Sobriety for Love

[JimHalpert83]

Hi All,

I wanted to start a thread which was a bit more specific to the knock-on impact that our issues have had on those close to us, and to create a space to share any stories, listen to each other, Support/relate where possible.

So a bit about me -

I’m a historical binge drinker/eater.

For the most part, I can take or leave alcohol. However it is better I leave it. Because I will gradually go from a few ‘chill-out beers’ one night, to drinking like there’s no tomorrow, within days/weeks.

The worst issue I have though, is with the eating.

So… I was the ‘chubby kid’, from around 7 or 8 years old. I dont remember never having a ‘belly’ . Naturally, there was a lot of bullying and exclusion. And it doesn’t matter how fit I become these days. I am still that child.

It got so bad, that as a 10 year old, I would attend Weight Watchers with my mother.
We would diet together. And fail our diets together.
So I learned about the binge/restrict cycle very early.

In my teens, I was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes. Insulin controlled. And ultimately…at the time, another reason to have food/nutrition at the forefront of every decision.

I am 38 now. And still trying. I have support. And a therapist. And despite some relapses… I am much better.

So here’s the crunch - has anyone here really worked so incredibly hard to overcome, for the sake of a relationship?

My previous girlfriend, unfortunately, struggled with my issues. And I totally understand it. She was watching me self destruct. It wasn’t attractive.

She supported me into help. Albeit by getting angry with me. I used to get really upset. In hindsight, her anger was from a caring place. I just couldn’t see it. And I felt like it was more for her benefit and not because she loved me.

Admittedly, it worked. But the anger and the dynamic killed the relationship itself.
My food choices became the center of everything.

Not because I wanted them to. But because she really wanted to focus on them.

She had issues of her own surrounding growing up in an alcohol-orientated family, where poor mental health was rife. And I can appreciate that I represented a huge trigger for that.

The relationship ended in March. And up until then I was doing really well. No binges or alcohol for over 8 months.

She used to say ‘I think you will relapse without me’, and I have. She was right. And I hate it.

Was I doing it mainly for her? It frightens me I can’t do it for myself.

Wondered if anyone else had been through anything similar.

Peace

Adam

[VSue]

Hey there. That’s a tough one. Reading your story I think you were doing it for you…at least you recognize and understand that your binging (whether it be good or alcohol) is unhealthy in your life and I THINK are saying that you want to be healthy.

But I do think you were using your girlfriend as your sole motivation. It sounds like it was the same with your mom and food. You can be good if the other person is inspiring you but when that is gone you revert to old ways.

Im not saying that is bad or anything…having supportive people in our lives is nothing but a positive. But your number 1 support/cheerleader has to be YOU!! You need to show yourself the love to know that you are worth it, that you deserve everything you want. That way when you are alone you can resist those voices in your head.

YOU CAN DO IT!!

Edit: I wanted to add in case I wasn’t clear….it doesn’t sound to me like you are getting sober FOR your partner/love but that maybe you are relying on them to hold you accountable. And having a partner for support is GOOD, but you need to do 99% of the work by yourself and for yourself.

[TigerMatriarch]

That’s a brave way to open up Adam. This is some great introspection. You’re asking some very good questions about yourself. It does sound like you want this very much for yourself but don’t know how to get there. No one can do this alone but a partner can’t substitute as a sponsor. Getting sober is hard on any relationship. My husband and I have been married 40 years and it’s put a strain on us. I wanted very much for us to get sober together but he doesn’t think we have a problem. He is supportive. He doesn’t bring alcohol into our home, drink in front of me or come home smelling of booze. He does not sympathize with me when I’m craving, encourage me to stay sober or police my activities. I have to do this for me. You have to do this for you. KNOW you deserve it. WANT the better life.

[Aussie_Tiger]

I often think God brings me to read certain posts at certain times of the day. Funny…and glorious how He works.

I had eating disorders and body dysmorphia in my teens and into early adulthood. My main issue was/is with drugs/booze.

But to your point…I lost my marriage and had to endure the pain and suffering of my family break up and the effect it had and will have on many peoples’ lives.

But I prayed to God one day to please help me. I wanted my family back so bad. Well, God did hear my prayer but he doesn’t always answer how or when WE want. I never did get my wife or family back, but I did grow very close to my kids as a single dad with 50% custody. Have kept things pretty amicable with ex and two years ago met a single mum with 2 kids of her own. It was like a fresh start for me. To put into action correcting all the mistakes I made and what I learned from my failed marriage.

In 2 weeks we are moving into a home we bought together and will finish raising our kids their as a family…Brady bunch style. So God did answer my prayer to get a family and a home.

It’s the learning to let go of the past that’s hard for us addicts. God has forgiven me. Not sure about my ex or her family, but that’s not my focus. My focus is on sobriety. Getting stronger each day and challenging myself to be a great partner and father at every turn…so I can give back to my family (and others) the love and support of the new and improved me.

Forgot to mention in previous post…I thought my whole life and identity was based on my ex wife. Didn’t know how I’d live without her…blah blah blah. Had to get to grips with rational thought and conquer ego. The anxiety and urge to use often comes from the dissonance b/w what we want and what is. The sooner we accept what is…and focus on what we can control…the better. Nobody should ever be in a place of dependance on another person.