Hey guys I’m really struggling and don’t know what to do or how much is now completely outside of my control.
My former partner and I were very toxic alcoholics together, and our relationship was very abusive, by both of us.
It was always blamed on me about my drinking being the problem, so I left him to get sober, as he never saw any fault in his own drinking behaviour. 3months after I left, he started really breaching the orders and becoming a detriment to my sobriety.
He was in a very desperate hole of alcoholic depression and came to me for help. I did what I could to connect him with supports and AA, and told him not to contact me anymore.
Obviously he didn’t listen and I pursued charges against him, hoping that he’d finally take me seriously, and he did eventually.
The problem I’m having is that it’s been almost 6months after the first charge and police are only just approaching him in relation to the other charges that should’ve happened at the same time. He’s been working so hard on his sobriety and has been doing so much internal work that he’s not the person he once was.
If these charges go through, he’s looking at jail time and will lose everything.
I don’t know what to do or if I can do anything
IMO his actions need to have consequences. No matter what his new course is what he did needs to stand on record. If he relapses it could happen all over again and you’d have no credibility or help. The truth of what happened needs to be on record. You should tell ALL the truth to the judge. The truth of the past and the present. You can advocate for leniency if you wish.
I agree with @TigerMatriarch. Actions have consequences. Let him prove to the judge that he’s changed. All you need to do is tell the truth about what happened and leave it in the courts hands.
I’m in Australia, so I don’t know if I can…
Police just seem to be coming back over and over under a different section of the law and dragging out what was supposed to be over 6mths ago
It’s possible for you to forgive him (edit to add: you can also just choose to move on, without worrying about forgiveness) and still maintain boundaries. Boundaries are important for staying healthy. Boundaries include the orders about not contacting you, but they also include legal consequences of behaviour.
If he is truly taking responsibility for his life he will accept the natural consequences of his actions. You do not and should not have to save him from his own behaviour.
This is tough and I can understand why you would feel unsure of what to do.
I was in a similar situation… and believe it or not jail time for my ex actually made a huge diff not only for his recovery but he recieved the proper supports that he needed with regards to domestic violence.
We were together for 5 years and we did use together and he was extremely abusive. At about 5 years into our relationship I called the police bcuz he would’ve killed me in the state he was in. Things escalated so bad. Police took me to a shelter and he was picked up and sent to remand. During that time he was able to gain a good start on his sobriety, receive anger management, amongst many other supports to help keep him accountable. Honestly, people do need to feel the consequences of their actions. It sounds harsh but honestly if I would’ve not gone thru with charging him, I know for a fact that he would realize that he had that control over me. That he was able to manipulate me with guilt or emotion etc and then allow him to get away from facing the consequences of his actions. This would’ve pretty much sent him a signal that it was okay to do what he did and that I wouldn’t say anything about it. Not only that but for him to be free and not feel these consequences and not get the proper supports, he could’ve done this to someone one else. When I was in councilling for quite some time after he was picked up, I was taught that those that commit domestic violence need extensive supports and need to do alot of work in order for things to change. People don’t unlearn domestic violence just like that. It definitely takes some work. So I had to put my foot down and set boundaries with him. Through all of this I still cared and loved him (this was distorted thinking due abuse) but none the less it was soo hard to not let my emotions get in the way of making the right choice. Not only did charging him help him, it helped me. Bcuz I was able to get justice for what that man put me though. I have forgiven him for what he did bcuz I needed the peace. But all I can suggest is truly listen to ur heart and not so much ur head. Do what is right in ur heart for u. No one deserves to be abused, man or woman or child
And I’m only saying this bcuz I care about u and not trying to convince u of a decision (as u can only make that decision for urself) but those that commit domestic violence will do anything half the time to try and get u back. My ex tried and tried to get back with me and would use guilt and pity and other emotions to play head games with me. Everytime when we split up he’d talk about how he’d change and how he won’t do it again and how things are diff this time. It was ONLY until I put my foot down and he knew I was serious, that things changed. When I read ur post, u said that after 3 months after u left, he began breaching orders and being a detriment to ur sobriety. U tried to help him and then told him not to contact u anymore. Which he didn’t listen. Then police were involved. He’s probably scared obviously and I don’t know this for sure, but fear could be a huge contributing factor to why he’s doing so well now. What I’d be worried about is him not facing consequences, thinking he was able to “escape” this whole ordeal and then slowly returning back to his old state I hope that wouldn’t be true but I just really want u to be safe. I literally had to move provinces for a fresh start. And about 6 years after I moved provinces he even found me on fb and messaged me, told me that he thinks about me and that I will always have a place in his heart. He told me how well he is doing and that he STILL has my name tattooed on his chest lol okay well thats great! But I told him that I was happy he was doing well and wished him well. And then blocked him. It can be ongoing and ultimately u just gotta look after u girl I just hope things work out for you
@anon2681639 … I’m not sure how much sobriety you have, but it is very important that you preserve what you have built up. Spending too much time worrying about him and losing sleep and not taking care of yourself is a threat to your sobriety. I agree with those who said he needs to take responsibility for his actions. If he has changed, I hope that that will be acknowledged by the court. But you need to take care of yourself first and foremost.
