I’m not an alcoholic, such an ugly label! But I have been on a detour for ten years…
I started drinking for the 1st time when I was about 36. Alcohol was never a part of my family, so it was easy to literally NOT like it when I tried it in my 20s and most of my 30s. Alcohol burned going down, hence I hated the taste and feeling. But I after my divorce @ 29 and being a new single mom with a 2 yr old, I began working in the bar/club scene while I started my own business. Juggling everything just fine, I was able to cocktail waitress and bartend for 7 yrs pretty much sober EVERY night. A couple times a month, I’d get a tiny buzz at work, but my co-workers would tease me because I was sober pretty much every single night. Hey, I had to get up every morning with my son, so I never saw the point. Plus, I had to drive 30 min home so driving drunk never crossed my mind as an option.
Well around 36 (is when I recall) I started to drink a little bit more here & there the nights that I would work @ the bar/club. I never drank at home, and I never had alcohol in my home. Only when I would work would I feel the pressure to do shots with my customers. Plus nights that I’d drink, I’m ashamed to admit, I don’t remember my drive home.
Fast forward 10 years, I am now 46 years old:
When I drink, I completely black-out almost every time, and it literally only takes a couple drinks to get to that level of black-out. I still do not drink at home, I don’t ever have a desire to get drunk nor drink in my own home, it’s just a social thing now and when I am working nights at the club. I work 3 to 4 days a week at the business that I own, and I’m always sober for that, which has been a huge success. I’m very serious when it comes to running my business because I never let alcohol affect it and that part has been something I’m proud of. But sadly when hammered, I can get very mean and angry with people, I’m a very sloppy drunk I’m told, I lose things on my drunk nights out and about, as well as spend stupid amounts of money treating friends and more often strangers “round’s on me”, that I cannot afford. I’ve risked my club job, and I’ve disappointed my son. As a result, my son has never had a drink and does not desire to EVER drink; he’s now a college Freshman away from home at Penn State. He has been aware of my random drinking these last 10 years, even though I’ve managed to hide it from him since I’d sneak home and get into bed before he’d wake up for school, but he could smell the alcohol and he’d know the nights that I would be drinking, as that’s the mornings that I couldn’t wake up to make him breakfast. He worries about me and frankly, and I am worried about myself too. One time, he found me passed out on our back steps laying in my own vomit. He thought I was dead. When he found out I was alive, I came in the house, laid in a corner and pee’d on myself and puked again, I just laid there. He was very mad at me and left for school. He was in high school at the time and that’s something no child should ever have to witness. It’s funny because 90% of the time I’m sober, I only drink once or twice a week and sometimes I’ll go weeks without drinking because I’ll have such a bad night that it will cause me to be sober for a long while. I was actually sober for 7 months once because my personal trainer & I had a fitness goal to meet, which I met: I got lean and strong with 19% body fat < you can’t do that with alcohol in your diet. And for some reason, that was easy to do.
But the first 10 years of my son’s life, I was sober 100% and you know what? He thanked me for that when he left for college, said he had a good childhood those years because I never drank. That broke my heart to hear him say that. I’m an excellent mom or my son wouldn’t be the person he is today. I truly believe that because he calls me an Amazon Warrior. He has seen me survive things that most people don’t survive, including the dangerous threats from his father. I’ve lived 9 lives in my 1 life and I’ve conquered a lot. For that I am proud, hence I will survive this too. Just another obstacle to over come. It’s just this time, for the first time, I’m a disappointment to myself. I want to be proud that I wasn’t the kind of Mom who drank everyday and I didn’t get drunk all the time at home while in his presence. So grateful for that, as his childhood would have been much different. I’ve raised him all by myself, literally the real meaning of a single mom, due to the fact his father has been absent since he’s been little, and my family is not part of our live’s because of religious differences. So, I’ve busted my butt to work hard to take care of us, and because of that I’ve made enough money to be able to take us on vacations a couple times a year and provided very well for my son. Most importantly I spent all my free time sober and with him. Because of that we are close buddies. When him and I spend time together, I’ve never had a drink, mainly because I never wanted to. Although, the drinking that I did do while working or socially, has destroyed so much. So so much! Plus I’ve made a fool of myself in my city many times and in front of friends due to my drunken state, but I’m always forgiven. Why? That part never made sense to me because the self-loathing and hatred that I feel for myself the day after a big bad night is often more than I can handle. It causes massive depression! You see, I’ve not always been an angry drunk, I used to be a really fun drunk and I’d be silly and do really memorable amazing things when I would just be buzzed + I’d remember it all, I miss that. But now I just get drunk extremely quick to black-out, then angry, lose things, my behavior is just embarrassing. There’s nothing more unattractive than a woman in her 40s sloppy drunk + it is so unladylike. To be honest, I am very VERY lucky that I’ve gotten home safe every night and that nothing horrible has happened to me; I’ve never been raped nor robbed nor gotten a DUI. Though Uber has been great, as I don’t drive drunk anymore. I consider all this 
luck my warning sign… time for big changes!
I honestly am sick and tired of drinking, getting drunk, and the destruction that it has caused. I literally and seriously am done with alcohol! I am done living my life this way.
I was on Instagram this morning and a friend of mine posted a quote from this app, which I never knew existed. I’ve downloaded it, and I feel enlightened and supported already. It’s time to clean up my act. I’m an extremely strong person; I believe I can do this all by myself with the help of meditation, exercise, and clean eating. Of course I welcome support from anyone who wants to be here with me, in turn I’m here to support you all too. I am a great listener, very sympathetic, and an extremely understanding person.
Grateful now as I see the light at the end of the tunnel for the 1st time in 10 yrs. I have life goals, just like anybody else does, but I’ve not been able to properly focus on what I really want to do with this amazing life that I have, because alcohol has gotten in my way. Time to be the amazing me that I am capable of being.
