I had kids it’s more like the standing alone at the kitchen sink kind of drinking.
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. A drunk guy on the bus says, “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the drunk woman next to her, “That man just insulted me!” The woman says, “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
1 Like