Hello brothers and sisters.
Ive been sober for about a year and a half. After failed treatment and moderation attempts, i did it and cant imagine going back. Since then, i have made changes to be the husband and father i wasnt while drinking, like changing my career to allow me to.be home more and away from my learned stressors. No question i have done this with the support of my spouse, but as the adjustment evolves, i find myself resenting her alcohol use.
With my eyes open and my memory clear, i came to learn that my spouse was using sex as a means of manipulation, lies to push people down and recently a false acusation of physical abuse in front of our kids. All of this has us in couples therapy and individual therapy, i thought we were making progress with rebuilding trust, but the same behaviors are starting to come back, usually when she is drinking, and lately its been everyday, 3-4 drinks. When I have brought up even the idea she may have had too much or could take a day off, it is like touching the third rail. Denial, blame and always bringing up my history. When i drank, i didnt hit or yell, and believe now that it was very much a coping mechanism for this type of behavior.
Any ideas? Anyone going through similar awakenings?
I can relate to this and it really makes (my, your) daily battle hard. I quit hoping my husband would follow, he has had a liver biopsy and it is not good. I have learned you cannot fix others (even after 30 years of marriage). Right now, I am trying to lead by example, I remove myself when needed. This fight is mine and I am fighting to be a better mom and soon to be grandma. Dang, I sound old. Hang in there and take care of yourself first. It is not selfish, but self love.
I am 7 years sober from alcohol (it still boggles my mind to say that after 40+ years on the bottle + more). My husband still drinks. He isn’t a messy, angry, out at the pub drinker…but he still drinks. Sometimes it bothers me, most times I don’t notice. We talk about it. Of course I wish my partner was at that point in his life where he is working at sobriety, but that isn’t where he is at right now. And that is his journey. If he were anywhere like how I was, I don’t think I would be so placid about it. I was a messy drunk…he isn’t. He doesn’t pick fights or anything like the crap I did. I do know it would help some of his mental ponderings, but I can only share my experience with him and he definitely supports me and is grateful for the changes in our life brought by my sobriety. They are immense.
My husband was with me through some of my very worst and I appreciate that immensely. The thing that needed changing in our marriage was me.
I definitely do not resent his drinking. I am sad for him that he still feels its pull. And I understand it…100% I understand being in thrall of alcohol and escape. For me I had to really understand that my life is my life. I am responsible for what happens in it. I can choose to stay or go and all that entails. I stay with love and respect for my husband and all that he is and contributes to my life and our family’s life and well being. I see him for the human he is. I offer grace and hope to get the same back.
Each of us have a unique life and relationship and need to examine it honestly and with compassion and grace to see what serves us and what does not. If my husband was even half the incredible asshole I was, even a quarter, I would split. That’s my experience.
It is hard. Wishing you well… and well done on your sobriety!!
Beautifully written. I needed to read this, as I often find myself shutting down around my husband. It’s easy to forget how I behaved when I got drunk and how much shit he had to deal with. He may never quit drinking, and that is entirely his choice. I must remember to have more compassion toward him, and less judgement.
Don’t know if I have anything to offer but here’s my situation:
I’m 42 days sober. I’ve decided to quit after so many failed attempts to moderate. My husband and I are both alcoholics.
He still drinks heavily and in my presence. He is in the “trying to moderate phase.”
I know that phase all too well. It sucks. It’s full of regret, embarrassment and shame.
I hope he comes out of it wanting to quit, but that’s his decision. And his alone.
I love him. He’s a great father. He’s a great provider. He’s a brilliant man. Hopefully my example helps him.
Drinking is no longer a viable option for me. I want to live a long life for my kids. I want to set a good example for them. I want to be present. I want to be alive when my kids have their own kids. I don’t want to be a slave to the booze.
So, I don’t drink for me. And I don’t drink for them. I have the temptation in my house daily. But everyday it gets easier to abstain.
So, I’m sober for me and my kids. My will to remain sober is finally strong.
