How do you stay sober when you have social anxiety?
Hi everyone, so I’m back after two years trying to quit drinking again after a relapse, but my biggest struggle with soberity is my social anxiety. Has anyone else experienced this?
I’m so painfully awkward in social situations that I guzzle down alchol to get past it: partly because I don’t know who to talk to or what to say and partly because I know that after enough drinks, I won’t care anymore. It’s this thinking that started my toxic relationship with alcohol.
While I know I’ve had some deep conversations and made friends while drinking, I also know that I never fully remember them or maintain these connections because I always drink more than I should do. Sometimes alcohol doesn’t even help the way I thought it would, and I end up embarrassing myself or upsetting/offending others. I’ve felt so lonely and bad about myself recently that I keep thinking about suicide. I’m sick of feeling this way from alcohol, but I hate how socially awkward I am when sober.
Please help. I feel like I’m stuck and no version of me is good enough.
Oh lady! I am so glad you came back. There will be many others that post here, and I know you can get thru this hurdle. Sobriety is more important than any social function you have to attend. You simply don’t have to go. Have you made sober friends in the last few years? Everyone I am friends with knows and respects me sobriety. Are these social events work-related?
Hello and welcome, im glad your here…i suffer with this too so please know that you are not alone. I can only really tell you what ive done about it so far…i kinda recognised that i was suffering from low self esteem and lack of confidence…so ive been working on those…i think with social interactions take it in baby steps exposing yourself to it a little bit more each time you do it but dont force yourself…im 9 months sober so far and ive still kept socialising where alcohol is to only when im with very close family and friends xx
I can relate. It’s probably the main thing that led me to drinking early on.
As a kid I’d spend holidays at the grandparents’ house and they had a full bar in the basement. The entire basement looked like an actual bar with a pool table, illuminated beer signs on the walls, the bar itself with stools and liquor bottles lined in front of a mirror, etc.
I’d always feel awkward and anxious around large groups of family members I didn’t know well at holiday dinners. At all group functions I’d find some quieter place to hide until it was time to go. Then after the first time having a drink at the bar, I talked to everyone and actually socialized. From then going forward I made that my routine. I’d head straight to the basement and spike my soda.
I think it all boils down to insecurity. Not only having no idea what to say, but feeling inferior and judged. When I’m around people sober now, I tell myself that no one in the room is a god. They’re all just people putting on happy faces with their own struggles. Undoubtedly some don’t want to be there at all.
Maybe tell yourself you’re worthy of being in the room. No one has to be the life of the party or start multiple conversations.
I’ve struggled with this immensely and have always relied on alcohol to help “soothe my nerves” but I found myself to be in the same boat as you- not remembering conversations and/or not really making long lasting connections. I’m still figuring this out myself, and I think being around sober friends and finding non-drinking related activities will really help.
Some are work events, some are social events like bbqs, parties, and nights out. I usually get invited by default more than anything as part of the whole office or because my husband has tons of friends.
I, on the other hand, only have one friend. She’s not a heavy drinker, and we’re both awkward with social anxiety, which doesn’t make it easy for us to stay in touch.
I have tried staying at home at these events, but then I just feel really lonely - like everyone else is having a great time without me, and I don’t have any sort of life outside of work/being a housewife. Is that something I will just have to accept and push past?
Thank you, it helps to see I’m not alone with this struggle. Baby steps makes sense. I have always tried to push myself into social situations to get over my anxiety, but maybe I push too hard. I’ll try to keep your advice in mind in future.
I suffer the same. For me I usually drank more than was social, and humiliated myself, didn’t remember conversations and had to fake knowing what people were refering to. I have had more conversations outwardly laughing stuff off when I was literally having heart palpitations with shame.
So, actually being able to remember past conversations, and having nothing to be ashamed of is actually a great start! Then, like any skill, preparation and practice is key. If you have hobbies, watch the news, you have things to talk about. Literally prepare a list if you need to. Ask lots of questions about the other person. What have you talked about previously that you can pick up? Practice having little chats with people at work / neighbours.
Also, how much do you want to be social? I have realised that actually I don’t want to be the social butterfly that I really admire, but just cannot do myself.
I was always alone at family parties as a kid too. I became known for being the weird kid sat alone, in a corner, eating pickled onions. I think I had what is now known as ‘selective mutism’ as a kid, but back then, people just called me shy.
You’re right about taking a different perspective on things. I think because my mum and sister were always the life of the party, I’ve always been a little jealous that I couldn’t be that way. I know you’re right about everyone having their own struggles though. I’ll try to remind myself of this in future when I don’t feel worthy of being in the room.
Welcome back ro the site Jo
I did have major anxiety in social gatherings but also found that i needed to be around people. To avoid the anxiety i have tried a few of the following
Start off with smaller gatherings so its more intimate and you can observe your surroundings but dont need to carry a one on one. I find in larger gatherings people break off into smaller groups and you really gave to engage in the conversation
If event allows i try to be helpful with tidying up, refreshing bowls of chips, ice etc. It keeps me busy and still able to be part of the conversations when i want to be but not stuck in one place
I find a quiet space for me to retreat to if i become overwhelmed.
Leave early with work excuse or not feeling 100%
It does take time but its not impossible. Have your exit plans in place when entering any social gathering. Drinking teally didnt give you courage or any special powers- it numbed you to not care. To the point that we would make complete fools of ourselves without a second thought.