Legal matters (unfortunately) can often take a very long time. You have to be patient.
It’s OK to have these feelings. Anyone in your situation would feel conflicted, doubtful. You’ve been through so much!
Is there anything you have to do now? In the courts? Do you have to make a statement of some type? Or is all that stuff behind you now, and what they’re doing now is just getting to it as they work through their caseload?
If you don’t have to give any more statements, I would try to put this aside and focus on yourself. Attend some meetings online or in your area, spend time connecting with people in meaningful ways, focus on your personal growth. You deserve it
This also is not your fault. I agree with @Mbwoman your focus needs to be on you. If he’s truly trying to change and make amends he would agree. If he’s pressuring you to help him or guilting you that would be a huge red flag.
As a criminal defense attorney, I am not of the opinion that incarceration, punishment or being prosecuted by the government achieves justice. I don’t know how the system works where you are, but where I am, you would want to reach out to his attorney as well as the prosecutor on the case and explain to them what you want to see happen on the case. The prosecutor may not comply with what you ask for or want but if you are the victim, you are the person they are supposed to be listening to.
@Alliecat this is exactly my thought process. I don’t believe that destroying his life, losing his business, his house, his son and his pets, is really any type of justice. He didn’t commit acts of violence after police became involved, and was limited to stalking and harrassment (thankfully).
He’s been working on himself and his sobriety, and the best justice I would like is the amends we need to close the chapter and walk away.
Just to be clear, I think that the most important thing is to take care of yourself. Violence, stalking and harassment are dangerous and scary behaviors. Its not ok for anyone to do that to you, no matter what.
Because of my profession I am jaded on the idea of the criminal justice system achieving justice. I think the court system creates a lot of injustice. Since this case is already court involved, it seems like you should have a say in what takes place.
I hope that everything works out and that you are safe.
I know it’s not ok to behave like that, however in this situation, I don’t believe jail is going to achieve anything.
I’m in a safe environment and hold no fear for my safety from him any longer.
What a powerful post. Maybe It is not up to you to take care of were he needs to be, whether it is in court or not. It is powerful and empowering that you are able to forgive him. If he is going and his progress is shown it might be the case that the charges are dropped. At least that might be the case, that’s why I would like a charge against me go through. Now it’s keeps popping up and feels like she has still some control and her story counts.
Side note: forgiving someone doesn’t mean you should let that one back into your life. It will set you free however….,
I hope that wouldn’t be true but I just really want u to be safe. I literally had to move provinces for a fresh start. And about 6 years after I moved provinces he even found me on fb and messaged me, told me that he thinks about me and that I will always have a place in his heart. He told me how well he is doing and that he STILL has my name tattooed on his chest lol okay well thats great! But I told him that I was happy he was doing well and wished him well. And then blocked him. It can be ongoing and ultimately u just gotta look after u girl 
I agree with