I’ve downloaded and deleted this app a few times but never posted here. My husband and I have been together for almost two decades and have three children, two school age and one is 5 months old. We’ve been drinkers pretty much our entire relationship.
Once upon a time I was not a daily drinker, not even a heavy drinker when I drank occasionally but over the past 5 years things have gotten worse and after the birth of my third child it has become…well the worst.
I remember when my first child was born, when he was one year old we moved away from my family and while my husband worked I stayed home with our son.
That was the best year. I was such a great mom. I’d have a few drinks if my husband brought something home but never blacked out or got to drunk or even bought it myself. We really never argued. I loved that version of myself.
After about a year we were struggling financially and were gonna lose everything so we brought his mother and brother to live with us. His mother had a mental illness and his brother was “recovering” from his own opiod condition but non the less I had to go to work while they watched our child.
I was bitter about it and there was a lot of conflict and I began to drink a bit more at that time.
Then one day my husband came home and told me he’d lost his job…because he was sleeping with an employee. Her husband had found out (I saw signs but I ignored them) and he was the boss so they gave him a choice. Have an investigation or resign…
I was devastated and nearly left him but he begged me not to take his son away so I stayed and worked even more.
Later I found out I was pregnant with my second child. During that pregnancy we decided we needed to move back to his hometown and his brother and mother needed to find their own place.
Once we were living just us things began to improve. I stayed home with the kids for about 6 months and went back to work. I loved my job and life seemed to be headed in the right direction. We were making good money and enjoying life…
Then one day I was headed to get our oldest who at that time was in kindergarten from school when I was hit by another driver and my brand new car (that we couldn’t afford) was totalled and I had not purchased gap insurance.
After the accident I began to spiral a bit. We both began drinking every night, and then 2020 happened and came the day drinking.
Then when the world opened up he wanted to buckle back up…and I began to go to the gas station while my husband was at work and hiding the empty cans from him. It got so bad that I eventually was involuntarily hospitalized due to a suiside attempt.
Fast forward a bit and we ended up moving closer to my family for more support and though I was drinking less I hadn’t completely stopped.
When I found out I was pregnant with my 3rd child I quit and had so many plans of staying away from it all together after the baby was born…but it couldn’t have gone more different.
I had 6 weeks off and though I didn’t drink during the pregnancy I had periodically hit a delta 8 pen to sleep and the baby tested positive for THC so CPS was at the door the day after I brought her home.
My husband at first blamed me (though he was the one who offered me the pen ) but eventually he became supportive however the damage was done. It was an extremely stressful time, I’d also gone back to work and was trying to balance my older twos lives as they were starting a new school year and involved in several extra curricular activities. Eventually by the time I’d get home I was so overwhelmed I was reaching for a drink.
Something had to give and my husband was making more than enough to support us so I quit my job and looked forward to staying home with the kids and at first I was able to cut down but I’d already fell off the wagon and had been chasing it ever since.
A few months ago I lashed out at my dad through text messaging about something he posted on Facebook. I had been drinking.
Periodically I have lashed out at my husband and others and my self esteem has been non existent. I noticed if I didn’t have to drive anywhere for the rest of the day I’d tell myself it was ok to have a drink during the day.
Like I said I’ve downloaded this app and liked it and I think at most would make it 4 days before I had to start the counter over and then would delete it because…well I didn’t need it and my drinking isn’t that bad right??
On Halloween I finally got to the…oh yea it’s that bad point.
Right now the 5 of us are living in a very small two bedroom apartment and our lease isn’t up until March but a house was put on the market very close to my moms and I really wanted it.
I was communicating with the rental company all day instead of enjoying my last babies Halloween … trying to get our application in just right… all to be told around 3 oclock that we were denied due to our credit score.
To say I was devastated was an understatement. My whole family had been talking about how great it would be and how they were praying …and because of past financial choices on our part we were denied. We qualified in every other way.
I began to drink heavily and when my husband got home from work we got into a huge argument. I was texting family members telling them we were getting divorced and ultimately my mother came and got the kids and me.
I had so many regrets the next day. I wished so badly I could’ve taken back everything but it was done.
I also suffer from PTSD. I was diagnosed right before my third child was born however stopped taking meds and stopped seeing the psychiatrist while I was pregnant.
I called them when they opened up the day after my episode an had an emergency visit to get back on meds and began them last night. I need them to work therefore I can’t drink at all.
Part of mental health recovery is I’ll need to start going to a group. I couldn’t before the pregnancy because I simply didn’t have the time with and full time job and a million other excuses I had at the time but I’m not going to turn it down now. I know medication alone isn’t going to stop the racing thoughts and anxiety which is why I decided to redownload the app and actually post my story this time… because it’s going to take a lot of community and a lot lore than that to get back to that mom and woman I was when my first child was born
I know because I’ve been trying for a long time
I don’t want my kids to remember this version of me though I know they may but if I can move forward maybe I can salvage the last few years of my older twos childhood.
This time I’m taking everything offered and not holding back no matter how bad everything sounds.
I realise I have to put pride in my back pocket realise I have an illness and move forward and do really uncomfortable things.
I’m going to cooperate in this group and in person groups, go to therapy and take my medication. I’m gonna at least get a few good years out of me and hopefully never relapse again.
. It takes bravery to come forward with your story! Congratulations on taking a huge step in recovery. I think you’ll find TS really helpful, at least I hope you do. I personally found soberiety podcasts extremely beneficial in addition too TS. Best wishes to you on your journey 
thanks for sharing your story. You’ve came to a great place for support. I hope you’ll find it as beneficial to your sobriety as I do.
I hope you find the forum helpful, the people here really helped me a lot and it continues to be a place of support many years later. Glad you have some other support as well.