This feeling will go away. You are perfect just the way you are. Your addict brain is making you feel like you cant survive without the alcohol.
Sending you strength and courage to face yourself and embrace the wonderful person you are.
I couldn’t have said that better, Jazzy. Jo, you’ve taken a great step by joining this community. Community helps get and stay sober, whether virtual or IRL. I’m glad you are here.
Is it worse with strangers or people you know? See with me…i really like people…im great with strangers like i will literally talk to anyone…the person in the queue next to me, shop keepers, the old lady walking past…with me its people i do know where i lose my confidence
Pretending to remember people and conversations is exactly what I try as well. I can sympathise with the shame of listening to other people talk about things you can’t remember.
Regarding how social I want to be, I would love to have a group of 4-5 friends that I see monthly, but being an introvert with social anxiety, that seems like a very far away dream at the minute.
The news is a good tip for starting conversation! I tried this when I first started work but stopped when things got pretty depressing. I’ll try to take it back up again and just be more selective about the headlines that I read.
My hobbies are reading and creative writing, so I can’t really talk about those as most peopl find them boring. Maybe I should try to find something more interesting… suggestions anyone?
Becoming sober has given me the possibility to finally (I’m 57) work on my problems. Including social anxiety. Still not there but I made many small steps in the last nearly four years. Still in therapy. Now dealing with my childhood (what else). Going at the root causes of it all. It sometimes goes so slow that the progress is hardly discernible but actually it is.
Like last week when out riding my bike I stopped for a break. Another guy stopped too and sat down next to me and struck up a conversation. And I engaged! We had a pleasant talk for ten minutes and we went our ways. This NEVER happened in my life before. Just a small example but for me it’s huge.
And one more thing: Alcohol makes it all worse. And not just a bit. Relying on alcohol to overcome social awkwardness in the long run will -like any problem- make it worse and worse and worse and worse. Extreme example: I became more and more suicidal in the last period I drank. Which disappeared as soon as I quit. Keep going. Stay sober.
PS There’s plenty of groups for people who love reading and writing BTW. Follow your heart.
Thank you so much for all this advice! I’ve been keeping a list of everything everyone suggests to remind myself of what I can do, and I noted down all your tips. I hadn’t thought that maybe it was my addict brain making me feel this way. I’ll write that down as well. I think I needed to read that today. Yesterday, I spent a lot of time thinking about why I can’t just drink a little to take the edge off my anxiety and realised that no - I can’t do that. I will allways, always go to infinity and beyond, and I want to be done with that cycle. Reading this, I now think it was probably my addict brain trying to trick me into thinking I need alcohol. Thank you!
That is a really interesting question! I’ve never actually thought about it before, but I guess both? I find it difficult to initiate conversations in general.
When it’s someone I don’t know, I’m sat wracking my brains trying to think of what topics would interest them, and when it’s someone I do know, it’s like the converstion well has dried up, and I can’t think of anything new to bring to the conversation. My life isn’t all that interesting.
Why is it you lose confidence with people close to you? Is it a similair issue or something else?
Social anxiety, oh, this sounds a lot like me! From my own experiences: if you don’t feel like you want to go somewhere to socialise, just don’t go. Don’t be mean to yourself, take care of yourself. When you feel like you want to, go. I believe you can do this.
Do you have also someone, who knows about your social anxiety? If yes, they can help you a bit. Do you go to therapy sessions? You can there discuss about it, my therapist helps me with my social anxiety.
Social anxiety is no joke. It seems like social events are triggering events too. Maybe stay home?? I loathe being around more than 2 people. It immediately becomes a “thing” we participate in and create a functional sounding board with other people. The alcohol is always there to loosen people up because we are all creatures of society and society is very competitive. We use others as a measurement of success against ourselves. When we “socialize” in a group we are expected to “open up” to be “funny” to be “the guy with all the stories” and what’s never ok is to linger in the corner or against a wall like some sad sack or weirdo who is more interested in the details of a rooms decor than making eye contact with another human and peeling the onion with a stranger. Obviously I can relate to your issue and apologize in advance for stealing thunder.
Hello and welcome!.
I too suffered major social anxiety. I got on some medication that seem to help but when you drink medication doesn’t work like it should.
One of the things I did when I got sober still had that social anxiety. I kind of forced myself into small things at first. Like going to the movies on my own. This was something I never done sober in a long time.
This may sound silly or not. Very helpful but it worked for me.
I started having small conversations with strangers at restaurants, fast food joints, convenience stores, etc.
I would go out of my way to say hello to the cashier; how was your day?
Small things like that and it can kind of let you know that you’re not going to have a panic attack just by talking to someone in a friendly tone with a complete stranger.
Give it a try, you might be surprised.
I still have issues with those of the female persuasion because I feel like internally they think I’m hitting on them. And really I’m just trying to be friendly and want to engage in conversation. Small talk.
I have zero proof that they feel that way. That’s just how some of us who have anxiety and low self-esteem can feel or at least I do.
Congratulations on the success of your progress!! That’s a big step having a pleasant conversation with a stranger like that - thank you for sharing. It’s really great to read about other people progressing past their anxieties. It makes it seem all the more possible to overcome.
I hadn’t thought about the possibility that alcohol was making my social anxiety worse, but in hindsight, it probably has done. I thought it helped me to overcome my anxiety, but really, it’s just been a way for me to avoid it!
I think I had what is now known as ‘selective mutism’ as a kid, but back then, people just called me shy.
and apologize in advance for stealing thunder.